Can men change??

Question

Okay please serious answers only...I am too exhausted and have nobody else to ask. My husband of 7 years (I'm 21 now and he's 33) was physically abusive. I left him 2 months ago and have recently been in contact via the telephone. He promises that he's going to change and that he's serious about it.

I left him 2 years ago, and when I came back things got worse - he ended up breaking my neck. But he always refused to get help. This time he says he will go to therapy if I want - that he'll do anything for me. I just want to know people's opinions on whether people can actually change if they try?

Thanks in advance, Traci

Should probably add that I have no friends or family...my friends are 'our' friends and I haven't seen family in years.

Answer 1

People can change but something like this takes real intervention and a lot of self control on his part and it does not sound like he has too much of it.
You got married when you were 14? That is very very young. It seems as if he is taking advantage of your inexperience.
Try to think of it this way. When a lion is hungry it goes after the sick and weak. It will continually go after the same animal until it has killed it or it ran away. It is the same with this type of behavior your husband is showing. He was angry and beat you. You ran away it stopped and when you came back to your territory it started again only worse. You left again it has stopped but the lion (your husband) is hungry again and looking for the weakest prey (you).
Lions can learn to eat vegetables.
If your husband says he will go to therapy let him go. Tell him that's great please go before I come back home. If he loves you and respects you he will do it. If he does not then he will argue with you and tell you you have to come home before he will go. That is a big clue that he is not serious and is only wanting what he wants. Don't be the victim any longer. You do not have to be. He must earn your trust which he has taken away. If he broke your neck he is willing to kill you. Now he is sorry, now he is not angry, now he is scared he will not be able to find someone he can control. No one can control you. You deserve respect. What he is doing is not respect. A husband does not need to beat his wife. A wife is part of him he does not beat himself does he? Then since you are part of him he should not do it to you. Let him go to therapy and prove to you he has changed. It might take a while and by a while I mean a good long time. Longer than 2 months. Do not go back just because he is being nice. A big clue is when he says if you hadn't done this I would not have hit you. That shows he has not changed. Period.
Take care of yourself you deserve it. You have done NOTHING to deserve what he is doing to you. NOTHING. and HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!!!! Remember that. You are a good person. We all make mistakes but we do not deserve to be beaten or killed for them. Also I suggest you go to a womens shelter or something like that and get free abuse counseling for yourself and let them help you to learn that you are better than what he says and what you believe. Please!!

Answer 2

Abusive men always promise that they won't do it any more ... and/or they will get help. But they don't do either.

If he broke your neck .. and you have left him before .. and he didn't get better - but got worse ... then he will probably never change.

Next time, his abuse could do worse things to you.

It is not impossible for a person to change .. but it is definely improbable.

If I were you .. I would be worried & scared to take him back. I don't think I would ever even talk to him again. He has hurt you .. and will most likely do it again.

Just think about it .. could you ever live with him without constant fear of him hurting you .. with every word you say .. or every action which you do .. would set him off ?

Rignt now, he will say anything to get you back. He would probably do lots of things to get you back .. but it probably would not last. Any man who would break a woman's neck .. has got major problems within himself.

Beware. You could be in danger of even talking to him .. or encouraging him.

This is a decision only you can make .. but ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life?

Abusing, is in him.

Answer 3

stay away Traci, let me tell you people do what they can get away with. I go by this if he did it once he will do it twice. tell me if he has done it twice do you honestly think that he won't do it a third time. they next time you might not be able to leave ( do you get me). I know it will be hard but please don't go back. I know you don't know me but I am begging you stay away. Just like you meet him you will meet some one else. This guy is "too much in love" he obviously can't handle his emotions or he wouldn't hit you. You are young you can get new friends and make a new family or start building back up the old one. don't go back move forward. some people have to live with there mistakes and some don't. look up Stacy Peterson. Good luck and God bless

Answer 4

i have done the math here and have been young and in an abusive marriage, too.
you were 14 when you got with him, he was 26. you were extremely young to be with a man this old. i was 16, not much older, when i got into my own abusive relationship.
i left, he swore things would get better, i believed him and went back. he wound up abusing my 2 year old son.
i would NOT have gone back, had i known, had i really stepped back and looked at the situation.
he broke your neck! open your eyes, girl!
you should not EVER consider going back to him. he COULD change, but, why would you want to risk it?why would he want to go to therapy for you? why would he not want to go for himself? would he be willing to take the tme to get all the therapy, go seek some kind of anger management, romance you all over again, wait and prove himself trustworthy? i doubt it. most of these abusers only say this, maybe begin the therapy and then stop going because us women take them back right away, because they are making some kind of effort.
don't do it...if you are considering it, then give him another year or two...see if he really means what he says that he would do ANYTHING...anything should include time.
but, in all reality, he has attempted murder! my God, girl, he broke your neck! you left FOR A REASON...STAY GONE!

Answer 5

If he is serious about changing, then he should of already began taking the move to seek help in order for him to change. If he hasn't then you will know he's not serious about changing. In other words he should of begun therapy well before he phoned you. Be careful here as I don't think he means it at all. You should also never try to go back to what was, because it never works out. Always move forward in life.

Answer 6

get ahod of your family, most of the time if he hit you once he'll do it again,they say they'll get help and they might for a while but it doesn't usually last. i lived with a father that hit my mother for really no reason at all, and it didn't stop until we had all moved out and the divorce papers were finalized. He's already broken your neck are you willing to take the chance of him doing something more serrious, such as kill you? i personally wouldn't take the chance, i'd never go back and i'd get a restraining order to ensure my own personal safety

Answer 7

well yes people do change but his past history with you does not sound promising before i would go back i would make sure he is getting the therapy he needs . you must take your safety first so let him do therapy and when he has successfully completed it then go back if it feels right but not until you are 100% sure that he has changed! Remember your safety must come first you have a long hard road ahead of you good luck

Answer 8

Since you were very young when you got married, this is probably the only real relationship that you know of. FYI there are many men out there who will treat you with love and respect and will not physically or mentally abuse you. Go find one of these guys and get rid of the abuser.

Answer 9

Traci if he broke your neck he has a major problem.

I had friends, he abused her, broke her nose, ribs and blacked her eyes, over a long period of time. She finally left him. He said he would change. She made the big mistake of telling him where she was. He went there and shot her in the face with a 357 magnum and then shot himself in the chest. They were mine and my husband's best friends. They have been dead since 1978. Their children grew up with out them. I imagine they have grandchildren now, that they will never see. I wouldn't trust him, if it were me. You don't need someone to abuse you in any form, you are too precious for that.

You need counseling yourself, so you won't fall in with an abuser again. Your self esteem has been damaged, you need to learn how to repair it. You need to learn how not to be abused by anyone.

Answer 10

No WAYYYYYY... do not get back together with him..unless u wanta die!!! I mean a man who can break ur neck....do u think he's gonna spare u this time. He probably missing u and doesn't have anything to hit right now...so he wants to get u back. Please be smart....u are away from this dirt stay outta it now. Esepcially if u have no support system u can go to. Men like him prey on girls like u who have no family or friends. Just stay away from him unless u wanta end up dead!