How do I change myself and become the woman my husband wants me to be? (this is long, but please read)?

Question

He's made it painfully clear that he is never going to change (he's lazy around the house, though he works hard at work, he doesn't talk to me, he tells me to hush all the time when I try to talk to him, he tells me my interests are stupid, talks bad about my family, doesn't play with our one year old son much, never takes us anywhere, never wants to spend time alone, never has sex with me, never hugs/kisses me unless he's leaving for work, gets mad if I call his cell..) BUT, he works, pays the bills, allows me to be a stay at home mom for our son, and doesn't cheat. He comes home straight after work, and doesn't run around. So, my question is.. how can I be the person he wants me to be? I'm opinionated, open minded, believe that men and women are equal, demanding when it comes to our son and what a husband SHOULD do.. BUT all it does is cause us to fight. I can't take it anymore, but divorce isn't an option. My dad left my sister and I when I was three and I've always wondered why.

I've always wondered if it was my fault. Why I wasn't good enough. Why he couldn't love me.. and I don't want my son to have to go through that. I want him to have loving parents and a strong, loving home. I want him to feel safe and happy. My husband says that I just get on his nerves because I'm so talkative and loud. I try not to be, but when you spend all week with a baby and no car (mine is messed up)..you want to talk to an adult as much as you can (He works at night, and sleeps all day, so when he gets up at about 10pm, I try to talk to him, but he just gets so aggravated and mean) Anyway. Is it really even worth trying? I've never known a person like him. I know, I shouldn't have married him..but he wasn't like this when we were dating. He never would have told me to shut my damn mouth then. I know I shouldn't just take it, but my son is worth it. He didn't ask to be here, and he deserves to have a good home.. I really want to make this work. :/ Advice? Please..

BTW we're both 25 and have been married for 2 2 1/2 years..

Crap.. I meant 2 1/2 years..

Answer 1

First of all........you shouldnt have to change yourself to be what or who someone else wants you to be.......you are you and he married you for the way you were right? Why should you or him change when it will only make you even more unhappy? Sounds like you both have stress going on......you at home and him at work. If he is the only one working and paying the bills he can get wore out (I know this first hand) and then you have all the work at home and with a child its not easy. Maybe you both just need a little quiet time for yourselves. Take some time when you both can be free of work and spend some time together.....get a baby sitter for the little one....... and talk about the situation calmly. Be understanding of what each other is dealing with on a dailey basis. May be you could try to set a "date" with your husband and see what happens. I can understand you being opinionated and open minded I'm kinda the same way ......but in my opinion its better to cut to the chase so there is no misunderstanding. Wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Wow! Really how much do you know about what he is doing? and do you really believe deep you your heart that he does have someone☺ a man that young no drive even if it's just for the heck of it.. Wake up smell the coffee.. This man has a hidden agenda he probably feels the same way but about you he probably doesn’t want to dissolve the marriage because of your son, but that will only work for a little while, besides staying home what do you do and if you did leave him or separate could you support yourself? Honey have a plan life is very difficult do it for your son. If you are home educate yourself. Get hobbies don't let him turn you into a glum lot. I hate to say this but there many be more to that picture than you think he sounds like a great guy until you equate yourself into the picture. What kind of marriage is that? I mean as a wife you need to be supported Physically, Mentally, Emotionally. I would have a heart to heart talk to him about how I feel but be ready for what comes next you may just open a can of worms. If you bring in up be ready, don't let him shut you down, because he's too tried or doesn’t what to hear you he needs to he's you HUSBAND for God sake.

Answer 3

I know that being a stay at home mom can be a wonderful thing but not at the cost you are paying. You do not say anything about physical abuse, but from the things you have said it is a possibility that it is happening or will happen as his anger escalates. You can only be the person you are! He isn't willing to change so why are you willing to to? Does he sleep all day and make you and your son tiptoe around the house?
I don't know what the answer is. If you are determined to stay together, you need to talk when he is not grouchy about what you each need to do to make some changes. Join a mom and tots group to meet other moms. Get a part time job so you are out of the house and he is forced to spend a little one on one time with his child. He is supporting you all so his house chores might be held to the big ones such as repairs or car maintanence. And get your car fixed as soon as possible so you have some more freedom to move about!

Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Yes, it is hard when you spend the whole day with a child, you long for adult conversation. If your husband is so selfish and mean he can't even understand that, I feel for you. You can't change into someone else for him. You have to be yourself and that has to be good enough.

One thing you can do is turn the tables on him and use reverse tactics. He is too sure about you. He is taking you for granite, that's why he feels safe enough to tell you to shut your damn mouth. Here's how you turn the tables on him and if you are strong and hold out you will be amazed how well it works.

Don't be mean, become distant and unconcerned when it comes to him. Don't call after him, don't look for him. When he comes home hardly even notice. Find something else to do. Because right now he knows he owns you and has you under his thumb. He uses your insecurities against you. You have insecurities that's why you put up with him treating you so badly. You have to put some mystery into the mix and make him wonder what's going on with you, why you are not insecure anymore and why you aren't demanding anything from him.

As for your dad leaving your family, you had nothing to do with that. You are not the cause of his failure as a father. That belongs to him and his bad decisions. It was his selfish self centeredness that made him go. You had no control over that and you are not to blame.

I also suggest you read the book 'Co-dependant No more'. It is a source of knowledge about people and why they do things. Knowledge is a good weapon. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you. There is a wealth of info about it on the internet, just put in the search bar abusive spouses and check out the different sites.

Answer 5

first your question states u never have sex, in fact u say "never has sex with me", so can we all assume ur son is not his despite you saying "doesn't play with our 1yr old son much"? so obviously u have sex as no child i have ever heard of besides the baby Jesus was immaculately concepted.
this leads me 2 question how much of the rest of your complaints are true factual or your perception of factual.

that being said, why do u wanna change who you are to conform 2 what someone wants you to be...do u honestly believe you could do that and be any happier than u r now?
do u honestly know that if u do change it will make any difference?

divorce is always an option. what happened 2 your family is not what happens 2 everyone.
everyone deserves the right 2 b happy, period. that being said if your husband isn't interrested in going 2 counciling so both of you can make minor changes 2 help your relationship rather than you making all changes with no written or oral guarantee that if you do conform 2 what he wants that he'll still want you anyway; then i suggest a temporary separation so u both can have some time 2 think about what u each want out of this relationship.

good luck and GOD bless.

Answer 6

It sounds like he has the attitude that now that he is married, he doesn't need to do anything to keep the relationship alive and healthy. It's not good to settle for this kind of behavior. Even if he's working and paying the bills, you are unhappy, and that should be his first priority. You might look into getting some marriage counseling, where at least he would have to evaluate his role in the relationship. If divorce does become an option, you can still make sure that your children know that it's not their fault and that you both still love them.

Answer 7

Firstly you didn't grow up with a Dad so have no idea of what a healthy marriage looks like. You are going to have to get help from somewhere as you will run yourself into the ground otherwise. Is there no chance of you getting out during the day and seeing friends etc. How about joining a moms and tots group somewhere. Just get out of the house - tell him that you have got to have a car or you will go stir crazy. Sounds like he is very hard working and probably too exhausted for sex - as I've said you can't go on like this.

Answer 8

Um, are you a complete idiot!!!!!! Please what are you doing. Just because you are married and have a child doesn't mean you have to stay with that loser. I don't care if he works and pays all the bills. There is too much to live for to be tied down and miserable to someone that doesn't give you respect and love. Do you want to live the rest of you life this way? Do you want your son to be raised with parents that have a loveless marriage and then grow up to treat his wife the same way? There are too many wonderful, hot guys out there to settle for someone that's no good. Maybe you think you love him but you probably really don't, just like he probably doesn't really love you.

Answer 9

First off you don't need to change to keep a men like that.....Here is a Question for you to really think about, do you want you son to grow up and talk to his girlfriends or future wife that way? Children learn from what they see...Do you think it's healthy for your son to see his Mother being treated that way? Do you think it's health for you to be stuck at home all alone. You and your son need to get out enjoy what life has to offer....Your son needs two loving parents not just one.......Just because your Father left you and your sister doesn't mean you need to be treated this way. .......................My first marrage was a wash out and me and my son moved on. I met a wonderful men and shortly later got married that was 15 years ago and my son grew up with a wonderful men who treated like a father should have. He worked 40 or more hours a week but always had time to listen to me and my son......Now he has been my strenght as I have gone back to school to become a nurse I always dreamed to be. He encourage me, supported my ideas and even helped make a few come true......So think about you and your son and what is best.

Answer 10

Many thanks and i real adnire you to be that tolerant wife,i respect ur word about ur son and ur hope to succeed ur family.
i ll not begin by complainng or talking about him but there are steps
1) you must talk with him frankly and openlyabout what he is missing in u ,sometimes very very small things upset any spouse,may be some overweigt ,feeling of neglection after arrival of kids,even if he asked for changing ur hair ,color but remember,loud sound is the greatest in things annoing men,unfotunately sometimes some men cant find things bad in their wives but getting sick or boared then they show these symptoms but what ever he complained about obey


2)he is no doubt exhausted but needs help from a doctor,sex is not the only important thing in an exhausted man's life but this mean a great helth or psych disturbance with him, i dont want to say a great hateness to u cz nothing prevent any man from going away forever ,but he still wants u and his life ,he is that lazy means he is that depressed ,when someone even lazy to talk about what he likes or dislikes it means he is so depressed look about this, he needs help,may be physical help,there are something wrong sure u do not know about him
3)try to go away for some time he missed u? or ur son?
4)ask his family about his chilhood ,did he have any deep deppressed cases before?
there must be answers of all these questions normal persons get sick of long depression and tasteless life or being without company.
5)SUDDEN GREAT CHANGES sometimes attract attension,
stop reacting by any way for some days as if he is not at home if he bahaved normally as if there is nothing changed ,ur husband needs a real help.thank u again for being that tolerant,what about religion or belief try this side it helps,good luck