How does one present a problem without complaining or sounding like complaining?

Question

corgiesrule said I should avoid using the word "you" and instead use the word "I"?

Her example was, "I feel that you don't listen to me when i tell you about my day."

I don't understand how this is an "I" statement because in the middle of it is "you don't listen to me," which is an accusation. You just used the word "you" here, which I think is what triggers people to get on the defensive.

Answer 1

It is because it is not an attacking statement.
Attack: You don't listen to me when I tell you about my day.
Statement: I feel that you don't listen to me when I tell you about my day.
Another way you can try this is saying something like, Are you busy? When he says no say, Can I tell you something? Then tell him quickly before he loses interest.
If after telling him you feel that he doesn't listen to you and he asks or says yes I do you can then point out I feel that way because you are watching tv when I tell you. Or you can try to ask him when would be a good time to tell him about your day? You can say honey, I noticed that you need to unwind after a long day at work and I noticed that I really need to talk to you about the same time you come home, can I make a time to talk to you? You might have to bite your tongue because you might be thinking you selfish jerk I have been waiting all day to tell you something and this is all you do..... but if you take the emotion out of it then he is more likely to come up with a plan. Men like to do that anyway. Hopefully if you can come to an agreement then both of you will keep it and it will work out better for both of you

Answer 2

What always works for me is this - Start out by saying, I need to talk with you about a situation and how I am feeling about it and I need your input. This way the person is not on the defensive but is part of the solution.

Answer 3

Obviously it depends on the problem. Most any problem can be brought forward as an I message. For example, I feel that you don't listen to me when i tell you about my day. I feel that the events of my day are not important to you. When you spend all weekend with your friends, I feel that I am not important to you. Just state how the person's actions make you feel. That way you are not accusing them of anything, just stating how you feel. This way they won't feel attacked.

Answer 4

i suggest that you tell it in a form of a question "what would you do" but when you're asking if how to present or tell a problem to a person in the same relationship, then its better to see first if the person is ready to hear what you're going to tell him/her.. if he's/she's tired, has eaten, slept well, how's his/her work went through the day, or if he/she has sensitivity issue regarding the problem to present, these all take in the factors on how he/she'd take it.

for us girls usually, men dont like whining or getting emotional about problems.

hope this helps. goodluck!

Answer 5

Presenting a problem is not complaining. You have the right to speak your feelings.

Answer 6

Lay out the facts. Unbiased facts always speak for themselves and they always speak the truth.

Answer 7

Start out by saying " I have a problem, do you think you could help me out with it?"

Answer 8

no matter what you do if you say something they will still say you are complaining you cant win.