i wrote this poem and im not sure if its that good. just want some feedback?

Question

Fleeting Memories

I wake up, slip on my shoes
Eat breakfast, watch the news
Things are dull, things are sad
No more reasons to be glad
A normal day in the life we live
I need something more to give
Slip in the car, I need to get away
There’s nothing more to say
It’s hard to pretend there’s nothing wrong
I’ve been pretending for far too long
The notes of life have skipped a beat
I’m moving like I’ve got two left feet
Just hold me, say things will be alright
Maybe someday we can find the light
Like the ocean and the sand
We walk hand in hand

Answer 1

I didn't read it, but the point of any prose or non-prose or art work is that the writer/artist (i.e., YOU) likes it, and to heck with what anyone else says about it!

Answer 2

I think what you have here is a classic first draft. You've outlined some of the sentiment you want to express but, I'm afraid, haven't quite shown us anything with the particular words you use. I'm afraid I'll have to agree with some of the points that "my name doesn't fit here" brought up. A few of the lines are cliche and it feels like you've really obligated yourself to the rhyme scheme. It reads like a skeletal outline of a potentially "heavy" poem. If what you are trying to express here is some sort of misery you find in your day-to-day life then you really don't need to give us a play by play that leads into the real message of the poem (ie: wake up, slip on shoes, breakfast, news...). This piece merits a few more drafts. Be liberal with your red pen. The end result may look absolutely nothing like the original (that's usually a good thng) but you'll get your point across in a much more unique voice. In the case of this poem specifically I'd consider throwing the rhyme scheme out the window entirely and breaking the lines up into separate stanzas. I'm also not sure how the title specifically relates to the piece.

Answer 3

I'm currently on my school's literary magazine. We are harsh. We are cruel. And we tell the blunt truth. So here goes.

Your poem is daunting. It's very long and would take up half the page. It's huge and an eyesore, so it's got to have depth to it. It seems like the rhymes were forced and the phrases are cliched and it doesn't bring anything more to the poetic table than was already there. You lack uniqueness.

When I first had my poem critiqued, mine was very much like yours and I was heartbroken. You need to read up on your poetry and really get a feel for what people are looking for. To the untrained eye, this is a gorgeous poem. You did a very good job. I could really feel how lost you were. It was brilliant. You should have this published. But to an advanced eye, you really just don't get it and it's easy to tell that you're not well read.

I really don't like to be harsh, but you might want to stick with this loneliness you have in your poem and try to apply it. Make sure you have depth but remember, shorter is sweeter. KISS (Keep it simple stupid). Try to critique other poems and your own poem and you'll find yourself nailed down and really focusing on your weaknesses.

I wish you the best of luck in this wintry, poetic world.

Answer 4

I think it is really good. And its very truthful which is hard to come by sometimes in Poetry. But, my one suggestion is to add words or do something to make the rhythm smoother. Like, where the poem says "There's nothing more to say...", try changing 'there's' to 'there is'. I don't know if that'll help, but try to change things up to make the flow smoother. Other than that, I think its a great poem. Great job!

Answer 5

Thats really good but to make it even better, you should change up some words,(i.e normal=average). Maybe add a few more lines, it does't feel like its finished. But its really good, I could never write something like that.

Answer 6

its beautiful but u might want add sumthin 2 finish it but its good

Answer 7

if you did write that poem like you said then it's good. really good. i couldn't have done better myself.

Answer 8

It's a lovely poem...

Answer 9

it seems like your subject is unclear. you want to explain *why* you feel that way because it's unclear to me.

Answer 10

its good

it looks like its not yet done though