In love with my best friend who is separated from his wife, Im going through a divorce, VERY confused.?

Question

Lets call him "John". When we met a few years ago we were married to other people. Our (then) spouses were best friends at the time. John and I had an affair while I was in the midst of an ugly separation from my husband and John was still married to his wife. Our spouses soon found out, and within days afterwards John and I had stopped talking to each other. He went back to his wife to try and make things work so we backed away from each other completely. My husband and I began the proceeds for a divorce. It has been about 9 months since then, my ex and I are still going through a divorce and John and his wife separated within 3 months after the affair's discovery. John and I started talking again 2 months ago. He and I have had an incredible friendship and care very deeply for each other. I am unsure if we should just stay friends for now till our divorces are finalized or if we should just persue our happiness and a deeper relationship together, or nothing at all. What should I do?

He claims he has feelings for me and wants more than a friendship, but truly friends is all I feel we should be right now. Yet my conflict is, I have feelings for him as well. (mature answers/advice please)

Answer 1

I would strongly suggest that the two of you back away from each other until you get through your respective divorces. The emotions (good and bad) are still raw; both of you need some breathing room.

You also need to clarify your definition of "friendship." As a friend, should John have consented to a relationship with you while you were going through a troublesome time, or should he have asked you if you'd done all you could to repair your marriage? You cheated on your spouses; can you trust each other completely? Can your friendship exist without sexual intimacy? Will your friendship survive if a relationship doesn't work?

I think you should both back up and allow for a cooling off period. Get through the divorces, clear your heads. It is OK not to be involved with someone right after a divorce. If the friendship and feelings are that strong, then they will survive space and distance while you get your respective feet on the ground- independently.

Answer 2

While I can't answer as someone who's gone through divorce, I can answer as someone who's been married over 10 years and may be single again soon. Personally, I would want to treat you better, but I've been told that divorce is very stressful. He's bringing to end the only world he's known for the past 10 years. Plus he's still putting in the time at a demanding job and dealing with the scum of the Earth, that being lawyers. I'm pretty sure he's drained emotionally, physically and financially. Also, if his ex is taking him to the cleaners, he may be a little gun shy about jumping into s new relationship.

Answer 3

You need to keep it at a friend level for now and perhaps even for a time afterwards until you are sure that it is not just an alternative to the situations you are both in now. compared to your ugly marriage, John would have looked like a good alternative and because he cheated on his wife with you, he may also cheat on you once he is divorced.
this is a life choice and I will give you a good site to get answers regarding that but you should wait until you are both free to date others to see if the attraction is still as strong then.

Answer 4

Wait until you and "John" are both legally single again. You have to much drama in your life right now to begin a new relationship. You sound like you had an emotional affair more than a sexual one. I would cut all ties for awhile and clear your head. You cheated once what makes you think you both can be loyal to each other now?

Answer 5

I think you guys need to "clean your plates" before moving together. I think that you do getting together may be a real big mistake. His marriage ended b/c of an affair you two had. I know you may feel that you guys are closer than two ppl ever could be, But the truth is He cheated on his wife (and you knew his wife) On top of that; he came into your life during a time when you were going through a lot, and he "saved you". I think your feelings are misplaced about him. and with time you will see that I'm right.
Give it time, after any divorce More likely than not the first person you date is the rebound person. This is much more sticky. and I feel you need to just deal with your own issues.
Good luck

Answer 6

Just lay low until everything is finalized and you're a "free woman" again. If you love "John", and he you, then a few months won't mean a hill of beans. Keep in contact with him, and maybe see him from time to time, but keep it casual. You could even tell him you'd like to ask him out on your "first date" as soon as every thing is final... and keep him waiting in the wings until it is. Divorces are difficult. Let them get ironed out first, then proceed.

Answer 7

First and foremost find out what John wants and if he still feel the same way, about you first, then wait on the divorce, you both already broke your marriage vows.

Answer 8

Stay away, stay away. It will never work out. Even if everyone gets divorced and you two get together, it will never work in the long run because of all the baggage. Trust me on this one.

Answer 9

I would wait till all divorces are final. That way your ex's can't get even angryer at the situation.Stay good friends and tell the guy you like that u want to be together but not until its all final

Answer 10

I think you owe allot of people an apology .. I hope there was no kids involved... Hes a creep and I don't think I'm allowed to tell yo what you are... So grow up....Ho Ho Ho...