I'm in the process of a divorce and have two little boys, ages four and six. He's got a girlfriend, and I HATE that I was replaced so soon after he moved out (ten days after he moved out, she slept over). We have split custody (a 4-day rotation).
I KNOW it's a bad idea for me to get into a relationship at this point. I still care about him and the divorce isn't final yet. I don't need to get attached to anyone right now, and I REALLY dont' think our kids should be getting attached to anyone else right now.
But on my four days off, I pretty much just go to work, come home and do nothing all night. A guy friend asked me out, and I told him I'd think about it. I know I don't need a serious or sexual relationship right now, and it would not be something I would let my kids know about, much less bring around them. Would it be just as bad an idea for me to go out on a date as it would for me to get into an ill-advised relationship at this point?
2007-12-08 04:47:11 · 20 answers · asked by CrazyChick 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Truth: I do agree with you about the kids thing. When I say I wouldn't let them get attached, I mean, I would not go out on a date, or invite someone over, when they are with me. That is my time with them. I'm talking about just going out occasionally on the four night stretches when he has the kids.
2007-12-08 05:09:24 · update #1
Whisperer: Are you a parent? You can't be, because no one who has children and cares even a little about their emotional wellbeing would say that kids take care of themselves, they will form new attachments.
There are a lot of MAJOR changes going on in their lives. I would prefer to let them recover from those before providing them with even more.
As far as the "ill-advised relationships" go, yes, it would be a bad idea to immediately jump into a relationship only because I'm vulnerable and lonely. IF a man asked me on a date right now, and stuck with me until I AM ready, that would be the right guy. But I personally wouldn't have any respect for a man who would encourage a relationship at this point. I would see it as a man taking advantage of my state of mind.
2007-12-08 06:02:27 · update #2
You are human and its not wrong to crave companionship-but be upfront with your dates when necessary --keep those guys away from your children until you meet someone whom you decide may be worth getting serious with.
2007-12-08 05:30:51 · answer #1 · answered by Lunaeclipz 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, like you said, a guy "friend" asked you out. I'm sure he's well aware of the situation between you and your soon-to-be ex husband. If he isn't, then let him know.
You shouldn't sit at home alone all the time. You definitely should go out and try to broaden your horizons and expand your social network. However, that said, I don't think you should actively "date" anyone just yet. It will take some time to heal from the unexpected breakup of your marriage.
Just make some new friends - whether they're male or female. Make new experiences. Share laughter with others. I've never been married, but I do date a lot - and most of the time, I have no intention of being in a relationship. It's fine to go out just to have a good time, I think.
Your husband moving on so fast is unfortunate, and makes me (as an outsider observer) wonder if he didn't have something built with the other woman before he left.
Good luck to you. There are plenty of people out there who you can build excellent relationships with - whether they're platonic or romantic.
It seems to me like you've got a good head on your shoulders, and that you know that dating too soon could be detrimental to a possible relationship. Only you know where your boundaries in regard to another person are, and only you know where to draw that line.
It's going to take some time to heal. When you do begin to actively date for the purpose of a relationship with another man, please be honest with him about the circumstances of your marriage.
2007-12-08 05:04:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why not treat this as a casual outing? You need some fresh air anyway after the divorce. But just hope the guy doesn't put too much hope into this 'date'. Or make it safe by inviting a couple of friends too (tell him first though). This may be a good opportunity for you to evaluate him for future reference (you may not be interested in him now, but nobody knows the future). You can't have your husband replaced so soon, because you still have him in your heart, and you're not ready to have him replaced just yet. Give yourself some time, and when you're ready for a new man, your heart will tell you. Good luck!
2007-12-08 04:58:11 · answer #3 · answered by Hanna 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't assume that going on a date would lead to an ill-advised relationship. Why rule out the possibility that it may lead to a desirable relationship? You are understandablly in a negative frame of mind when you say that you know that it is a bad idea for you to get into a relationship at this point, yet you ask is it bad to go out on dates. It seems you are at least partly willing to see this guy, but have a lingering sense of accountability to a man who is sleeping with some other woman. Kids will take care of themselves. They are young enough to get into new attachments.
2007-12-08 05:33:20 · answer #4 · answered by Whisperer 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
my honest opinion no. The reason is that you are in the process of divorce and need to heal from previous relationship. I read that is not your intention but you know once you start to see other person feeling develop esp if
First I am sorry about your situation but at least you now what is like. My motto -what goes around comes around.
you are going through crisis. ALso don't assume you or your children will not get attached - you might and complicate the situation. Get over one situation first and then focus on another. Your children also don't need any more complications in your life.
This is just my 2 cents
2007-12-08 04:58:35 · answer #5 · answered by ensoman 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
go for it. date around. get an idea of what's out there in the world since you were last dating. i just suggest that before you think about entering into a relationship that you take some time to seriously think of what you want and need from another person. but you have other things to sort out and deal with in life before that happens. so go ahead and have a bit of fun!
2007-12-08 04:57:20 · answer #6 · answered by celticbuddha 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you cant just stay at home. it hurts to be in that situation, but thousands have been there before you and thousands will be after you. who says you have to go out with a guy. take some of your girl friends out and have a good time. this way if you do meet another guy you can make the moves if you want. if you stay at home all you will do is think and be depressed. so have a good time and live. that is what life is about.
2007-12-08 04:55:49 · answer #7 · answered by jammer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you're not ready for any kind of relationship it would be best to tell them up front your intentions...Lay your boundaries out and make it clear what you expect and do not expect to happen... Then see if they want to go for a cup of coffee and just talk...Their reaction will tell whats up....8-)
Also Dr Phil has a great book called "Love Smart" for people who are in the dating arena...
Good Luck
Have fun enjoy and take your time....
2007-12-08 04:59:07 · answer #8 · answered by Dog Rescuer 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, it's not bad at all. Just let this person know that you are just getting out of a divorce and that you don't want to get back into a serious relationship just yet.
It's good to get back out there so soon, but also remember that later you may want another relationship someday.
2007-12-08 04:53:07 · answer #9 · answered by kecr101 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, a date is not a bad thing... and it also doesn't mean it will lead to anything more. A date is just a fun night out on the twon, going to dinner, movies, or whatever you want to do. it's a way to pick up your spirits and a way to also show you that there is life after divorce.
2007-12-08 09:47:51 · answer #10 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are honest with the person you are dating and you are careful (it is easy to slide into something more than dating cause it feels good when you have felt the pain of the divorce) I don't think it is bad.
2007-12-08 04:59:28 · answer #11 · answered by George 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋