The Flow
Go ahead let them break your heart!
let them break your heart
let them tear you apart!
the cold and the ruthless
try your best!
try your best!
let them break your heart
let them tear you apart!
Forget to remember
cause when you remember too much
your insides turn black
and blue
and they drip right out of you
and your tounge hangs out
blood empties and makes a mess
You drown in your own fece!
2007-12-08 17:43:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
@Lucifer
gawd! yeah...me too...={
2007-12-08 17:53:34 · update #1
@Sweetnsp..
yeah thanks...it still gives me the creeps but i try not to think about it anymore. =)
2007-12-09 10:48:17 · update #2
There is a difference between a journal entry and a poem.
A journal entry catalogues a mass of feelings and has no conern for a higher order of language.
A poem first and foremost seeks to take the reader on a journey, an experience through sensory detail, nouns, and vivid imagery. It takes what is abstract, and turns it into a concrete and understandable experience for the reader while maintaining a higher order of language including similie, metaphor, metrical rhythm, rhyme (which really needs to be used only in the context of meter)allusions, allegories...etc (the list could go on for quite awhile.
You have a nice journal entry here, but you don't really yet have a poem.
2007-12-08 17:50:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Another impeccable effort and another crystal gem!
Sincere in spirit, stubborn in intent, resentful in mood and conscientiously jesting in tone!
Quite bitter and defiant when audibly verbalized:
"Go ahead let them break your heart!"
Ever hearkened to such reprimand!
Did someone fault the imagery?
"let them break your heart/let them tear you apart!"
I like this semantic indirection: "Forget to remember"
I surely do. It is "cold and the ruthless" since it captures the metaphorical ingenuous flow with ingenious abandon!! What more could one want ask for?
Need to correct this spelling oversight: tongue.
Hope you wont just thrill Y/A folks with these remarkable pieces you churn but would extend the yarn to all and sundry beyond the horizon as a poetry book!
good luck
.
2007-12-09 08:47:17 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have a good start here. I love the emotion.
The first stanza blew me away. I love how it flowed and how I felt when I read it. The second stanza didn't have the same rhythm as the first, so it threw me back a little bit. I missed the repetition and the bluntness of it.
Work with this and you could have something amazing. :]
2007-12-09 01:48:28 · answer #3 · answered by ♫Kelsey♫ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like bitterness and depressing sh!t. I like angry sh!t, too. More even than love poems, they seem to be so raw and honest. I personally probably would've elaborated a little more and I am a prisoner of making mine rhyme but this is your piece and I think it's not bad at all.
2007-12-09 06:17:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Strong piece.
Work on the Punctuation and Caps is the only editorial suggestion I have at this time.
Powerful piece for me.
Sam
2007-12-09 02:34:04 · answer #5 · answered by Sam 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A lot of powerful emotional expression here. You definitely have a budding talent. Cultivate your talent, it would be a shame to waste it...
2007-12-09 03:57:47 · answer #6 · answered by ethology 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm with lucifer that is strange about the poem... ' and i love this poem.Thats how i feel when my insides feel like their burning up inside or i;m so mad' or feel beatdown, sometimes'' and god it really fuc#ken sucks.,,
2007-12-09 02:30:23 · answer #7 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ehhh.... I'm still thinking about your Creed poem.... I don't think I can get pass that at the moment...
2007-12-09 01:46:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is deep, but hon, don't think of ode, it is just a coincidence
2007-12-09 10:46:31 · answer #9 · answered by sweetnspicy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds so emotional ... but good .
2007-12-09 06:36:20 · answer #10 · answered by Snuggles 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋