Close to delivering baby, scared that fiance will continue selfish behavior after he's born.?

Question

I'm due in two weeks, and I'm thinking about asking my fiance to leave after the baby comes. He's been totally disinterested in my pregnancy, though getting pregnant was his idea. His cleaning skills don't exist and he only cooks when he wants to. Even after I got put on bedrest due to preeclampsia, I have to get up to cook and clean a little, otherwise the house is embarrassingly dirty when my sisters come by to help. One of the last straws was when he decided to spend $2000 for a new tv/audio set up at Thanksgiving. I've been struggling financially for a while, and he's been contributing little to the bills. Turns out he was saving up for that! I give 90% of every check to the house and he gives 50% of ONE check a month, and extra only when he can "afford it." Thing is, I feel bad because I've been putting up with it thus far, how can I gripe now that I've realized that he's just worthless? I feel like I may as well be living alone. I'd probably be better off in the long run.

A few answers: I guess the reason I let him talk me into it was that I'm 35 and he's 31. I didn't want kids with my ex-husband. We had plenty of money, what you'd call a "nice life" but he wanted to control me down to what I wore, did, etc. Turns out, he was cheating on me, and didn't trust me since he knew I couldn't trust him. With my fiance, it's different. I'm very independent and he lets me be that way. I knew that if we had kids, he'd be laid back and kind, instead up uptight and wigging out over every little thing.
As for marriage, I'm not too concerned with that. I didn't marry my ex until he changed a few things, same with my fiance. We got engaged, but I wasn't in a rush to tie the knot. I knew I wasn't totally happy, and thought we could work some stuff out.
I guess the main thing is, I was so busy doing everything, that I didn't realize how much I was doing until I had to slow down. Now that I have time to evaluate, I realize I'm doing it all and about to double it.

Answer 1

he seems to think only of his needs and wants, and be totally disinterested in meeting your needs or taking care of your needs. when your in a relationship theres certain things u should be doing for the relationship and financially your expected to do the right thing for your mate and if u don't, all u have is resentment towards that person. sometimes its better to live alone than with someone who's all out for their selves. when in a relationship one has an obligation to the other person. if one doesn't feel financially safe it makes for a very bad relationship. why settle for this when u can do better, u don't have to settle for this immature boy.

Answer 2

You are right to be concerned about your future, since now you have a little one to take care of.

The best thing you can do is sit down with him and talk about a plan that can work for both of you. Let him know that because of your current living situation, you are unhappy with the amount you contribute both financially, physically, and emotionally vs. the amount you feel he contributes. Make a list of the things that you would like to see changed and what you expect of him. Ask him to tell you what he expects of you. If you both can come to an agreement, then see how it goes. Give yourself a deadline, say 6 months. If he doesn't change and continues on his path, then you know that he isn't willing to make it work. You then have your answer as to what you need to do.

Answer 3

if i were in your situation, i would probably kick him out --- at least for a little until he decides that he wants to grow up a little bit. i was in a similar situation with my husband a few weeks ago. having him stay somewhere else had an influence on his behavior when he came back. he's been a lot better. he realizes now how much he's been lacking in the relationship. of course, this might not be the best advice in your situation but it was nice for the few days that i got to rest & be on my own before the baby comes. there wasn't as much stress in the enviroment which i think will help the pregnancy in the long run. in the end, you just have to decide how important this relationship is to you. or how important it is to give him the chance to be a father.

Answer 4

Wow, you trained and allowed him to do what he does now you are complaining. You made the man you want, you never demanded or required him to do his part and now you want him to grow up. It does not happen that way. You may need to allow him to leave the relationship and do it by yourself, but it is only fair you be honest and tell him why. He may just surprise you and step up to the plate. He may see you as a strong independent woman that does not need or want his help. At some point you had to tell him 50% of one check a month was all you needed. Time for you to sit down and talk this thing out, if it can't be resolved you may get up to 15% of his total income for the next 18 years.

Answer 5

what a lot of women don't realize during their first pregnancy, is that men have their own lil way of freaking out. some of it's good, some of it's bad. like another one said here, give him a bit of a chance once the baby is born. maybe 6 - 12 months of a chance. babies aren't all that much but eating and sleeping for the first few months, but once they begin to start interacting, crawling, sitting up, babbling, they can really get a man to kick it in gear, grow up and be a daddy.

Answer 6

since i see only women have answered your question,i thought i would give one from a guys point of view.when my wife was pregnant with my 17 year old,i guess i was pretty much an azz.i didn't help around the house,wasn't overly concerned with much of anything,until i heard my daughter's first cry.it didn't hit me until then-this is my child!!so give him a little time(you didn't say how old you two are,my wife and i were 19 and 20, respectfully)i bet he comes around,nothing like holding your baby for the first time,those were the days.now im up at 12:20 am waiting for her to come home(downpour outside going on-wont be able to sleep til shes home)

Answer 7

Tell him to leave now! Don't wait for the baby to be born. Ask one of your sisters if they can stay with you for the next two weeks. Get a mini-fridge and a microwave to put next to your bed with some healthy meals that you can zap, have milk, oatmeal, paper bowls, plastic spoons, etc. He won't change.

Oh, and BTW: Take him to court and have the judge garnish his wages so the child support comes out before he gets his check. This is how my sister did it when she divorced her deadbeat husband. Most states are doing this now to cut back on the amount of guys that don't pay.

Answer 8

Wait until the baby is born and give him some time. Once he sees a beautiful breathing baby, he might change his ways. If he doesn't, get a lawyer to establish visitations and child payments. Good Luck.

Answer 9

You are too good for this. It sounds like he wanted the baby, but doesn't want to be responsible. I think if he is giving you this trouble so far, he will only give you more trouble when the baby is born. He should be excited and committed to helping you and the baby out, but he sounds like he doesn't care. You would have better luck raising this baby yourself.

Answer 10

You're right, griping to him would be kind of worthless. He wouldn't understand because you haven't had a problem with it up until now. Now it is not just you though, now there is a baby to consider. I think that you're mind is on the right path, you will do fine on your own, and your child will thrive.