Need some advice, what to do with my husband?

Question

He just seems to be really insensitive and uncaring today. He is busy playing xbox 360 (which I bought him for christmas and he said he needs to test it out a few days ago and hasnt finished 'testing' it yet) and I have been trying to talk to him about a problem we are having. We sorted out the problem after a horribly frustrating argument and then I was feeling emotional and was trying to explain all my feelings to him and he said 'please stop, I don't want to talk anymore' so I started crying and telling him I just wanted to tell him my feelings, I went off crying into our room and he just went back to playing video games, he didnt check on me or show he cared in any way. He still isn't. I am really upset and I have nobody to talk to, he is the only person I talk to and he doesn't even want to listen to me today. Is that normal? What am I supposed to do, I want him to be caring and show me he cares.

I do have friends outside of our marriage but I don't like to burden them with my problems, especially on a weekend when they want to spend time with their families!

Answer 1

Don't push...you had an argument today...he probably doesn't want to hear anymore of your feelings today, because he has already heard them in the argument, and now he has his feelings to deal with. We handle things differently, sometimes, and that is okay. He too might be really upset and is looking for ways to distance himself a bit as opposed to you wanting to share. He might feel that you are forcing your feelings on him, and he is resenting you for it. Sometimes, we have to find other ways to express our feelings, (like journaling) or find someone else to share it with. Guys just like to deal with it and leave it alone, they don't want to talk about it after it has been resolved. He might be up for hearing about your feelings on another day, but right now, and probably later, he will think you are arguing again.

Maybe a couple of weeks from now, sit down with him and ask him how HE feels after you have had an argument. Instead of accusing him of not being there for you, try to get to know him by finding out how we likes to deal with things when you have an argument. (Ask him why he withdraws after an argument, and does he want time to himself etc.) Then the next time you have an argument, you can come to respect each others boundaries and find a time that is more suitable to share your feelings...you know...find compromise. You can't deal with what you don't know, so find out what you need to know, so next time, you can avoid the frustration and pain after an argument.

Answer 2

It is difficult when a man has an affair with an inanimate object. I know because mine has one with the computer, not chatting just online auction or news whatever the internet is offering. Anyway, you will have to find a time that he is not on the game and then you will have to start talking to him. During the time he is not on the system, you can say to him something like, "Honey, I feel like when you are on the xbox it is hard for you to listen to me. Is there a time we can fix so that we can talk about anything?" You don't have to say that exactly but one thing you should do is start the sentence with I not you. If you start it with I then he is more apt to listen because it is a statement. If you start it with you then it is an accusation and it automatically makes him shut down.
Also since you are feeling so alone with his actions perhaps you could do the same thing. You may not like it but maybe you could get on the xbox and start playing then when he starts to complain let him know this is what he does and you really like playing (could be a little lie but for a purpose) and you are just testing it out you figured the extra game time couldn't hurt the machine.

Answer 3

When you are both calmer, you need to sit down and talk together. Communication is the key in a relationship. If you cannot talk and relate with each other, what CAN you do? You need to tell him flat out how you feel about his actions and your argument, and then say how you can BOTH improve in solving the issue. For example, you could say, "I really feel that we were not communicating well the other night, and I don't want it to happen again. It really upsets me when you are not willing to solve our problems together and that you would rather play video games instead. I really care about you and I care about our relationship." You need to stress the fact that you aren't happy and that you want things to change. Don't yell, don't grow frustrated, don't threaten - even if he does, you shouldn't. Just sit there and talk maturely, as adults, about the situation.

Remember, every couple has their ups and downs. But if this is consistant, and you constantly feel this way, then maybe you should seek some counselling. If your husband refuses to go with you, just go alone. Find a way to communicate better with yourself AND your husband. It will be worth it in the long run.

XOXO,
Laurie

Answer 4

Sometimes men instead of being able to talk over their feelings ALL at once, need time to breathe, collect themselves, and actually THINK about how they feel.

What I can say for sure, is that your husband is being insensitive, and may be using not checking on you as punishment because he feels the argument did not go his way, or was resolved by pointing all blame upon him. If I were you, I'd go to him, tell him "Look, I was obviously upset, that was a heated talk. But you have to understand the ONE person I want to talk to about how I feel is you because you're my best friend, and as my best friend you have to deal with me when I'm up, and when I'm down, because I'd do the same for you. So if you need time to figure out how you feel, I'll give you that, but accept this won't be resolved until I don't feel the need to cry anymore, and until you decide to make me feel like I'm not just yelling at you, but trying to figure out a way we can BOTH be happy...so if you insist on playing that XBOX instead of acknowledging I'm unhappy right now, then I'm going to acknowledge your an asshole, and treat you as such."

Answer 5

I think guys can shut off emotion 1000x easier the women can. And you did just give him a 360, so of course he's going to be testing it and testing and testing it some more.

Maybe you should just try to relax and get your mind off it for now. Got any books? Organize your closet. Go for a walk if it isn't cold where you live. OR, get a few sheets of paper, get everything out on paper, read it, and evaluate your thoughts. Then rip it up, burn it, or destroy it any way you can. This will help to get it off your shoulders.

You did know that he would be glued to the TV with this xbox, right? I mean, he's a guy!

Answer 6

Yes that is perfectly normal because guys do that sometimes. Games are really addictive, and if they can distract them from their loved ones. However, his behavior is unacceptable if you are crying and want to talk to him, he should at least pause the game and listen. I don't know what the argument was about though so it might be something bigger. Just wait it out, give him a day or so and i'm sure he will come around. When you are both feeling normal, talk to him and say he cannot just shut you out whenever he chooses to because it hurts you and you feel like you have no one to turn to. Good luck!

Answer 7

I would like to ask a question to you, how much time do you spend on the computer? or watching tv? Could it possibly be that he has in the past felt neglected himself and feels this is a way to get back? Some times young couples disconnect from each other because of small things that happen.

Answer 8

yeah unfortunately its normal. people often take each others feeling for granted and men usually don't want to talk about em anyway...unless of course it is his problem and he is trying to get you to understand. My reaction would be to cut him off sexually or piss him off by leaving and not tell him where and come back at some ungodly hour and not explain why or where you have been. That of course is manipulation and will usually cause trouble too. He is just being selfish and manipulative too, but if you do that then the problems will escalate.
If you can get some counseling and make him go with you as well or threaten to divorce him if he doesn't.
Sorry I don't think I am much help.

Answer 9

If this is just a recent problem, I would suggest that you just give him a couple of days because you don't know how he's feeling and he might just need a break. If it goes on for while longer, you need to tell him how you feel - try and get him to open up and ask him to be a little more attentive.

Answer 10

Sounds like he can't deal with the issue at hand right now. Give him a day or two, he'll come around. Just because he's having an "off" day doesn't mean he has stopped caring. We act irrational sometimes too.