My 14 year old and his "girlfriend."?

Question

My son, who is 14, has his first "real girlfriend..." (She is 16.) My son knows he can come to me with anything and has shared a few details with me that bother me. Basically my son is in a teen living class where they have the option of having the computerized "real baby" for 24 hours. The girl wrote my son a note that said "I want you to do this so that if I ever get pregnant I would know if you could take care of a baby." My initial thought was to call the girl's parents but my son would probably never come to me with anything again so I decided to talk to HIM about this. The talk went well. A week ago her Dad found a note she had written my son along these same lines and forbade her to ever speak to my son again. She was grounded for 2 months. But she told my son that she doesn't want to break up with him and they are still "together." I feel I need to teach my son to respect her father's wishes but at this point I have not "forced" him to end it. Suggestions please?

Note: I know they are not sexually active. They don't see each other outside of school...

My son is my oldest. I have never dealt with issues like this...and need some guidance. Do I let him make his own mistakes or do I teach him to honor her father's wishes? My thoughts are to "make" them "break up" but my husband does not agree. I feel that making them end this would show him that he should respect her father as he would respect me. Right or wrong?

Excellent idea on having him speak to the father. I suggested this and he felt it was a good idea as well. He talked to the girl, however, and she said "It won't make any difference and it's probably not a good idea" so we left it at that. I also thought this would be the best thing to do.

Answer 1

You are doing fine. You are not pushing too hard, which will make them run to each other, but you are telling him that he should have respect for her parents. Tell him that there is plenty of time in the future, after he gets his education to settle down and have a family. Just make sure he realizes how much work babies are and how much they cost. Also, make sure that if he DOES do anything that he needs to use a condom EVERYTIME.

Answer 2

You're right to consider the respect your son should have for this girl's father. If your son has no respect for the father, then he really also has no respect for his daughter, either.

If the girl doesn't feel their relationship isn't important enough to get back together WITH the father's blessing, then she is not a good bet as a girlfriend for your son. Kids at her age are generally rebellious. Dating your son would be in direct violation of the rules, so it is more appealing to her. She thinks she knows what is best for her. She is obviously carrying a bit of emotional baggage and will likely get pregnant "accidentally" in order to rub her daddy's nose in it. (I've seen it often enough.)

I'd suggest talking with your son about the obvious red flags this gal is waving for all to see. Then, make sure he understands that it isn't about you and him, but about this girl who is using him as an irritant to her father. In fact, you could make a deal with your son: break up with her. Once she stops begging him to come back, she'll set her sights on another guy. Don't worry. She won't be "single" long. She'll hop on the next train to Preggersville with someone elses son and you won't have a grandchild before you hit perimenopause. If she doesn't hop on the next train, and she is still single in summer school, then maybe your son can reevaluate his feelings and decide if she really liked him or if she was just hurting Daddy the only way she knows how.

Answer 3

Perhaps you should suggest that your son go and speak with the girl's father. If I had found a note like that, I'd be freaking out too. The first thing that would run into my head was that they are indeed sexually active!! I don't think forcing them to break up is a good idea, it would encourage them to see each other on the sly. If they want to continue having a relationship they need to sit down with her father and alleviate his fears.

Answer 4

Thank goodness that a minimum of you notice some thing incorrect with this haha. perhaps ask why she is attracted to him. while i improve into 14, I cherished older men merely because of the fact they have been older. If she will't think of of stable solutions then perhaps she'll placed some theory into her concern. How does she comprehend he's not a creeper? What might her dad and mom do in the event that they found out? At 14 and 19, they're at completely different factors of their lives, PLUS that's pedophile status good there. Reallyyyy creepy

Answer 5

By all means, guide your son. You can't however, prevent him from making mistakes if he is determined to. Most you can do is outline the consequences of those actions for him.
And just because they don't see each other outside of school doesn't mean they can't get into trouble. At my daughter's school some boy was masterbating in the back of a computer class to something he was watching online. This was during class. Where was the teacher? God only knows.
I do think however, that it may not be a bad idea for you to sabotage their relationship. You can't do it out right of course, but find ways to maybe veer him off into another direction. At least until he's a little older.
Cheers.

Answer 6

I think all you really need to do is let him know it'd be smart to respect her father's wishes (though maybe you should also explain to the father that they aren't actually sexually active), and that if he tries to talk to her she might get into even more trouble. But given the fact that her father's already punishing her, I don't think it would be wise for you to butt in too much, because then he might want to try and stay with her even more.
The problem will probably sort itself out eventually, I wouldn't worry too much. Just remember to keep your son's feelings in mind. He'd probably be pretty bummed to have to lose a girlfriend like that.

Answer 7

well you cant force him to honor her fathers wishes by braking them up.your son should want to do that on his own.really all i think you can do is exactly what it sounds to me that you are doing,which is teaching him the right things to do.he talks to you that is wonderful not many parents have that and you dont want to loose that either im sure.staying connected with you children is a great thing, thats a very good way to slip "extra special " advise there way when you are already giving them normal parent to child daily advise.believe me i feel the same as you do though i would want them to brake up too,but maybe you and your husband should talk to these other parents and get a feel on them.invite them over for a nice dinner or lunch or go out with them to talk what ever you can think of.by the sounds of it this girl wants a baby with your son someday maybe and you definatly dont want it to soon good luck families that communicate with each other always work thing out

Answer 8

maybe you can talk to her dad and try to come to some sort of agreement. if they don't see each other outside of school, it can't be a HUGE problem.

at the same time, if they wanna do it, they will. if you haven't already, give your son "the talk." and don't be wishy washy and "just say no" and "abstinence until marriage." because that doesn't work. if he finds himself in a compromising position, he'll just think, "oh, pregnancy can't happen to us." he needs to know about condoms and birth control, and sexual alternatives asap.

and if her dad just won't relent about them not dating, tell your son, "you know i have seen the note, and her father has seen the note as well. he doesn't feel good about you two dating, not because of anything you've done, but because he feels she will try to take advantage of you. please try to understand from his point of view and respect his feelings."

Answer 9

I think you need to think of the good points - they're being practial and thinking about 'what if'. Don't hyphinate the word girlfriend, I think they're old enough to be in a relationship and to be honest, I think you're babying the pair of them. Why on earth you'd get her parent's involved is anyone's guess. In their relationship, they will find it weird for you to start getting involved.

Answer 10

i definately would not let him make his own choices because she could end up preggo but having him talk to her dad is a good idea. if he were my son he wouldnt be seeing her anymore.