im thinking about leaving my husband?

Question

This is quite long-winded, but kind answers only please. My husband and I have been together for 5 and a half years and married for just over a year. i guess you could say its been and up and down relationship. when i think back over the years there have been a fair few arguments and i suppose the bad times outweigh the good really. Ive thought about leaving before as im not really happy, however I cant pluck up the courage to do so. Ive been looking for alternate accommodation but when it comes down to viewing the places I cant go ahead with it. Ive spoken to family and friends who just tell me to do what i feel is right but i dont know what to do. We have no children and we rent our place, but we do share many posessions which would be difficult to sort out as I know my husband would make things difficult just to spite me if we split. I really dont know what to do. I just wondered if anybody has been through something similar.. thank you

its a bit harder than ' just doing it' dede, dont u think i would have if it was that easy

david b - no i cant sort it out, otherwise i wud have done

well thats the obvious thing to say isnt it larry? wouldnt the world be a perfect place if we all went by that!

Answer 1

then do it

Answer 2

I reckon your decision has already been made; when you get to the stage of checking out what accomodation is available, and you find you can't take that extra step....you are still just testing the waters. You may not make the move for some time, but in your heart, I think you have decided.

The fact that you don't own a house together or have children should simplify things. At the end of the day, possessions are just that; just things you own. I left my home and my marriage 20 years ago, taking my 4 small kids with me to a rented house. My husband then vacated the family home so the kids would have somewhere safe to live, and he rented; but he cleaned the house out. He took the car, the curtains, the kitchen table and chairs, the television, the suite..In addition, I had to fight him every step of the way for the most basic maintenance; he continuously defaulted. In the end, I had to go back to work at night to put food on the table..I had some very hard years when I was quite poor, but have never regretted my decision.

It does take a lot of courage to leave; even with the rows and unhappiness, there is a kind of comfort zone in it, and we have to leave all that. Don't get too hung up on the possessions thing; if you show willing, he will have lost that "control"thing that men can have if they feel it will hurt the woman.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I would recommend you think very carefully before you split up. Naturally it would depend on how far gone the relationship is, but the mere fact that you are thinking of leaving suggests you are very unhappy. All marriages go through a really bad patch, even if you really love each other. To me the test of any marriage is how you behave to each other during these bad times and the feelings inside of you, which can be very confusing. I would recommend taking some guidance from professionals before making any final decisions-such as relate or a similar organisation. If in the end you still feel the same, well try a period of time apart and maybe not see each other for a few months, then try dating again to see if the old magic is still there. If not then well you will know for sure its over and you can go your separate ways, which will be hard and very emotional-even more then now.

Answer 4

You have been with this man for five years and married only just over a year is that right you have had your ups and down and than you marry this man and things are not working out you knew this wouldnt work out when you married him.You have know children togehter but you have posessions together let me tell you something material things are not as important as your mental state you are unhappy so why stay married to this man. Listen do what ever that will make you happy and dont worry about these material things. So many people stay togehter for these same reasons and wind up letting they whole life slip away from them.

best of luck

Answer 5

Hi

I think you would be in the minority if you hadn't at some stage thought about this. We often go through spells when we think we are wasting our time with the wrong person.

You must have had some feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't have married him would you? What has happened to those feelings? True love wont go away as easy as all that.
Do you even like him much?

It is often easier to leave a marriage if we have a new partner on the scene because we have a plan in mind for a new life with a better relationship, but when things are just drab in our present lives it is harder to make a fresh start on our own.

Only you can make your decisions as only you can know what is the right thing for yourself. If you are truly that miserable with him then start again on your own, don't worry about material things, they are nice to have but don't hold the key to real happiness.

Just give yourself time to come to the right choice.

Answer 6

I been through a similar situation but with my LT GF - 5 years as well. Just coz it 'feels' right does not mean its the best decision. You guys might just be going through a 'phase' or the communication has just broken down. I mean have you tried to iron out your problems ? talk about whats bothering you ?
Someone said the hubby sounds like a jerk - how do you judge that from so little info??? I say talk to your hubby about your problems - no relationship is perfect and any relationship will need a lot of hard work from both parties if its gonna work. Dont make any hasty decisions that on reflection you will regret - i was in your position once only to realise when it was too late that all we needed was to talk/communication and understand each other. You see,if and when you talk to your hubby, you will then know for sure what you should do,but before that dont make hasty decisions please. Relationships are not menat to be 'happy ever after' arrangements - you will experience highs and lows - dont bail out on the lows - you will regret it.

Answer 7

I think your actions of not being able to look at other places speaks to you about your feelings. You might not be ready to make the move now. I know it is a very difficult move to make. The plus is the no children. I know when my ex-hubby and I split, we split our stuff up by which side of the family gave us what. Example, bed my family me, etc. It is not an easy decision to make, and people can't tell you what to do and make that decision for you. You have to reach it on your own. When you are ready you will find the strength to do it. Don't pay attention to what other people say they aren't the ones living your life, you are. IF he is physically abusing you then you should leave right away, but if it is other problems, then take all the time you need.

Answer 8

I am going through the same thing now. We've been together 7 years, no kids and I am going to move out after the holidays. I cry every day. I know that breaking up is best for us and I do not want to put it off much longer but the physical part of the break up (dividing up possessions, packing, moving) is so overwhelming to me. However, I know that once I am in my own house and away from him I will be much happier and you will too. Just start packing and find a place to live. you just need to get over the hump and you will be fine. good luck

Answer 9

I will be as kind as I can.
Please remember this first and foremost: DIVORCE HURTS EVERYBODY.
even if you don't have kids, this is a situation that can get better. seek some help from a counselor or a pastor. start to communicate your feelings, if he truly loves you then he will hear what you have to say. Remember, guys don't get into marriage planning on failure. We some times need a clue dropped on us like an anvil, but we really don't want our marriages to go south any more than you do. We often don't see things the same, or approach things the same or even fix things the same. one thing that I think everyone need to see is that men and women don't communicate the same... we literally speak different languages. it's learning to speak each other's love language that takes work, REAL WORK. I'm sure you can work it out if you try. don't give up. the only things worth having in life are worth working (and fighting) for.
God bless and good luck!

Answer 10

At least be glad you don't have children with him, because then it would be far more difficult to leave. What kind of things do you share that he will make difficult for you? Why don't you pack things up secretly and take them with you? And leave things you don't really need. And when you get to wherever you wanna stay (whether its a family or friends house or anywhere else) then you can call him or leave him a note to tell him what's going on.

Ask your friends and family to help you out with anything you need, including taking your stuff, maybe legal-related things or whatever becoz this is gonna be difficult to do on your own.

Answer 11

What could be making it difficult is your lack of conviction in wanting to leave him. Now this could be because you are afraid of all the hassle and upheaval, quite understandably, or because you still have feelings for him. I left my partner twice- moved away to uni- which was easier as i had a brand new community to fall in with, nobody knowing me etc.

However, I have since married him and have never been happier- we've sorted all our problems out. I have no kids, all our relationship problems were due to external influences, work, family etc. We were mostly fine on our own. If you do not look forward to your husband's company- ask yourself- why is this? Is he boring? unkind? You need to make sure it is your husband you want to leave- not your current lifestyle- we all get bored and people get on our nerves at times- maybe make a go of it- change routine- talk to him.

If however, you have no feelings for him- you will not feel hurt leaving him- if you don't care if you don't see him again- if you can truly say that, then all the practical things, moving, money, etc can be overcome as they are just practical stuff- family and friends will probably help out and you can make a clean break.

Just finally decide if you really want to leave him, don't want to share a bed with him, eat with him, holiday with him, see your future with him- then get going lady! all the best.