my poem????

Question

Can I have a kiss

Hazel eyes of crystal glare, stare blankly at thy night,
unaware of envious stares, or those of jealous plight,
eyes of illumination, light up the night's sky,
value worth more than diamonds, shine brighter than Orion, and Andromeda theigh.

Her touch is softer than a rose, petals red and white,
or that of angels hair, or sheep's of Hera's delight,

Her voice... as gentle as pure light, but stronger than a demon's stare,
brings hope to those who wish to see, those who wish to hear.
A flute of Gabreiel, or drum of Dav, An instrument of true delight,
It guides and binds us near, and keeps from things unliked.

Lips are made from phestus, a creater of many and more,
placed perfect and proportinate, and sweet as an apple's core,
a breath of heavens wind, eleogently floats through those tips,
stay still beside me, I just want a breath or two, between our lips

Answer 1

I love the poem, it is great, and wow you have a wonderful taste in poetry.:) Haha the part I really liked was where it said "Her touch is softer than a rose, petals red and white,
of that of angels hair, or sheep's of Hera's delight." That was purely good, very nice, if you wrote that yourself, big congrats on that girl.:D; write more!!!

Answer 2

It's not as bad as one might think on first glance. There is some very good word choice contained within the poem, but the wordiness/sloppiness of word choice too often detracts from what should flow.

A poem such as this I think of as 'sculptor' poetry, because it sculpts a person from their head to their feet. And like any good sculpture, the cleanliness of the line is everything. You wouldn't do a sculpt of Heidi Klum and just jag the line anywhich way. Also, because this is a seduction poem (flattering the beloved's features in the hopes of a favor) using tired or cliched metaphors makes the beloved seem 'common'. "eyes of illumination, light up the night's sky" comes to mind.

And if the phrase 'stare blankly at thy night' is a command to those 'hazel eyes', then the next line needs to be a bit more obvious that it is a continuation of the previous command.

Hazel eyes of crystal glare, stare blankly at thy night,
be unaware of envious stares or those of jealous plight.

In poetry, sometimes its good to simply let the reader assume what you are trying to say, and sometimes its better to be explicit, especially in a poem where you are 'directing' the action. When directing, don't be vague and don't assume.

Get more creative with your word choices, don't be lazy. Lazy is good for a first draft, to get the thought down quickly, but afterwards, go back and see if there is another way to say what you have already said. There are lots of other ways to describe eyes with their own built in battery: Illuminating eyes, Luminescent eyes, incandescent eyes. There are many ways to 'illuminate' a situation, don't settle for the simplest one. And every time you give a command to a different body part, capitalize the sentence. It not only seperates the command from the previous one, it lets the reader know that something new is happening.

You basically have two different poems contained wtihin this one. You have the poem of the first stanza, which is more of a command thy body poem and you have the second poem, the 'cataloguing the beloved' poem. There is a way to seque from one to the other, asking a rhetorical question for example (Eyes, eyes, incandescent eyes that illuminate the sky/whose value do you see worth more than Andromeda's thigh?) but you can't just 'jag' the poem from one thought to another and hope to persuade the reader of your ancient and amorous desire?

Also, the title needs to be appropriate to the content of the poem? Does the title 'Can I have a kiss' really reflect the feeling "Lips as made by phestus, who made none ever more/perfect and proportionate, sweet unto an apple's core." This isn't a boy in 5th grade asking a 5th grade girl for a kiss, this is a poet standing in the shadow of olympus asking the moon to come down and allow him to drink of her snow-glistened lips. You don't compare her to Greek Mythology and then title it 'Can I have a kiss?' Call it something equally Olympian, evocative, Pygmalion (look up the myth) even.

There's more that needs to be said, but I hope you get the picture.

Answer 3

Simply beautiful.