Why should you not say 'Sorry I ..., but'?

Question

A couple of people I know have said to me that when you apologise to somebody you should not end the apology with 'but'.

e.g. "Sorry I shouted at you but you were getting on my nerves".

I'm eager to unearth the ethic that underpins this maxim. If you feel that the other person must bare some responsibility for your actions, how ought one to frame ones apology?

Answer 1

No one is ever responsible for the actions of another person. Not ever. If someone is getting on your nerves, your responsibility is to control your reaction. Tell them their behavior is annoying if you feel it's really necessary, but don't blame your lack of self-control on someone else. If you do lose that self-control then appologize for it. It would be better to say, "Your actions were really getting on my nerves, but that was no excuse for me to yell at you. I'm sorry."

That is the ethic that underpins that maxim.

Answer 2

I understand what you are trying to say. If we are to apologize to someone, there should be no 'but' in the sentence.

To apologize is to ask for forgiveness from a person we disrespected or hurt in some way. There cannot be any 'but' if we are truly sorry.

"Sorry I shouted at you. PERIOD, no 'but...'.

If the other person is responsible, or partially responsible, then we should not be apologizing, but rather discussing what each of us did wrong in a certain circumstance.

I really think that a 'Sorry, but...' is not an apology at all...

Answer 3

Sorry that I need to answer this question but you did ask.
Thats not an apology, its an accusation.
If you really want to apologise, never qualify your apology, If you do the apology will carry no weight.
I you are really serious ask the offended person to forgive you as well. Finsh by asking "Will you forgive me?". You`ll be amazed at the power of that.
If the other person is in some way responsible, it`s up to them to make their own amends. If you feel that they need a prompt from you, you are manipulating, not apologising if you mention it in any way.

Answer 4

I don't like this rule.

It's difficult because you rarely do something without having justification for it, so if you upset or offend someone, there's usually reason behind it, whether it's their fault, yours or someone else's. People usually want to know why you did something. This sentence structure takes care of that. It states that you're sorry, then gives the reason. It's probably not the best phrased apology, but it gets the point across.

Maybe "I'm sorry I upset you. The reason I did this is..." would be better.

Answer 5

It's a half-hearted apology at best. It tries to excuse the behavior and transfer the blame to the other person. The apology is only for the purpose of creating a truce, not admitting a wrong action. It says "I shouldn't have yelled at you, but your actions made me do it." A true apology would have simply admitted that losing one's temper is wrong, not just stating the obvious, that he shouted. "I'm sorry I lost my temper. That was wrong." That admission leaves it open for the other person to admit they were being irritating, but does not demand it.

Answer 6

I didn't know that.
Just say sorry I shouted at you for getting on my nerves. I am a little short tempered and having PMS (or something). I used to warn people about this the first time I met them. Like my kids friends when they were teens. Their friends got a kick out of it and realized I was going to be honest with them.
How do you think that would sound?

Answer 7

That sounds good! It sounds like a wise action in your apology. I like it.
I like it because it puts the onus on you entirely and does not share the blame for your wrong. If you are going to apologize the for crying out loud " mean it "! Otherwise the "but" is an escape clause; kind of like a releas valve on your own guilt.

Answer 8

because nobody should have to bear the actions of someone else. every one has to be accountable for their own actions and if you have done wrong then apologise. your e.g"sorry i shouted at you but you were getting on my nerves" could have been replaced with thinking... i'm not responsible for how your nerves work!!

Answer 9

When you are apologising you are trying to excuse the upset or whatever caused by things you said or did as unintentional.

Using "but" at the end is an attempt to justify the upset.

If it was unintentional then it cannot be justified.

It is almost saying "i didn't mean to upset you, but it is your fault that i did anyway".

That is not an apology. It is almost an attempt to pass the blame.

Answer 10

I think the "but" is an attempt to justify ones actions, and free oneself from the guilt of the actions that the person feels shameful. It turns the criminal into a victim, at least in their own eyes, they feel what they did is shameful and apologize, and they add a "but" to free themselves of responsibility for their actions.

I think people should exclude a "but" in an apology, you are responsible for your actions, and the "but" is just an attempt to exempt yourself from judgment.