please help my poem!?

Question

i really like the idea in this poem, but it is kind of sucky. thanks for any suggestions.

I am Unconfident
A dune of sand
Changing with the slightest breeze
Having no shape of my own

I am Ordinary
A mass of plain dirt
The elements shape me to their will
Only occasionally hitting steady rock

I am Thinker
A sheet of clay
Once soft and malleable
Now hardened to rock

I am Me
A block of stone
Never moving, never changing
No matter the pressure

And I am Revolutionary
A mountain of rock and ice
The glacier, melting and freezing as the elements command
But with a heart of granite

I know how to blend in, be who they are
Standing out just enough to noticed
Then gradually I reveal who I really am
They follow like sheep

I tell Unconfident who to be
Create the mold for Ordinary
Make the initial cuts in Thinker
And do my best to break down Me

I am Gandhi, Galileo, Napoleon, Dr. King
I change your world into mine

Answer 1

This is really good. I like it.

How about the last two lines, instead of being dominating, couldn't they be more one with the whole poem, like:

I am the unconsious collective will flowing through Everything
changing Everything in the very next moment of time.

Answer 2

Actually the work isn't "SUCKY" at all.

I've been writing and publishing for more than 40 years, and just today came into this category.

I want to tell you; and wish I could; to everyone who comes here; with all due respect; it is so much less about WHAT you write; than it is about HOW and WHY.

I want to assume most who post here are young, and we all have opinions. I wish there was a way to express mine globally to the yahoo poetic community; that the message might be most specific to you, and you alone, but that should be all that matters in expressing a passion. Obviously if others GET IT and enjoy it; that's like sweet icing on an already delicious cake; but if YOU ATE the entire cake yourself; it would be no less valid.

WE are our greatest; critics, in the sense of self,,,and self doubt/ fear or opinions and critisism happens often; but to engage in our passions should never be something we submit to by contract, or deny by opinions of others.

If you wrote a Haiku regarding the subject of your poem it could read like this.

I write
I think it invalid
I don't care.
I write anyway.

Practice is an innacurate term as regards poetry or prose other than grammer; punctuation; at times; if one expects to publish. Credibility should only be measured by the sense of the work; assuming anyone GETS IT.

One final example and I'll move on.

Elizabeth Barret Browning probably published works that satisfied her, and could be counted on one hand in her 43 years; plus/minus. In fact one of her greatest took her 10 years of re-writes before she felt it ok to submit, and it was approx. 143 words.

What does your writing do for you; should be the only question you ask, and hopefully can answer.

Steven Wolf

Answer 3

Two small points:

-reconsider your usage (three times?) of the word "rock"
-rework the line that reads "they follow like sheep". Your treading into the gray world of cliche there, which threatens to undermine the rest of the piece.

Answer 4

I am the land you are sea and i feel you rushing over me
A smothering touch i push away but my resolve falters and washes away.
Everything you just said but in two sentences.