Do you like this poem?

Question

Swallows in the wind
Soar into green Spring;
Summer's hot ascent
Breathes beneath your wings.
Winter waits in stones
Unseen beneath the earth
To capture you in storm
And lay you on God's hearth.

Answer 1

It's so cool! I like it. I feel like I'm in a forest and I see all splendid things and surroundings. When I read the poem, it's like I can actually see, hear, smell and touch them! Keep it up.

Answer 2

It's a bit convoluted. What I mean is that it flows almost haphazzardly from one thought to another. In a short poem, jumping from one thought to another is like looking at a frog on amphetamines and a double shot of caffeine trying to find a lily pad he likes. It's interesting, but it makes you dizzy after awhile.

What is it that you want to say? Understanding what it is you want to say should be paramount to a poet. That is because every line follows that basic question, every word and word choice bending to that desire. It's kinda like music, in that each note, ideally, should flow logically and beautifully from one to another. In poetry, the idea is the mood, the notes are the words.

Another thing: don't be lazy writing poems. Lazy poems use easy metaphors to say what could be said better with something else. Spring is already understood to be a time of things new and 'green', so why use an adjective already associated with it? It would be better to say "Swallows in the wind/Soar on, into spring." not only does it make the swallows continue the cyclical metaphor of the seasons which you are using, but it makes them the opening act, using them to pull the notion of spring (and the poem as a whole) forward.

The alliteration of 'breathes beneath' makes the line seem heavy, when heavy is the exact opposite of the feeling you are trying to inspire. Like the swallow, the ascent of summer should be airy and uplifting, since that is what will contrast with the lines that follow.

And since you are making a contrast, make a line break between the two sections. Not only does it make the contrast between the two more apparent, the poem takes on a figurative pose: the top half being the spring and summer ascension, the bottom half being the inevitable crash of winter. The physical look of the poem can also reinforce the feeling you are trying to create.

The poem overall is a bit heavy (where it shouldn't) and vague (where it should be direct) but I really like the last line, since it provides the correct amount of 'punch' that begins with line 5.

Answer 3

Interesting.

Answer 4

I love the line " And lay you on God's hearth "

Answer 5

Lol. The proud atheist didn't like it. Sorry, that struck me funny.

To answer you, yes, I like it. I love 4 line stanza format. It is usually what I use also. Reading it made me feel good. I write depressing, psycho or humorous poetry but on the off-times I choose to read it, I prefer pieces that are more upbeat.

Answer 6

It's great!
Most people wouldn't understand something like that, because it's so deep, but i'm a writer too. You've got to look beyond just the words in front of you and beyond the mental picture in your head.
It's a beyond thing.
Duh.
lolz
xoxo-
Ellie

Answer 7

whatever tangled lines
our minds lead,
there's comfort in knowing
security awaits,just for the taking.
D.

Answer 8

That was awesome, i hope you have more.
Please dont listen to the negative comments.
cause im a fan, I loved it. and its hard to get me to read poems. They have to be really intresting for me to focus on them. I cant imagine who cant like this poem. it beautiful to me.

Answer 9

short....i dont like short poems, but this one wasnt dull or dead, it was good, like an appetizer to want to read more of your writing, oh listen to me, flattering a stranger over the internet, conformity. keep writing

Answer 10

that is really deep, I see that you put a lot of what you are feeling into the poem. I love it!!