My husband just walked our on me......?

Question

He basically said I don't make him happy and then walked out the door. We have three kids 6, 4 and 4 months. I know we have been fighting alot but I seriously do not know how to feel about this. I am scared and I don't know what to do. If you have been in this situation can you please give me some advice?

**out** sorry for the mistake.

Answer 1

I'm exactly in that situation... well, I was about a month ago tomorrow.

One difference -- we just have the six and four year olds. Two little boys.

I was terrified, and in a lot of ways, I still am. But I'm starting to come around.

I would strongly suggest you two try your very very best to work out anything that has to do with the kids as peacefully as possible.

My soon-to-be ex and I have an usual situation, but it seems to be working for our family. Our split was based in something that happened about three years ago, and just never got resolved. In that time, though, we've both become better people and better parents, so we really do respect each other in that regard. We set up all the kid stuff, custody, child support, etc. without the help of a judge. We're presenting it to the lawyer, who will be drawing up papers based on what we gave him for an uncontested divorce.

We're splitting custody (doing a 4-day rotation, with a standard week-to-week+weekends and every other holiday schedule for a backup if ours does not work out.) My ex actually offered to pay more than the state would require him to, so I'm okay with not going to a judge.

Unfortunately, many men are not as hands-on a father as my ex is, so I don't know how realistic that is for other couples.

For right now, allow yourself the right to feel whatever comes to you. You'll go through denial, anger, possibly even begging ("bargaining"), back to anger, possibly guilt, more denial, back to anger, and eventually, acceptance.

All kids are different, so your kids' reactions will be different than mine were, especially consideing the unusual custody decisions we made. It's up to you how much you want to share with your children.

Resist the temptation to get into another relationship anytime soon. Even if you dont' realize it, it would most likely NOT be a relationship based on a firm foundation, where you went into it because you really wanted to. It would much more likely be that someone was there to comfort you and you wanted that so much, you couldn't refuse it.

Do NOT badmouth their dad in front of them. It will only cause problems. As for me, I have to stop myself from badmouthing him around pretty much anybody, because if our arrangement will work, it will only work if we don't get consumed by anger at one another. But if you need to call a girlfriend or a sister and call him every name in the book, do it. Just make sure your kids aren't around. The no badmouthing rule is steadfast, by the way, regardless of what he is up to. My ex moved out, and ten days later, had an apartment and invited his girlfriend to stay the night when my kids were there. I did some badmouthing the next day. I gave him a piece of my mind, and shared a few choice words with the girlfriend, as well. But when I came to pick the kids up at the end of the weekend, I just smiled and asked if they had fun. If I can do it, you can.

I have, for the most part, kept myself from crying around my kids. There have been two instances when I just couldn't stop it, though, and I chose to just be honest, without revealing too much. My six-year-old asked me why I was crying, and I just said I missed Daddy. Then I took him and held him as close as I could, because those kids are the only reason I can go on and do what I have to do, and I am going to make it, because I'm not going to let them see me break under the pressure.

For the first few nights, I actually had one of my kids sleeping in my room, just because I couldn't stand to be alone.

I would strongly suggest filling your time just holding on to what you still have that is good. Your children, your family, your friends, faith in God. I'm so lucky that we live in the same city as my family, because I've been spending a lot of time with them, which I really hadn't done for quite a while when I was married. My sister is a hair stylist, and she's fixed me up several times, which oddly enough, does help with the depression that sets in when I allow myself to just sit and be sad or lonely. Start blogging. Listen to music. Do whatever you need to do to preserve your sanity enough to do what you need to be doing.

When my husband moved out, someone suggested I watch movies. I'm a movie buff anyway, but I can tell you, you want to be careful with that route. Most of the movies I typically watch are romantic comedies, and they end with a happy ever after kissing scene at the end, and who wants to see that crap? Nope, I actually ended up watching some really heavy dramas that kind of put my pain in perspective. It was easier for me to sit down and watch Schindler's List or Selena than it was for me to sit and watch It's a Wonderful Life or Sleepless in Seattle.

I'm not gonna lie to ya, it sucks. But before long, you'll go to bed and realize you actually went the whole day without crying or tearing up once. That first time was actually really empowering for me.

If you have any offers of help from people who care about you, take them. That could be someone watching the kids for a few hours so you can get some rest (after about three weeks of not being able to sleep, my mom gave me an Ambien and took the kids for the night). My sisters have done my hair and waxxed my eyebrows, picked the kids up from daycare when I couldn't. My mom, and my dad and stepmom, are helping me do some kind of Santa thing for my kids, because I just couldn't do it on my own. I'm really really blessed, and I just pray you have someone around where you are who can be a good source of support.

Come on here and ask questions. I've asked them through every step of the process -- about things like custody/alimony and custody issues, and even my fears that once I'm ready to date again, no man would want a woman with two kids. And the people who have responded have been really kind (more so than you see in other catagories).

Feel free to browse through my questions, since it sounds like our situations are very similar. Particularly the one from last week, "How do you get over something like this?" I felt like NO ONE could have ever hurt as much as I did, and still do. But then I started consciously reminding myself that millions of people are in this position, or have been in this position.

If they can get through it, so can we.

If you would like, you are more than welcome to email me, and rant and rave and just rail against your husband. I won't say anything to try to convince you that he's a loser, but I won't stop you from saying it. :-) Sometimes, it helps to let loose to someone who can be objective, who won't try to encourage you to hold on to anger, but who won't be offended by whatever you have to say, either.

I leave you with a line from one of those sappy romantic comedies:

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
-- Tom Hanks (as Sam Baldwin)
Sleepless in Seattle


God bless you, honey. You'll make it.

Answer 2

I iwill give you a site regarding life choices which may help you but for now, just take it one step at a time. First, get an attorney - legal aid if you can't afford one - and file for divorce and child support. if you were fighting all the time, you will probably be happier in the long run but it can be scary in the meantime so I hope the site below will help you. any man who simply walks out leaving behind a 4 month old baby may have been cheating while you were pregnant and is pretty worthess if he simply walks out without trying to make the marriage work for the babies sake. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Don't think about him walking out and being gone forever just think about one day at a time. Think tomorrow is Sunday what will I do with my kids tomorrow? You need to calm down because you have some big decisions to make and you do not want to let fear make your decision. Sometimes the fear of being alone and raising your kids alone can make you accept a life you are not happy with. Are you happy with your life? Do you want to keep your marriage together? Has he walked out before sometimes men do that if they have plans and he will back tomorrow. I did not have kids but went through a tough divorce separating and getting back together for a couple of years before I finally had enough and ended it. He was the one always walking away when he did not get his way I decided I could not have a life with someone that would not work on problems. Look at your whole life with him and decide what things are good or bad if there is enough good talk to him and see if you can work it out if things are mostly bad you might have to be the one to end it. But you need to be prepared that he might not want to come home and if he does not you will have to let him go. Think about your children and what is best for them I know you think at this time why can't your husband just be the man you want him to be, the man you thought you married, the father you wanted for your children but sometimes they just can't be and we have to accept it and move on it is true what does not kill us makes us stronger.

Answer 4

I'm sorry this is going on, have you tried talking to him and trying to find out just what it is that he's not happy about?

I mean if it because you spend too much time with the kids he's being very stubborn and unfair kids needs the both of you and he's acting just as young as the kids.

Did he even stop to think that maybe your not happy. He shouldn't try to make you feel like your doing something wrong.

He walks out because it's easy for him to walkout, maybe you would like to walkout but u can't because u have the kids and what mother is gonna just up and walk out leaving her kids?

He is so very 100% wrong for walking out on his family even if it just for a few hours what are you to say to the kids if they ask wheres daddy ,why did he leave, is he coming back, now your stuck to have to makeup something so they don't feel they did something wrong.

I'm sorry sweetie but your hubby needs a kick in the butt for doing that to you and the kids.

Ask him if the kids make him happy? ask him if it makes him happy to leave out like he did ? ask him what is it out there where ever he went tonight that he feels will make him happy and if this walking out thing becomes a habit he's gonna know what not being happy really is because he's gonna have to answer to his kids why he leaves whenever he gets in one of his moods.


God Bless and Good Luck sweetie

Hang in there your gonna be alright try for hard for yourself and kids not to let him get to you. Be strong for the kids sake and do whatever u need to do to make sure the kids will not be affected by him being a jerk.

Answer 5

It sounds as if he's scared himself --3 kids and a wife and with the holidays coming up 'n all NOT that this is an excuse but if he is not ready to be there to be your support system then you need to think about that and maybe become your own support system and take care of you and your 3 beautiful children on your own
You can do it if youput your mind to it and your children will know (when they are older) who was the "constant" in their lives. Be their role model and don't waste your time or tears on someone who can't decide whether or not he wants you & those kids.
Good Luck & have a Great life

Answer 6

Dont worry, he will be back, he,s not stupied, he has 3 kids & Im sure he doesnt want a hefty childsupport bill to have to pay for the next 18 years, I hate to have to tell ya that, but this is why most men dont bail on their wives, out of fear of opening up their wallets. Im sure he just needs some time to cool off & think things over, when he calms down he will be back!

Answer 7

if this is just recently that you started having problems and everything was ok before give him a little space he just needs time.
if this is something that has been building for some time go file for custody of the kids and request child support. don't let him worry you iether way if its over move on if its not he will be back soon. men are very needy and can't live for long without women if he starts dating then move on. you'll find someone who can love you and your children even if he stays away.

Answer 8

when my ex left me, and claimed to be unhappy, turned out it was because he was cheating and the other woman had given him an ultimatum, her or me. he chose her. sometimes theres no way when this happens but to face reality, and let him go. there will be problems in every marriage, but instead of ruining away like a coward, he should be talking it over and trying to find a way to restore the marriage, he's just a coward who can't deal with problems.

Answer 9

Are you fighting about something important like he's cheating, porn, or flirting?

Or little things? If small things that really don't matter - quit arguing with him. If he brings up something you don't like, maybe you don't always have to say anything. Don't nag, don't criticize, belittle or be sarcastic.

If you want him back:

Get busy!!!

Go fix your hair, put on fresh lipstick, and a squirt of perfume in case he comes right home.

Put on relaxing classical music to soothe his nerves and yours, too.

Go to the kitchen and bake his favorite cookies or fix a favorite food he likes.

Prepare to apologize if you need to. Tell him he's right - that diffuses an argument immediately. "You're right, I was late." or "Yes, you're right, I did make an error."

Get the books Fascinating Womanhood and Created to Be His Helpmeet. They tell you how to please your husband.

If he wants to separate, you can agree he's right, but ask him to post-pone it until after Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Income Taxes are done. Then you can postpone it until further dates. This will give you time to read those books, get counseling, and work on your marriage.

more....I'll be adding to this for you in a few minutes.

Edit, more:

Pray, study scripture, and find a good mentor on childrearing and homemaking.

Comb your hair and put on a little makeup when you first get up so he'll remember you looking nice all day.

Keep your house tidy and clean. Men don't like piles of dirty dishes or laundry or toys strewn everywhere. Train the children to put away all but one or two toys before he comes home. If you can hire a high school girl as a Mother's Helper to come in and help you 2 hours once or twice a week.

Try to appeal to all of his senses: no dirty diaper smell or visual messiness

Teach your children that Daddy's homecoming from work is a big event - have them all greet him with enthusiasm when he arrives home, then dismiss them to get ready for dinner while your husband unwinds from work for 20-30 minutes or so.

Try to stay with him until your children are grown unless he is violent.

Hope it works out for you dear. Let us know if he comes back tonight, OK?

Joy to you!

Answer 10

take a breath, and begin to take things one by one. it's a very overwhelming situation, and you need to try your best to just take it bit by bit. you will get through this. your kids will get through this.

who knows what he's doing or where he's going with it all. but you need to focus on what you're doing and where you are going to go from here. do NOT make comments about your husband, this is NOT the time to start talking smack about anyone. if you're kids ask anything, tell them you are figuring it out and once you have an answer you'll tell them.

i'd suggest not chasing the husband down, physically or verbally. jumping to conclusions and making assumptions right now will just make matters worse. gather your family and/or friends around you, you need their support and so do your children.

a please bear in mind, no one's happiness is based on another person. we are each responsible for our own happiness. and just brace yourself for comments being thrown at you from the husband. remain objective towards them, and it would probably be best to remain as silent as possible whenever he does contact you. listen and feel what is going on.

Answer 11

Even if you feel overwhelmed about his leaving, just suck it up and pretend that you are fine without him, he will soon come back... and if he doesnt there are many ways a woman can raise her children on her own, you can always get financial assistance until you can get on your feet. A man that would walk out on you and your young children is just not worth your misery.. no matter what you think, your self worth is not dependent on him, let him leave honey.