Why *doesn't* it matter who's fault it is? How do you fix it if you can't identify the root of the problem?

Question

To me, saying it doesn't matter who's fault it is is like saying the kitchen floor is wet, but it doesn't matter if it's the pipes to the sink or the dishwasher. This is just an analogy for relationships. Don't give me responses about home repair, please!

Don't we have to identify the source of the problem before it can be fixed? Yes, the damage is done. The wooden floor is damaged. But are you just going to leave it alone? No! The problem will get worse and someone might get hurt anyway! Aren't you going to fix the pipes first, then clean up the mess?

I'm not trying to place blame on someone. Well, not exactly. But I have to identify who's fault it is (in my own head), before I can request the other person to make a change of any kind. That is, if in my own head it turns out to be "my fault" then I wouldn't request anything of anyone else but myself, would I? I still have to identify the root of the problem though.

If the sink was a human, I would say, "Sink. You're leaking. Will you please check your pipes for me? Thanks." If the problem could have been that I failed to realize I had spilled water while washing dishes, I might say, "Sink. At first I thought you were leaking, but I remembered that I washed dishes last night and I might have spilled water while washing dishes. I might be wrong though. Will you check your pipes just to be safe? Thanks."

So, the problem here is where I said, "Sink. You're leaking." Instead, I should have just said, "Sink. There's water all over the floor. I don't know how it got there. I'm going to clean it up right now, but will you tighten your pipes in case they had anything to do with it?"

Answer 1

I understand your frustration completely! My husband and I dealt with the very same issue for years! We didn't get past it until we both decided to honestly take what the other person said seriously! Meaning, if you ask your pipes to check themselves "just in case", your pipes should have enough care and respect for you to say, "ok, let me check" instead of "I'm sure they're fine"!

Answer 2

You can identify the problem, without laying blame.

When a person approaches another person with a problem .. and uses the word "YOU" .. as in everything wrong is 'you' .. then the conversation is usually lost at the first 'you'.

Sometimes .. that sink leaks water because the person who was supposed to fix the sink did not fix it ... and .. the sink cannot fix itself without that person repairing it. This was as in your example.

If the problem is that someone is cheating .. then the 2 people recognize that someone is cheating - and what they must do about it .. to either stay together & work it out ... or get a divorce. Even though one cheated - it will solve nothing to lay the blame on them. A bell cannot be unrung .. but the future can be lived.

Or .. if one person has a sexual problem .. the other person should not point the finger of blame at them .. but they should instead try to get help for the problem .. and work the problem out. Blaming them, would not solve a single thing.

Discovering what the problem is .. works. A person can strive to fix the problem. But if a person just lays blame on another person for what has happened in the past - then nothing gets accomplished .. with the exception of possible arguements.

Just know what the problem is .. and go forward with solutions for each person.

Answer 3

The answer to the question in almost 99.99999999999999999999999999999999% of relationship issues that are causing a break in a relationship is that it is BOTH your damn faults. The reason why you don't focus on laying blame is that you are trying to figure out who is "losing" so they can "pay more" to make the relationship "work".

The problem is the relationship will never work that way. You have to go in with an equal intention to make things right now, not to pay off debt of who "owes more" from the past.

Answer 4

If your plumbing is leaking and wrecking the floors you don't sit around and whine about it and blame the plumbing. You call a plumber and let him find the leak.
So if you are having problems you need to see a counselor who is neutral and can provide sounds solutions, because reading between the lines, it sounds as if you definitely don't want to be the one with the leaky pipies.

Answer 5

Sometimes I think all that stuff is crap. Yes, this one was wrong, and this one is right, but the thing is to determine in your heart to do whatever it takes to move on. I have friends who have been in "therapy" for 25 years. All they do is hash over the past and try to figure out what went wrong. It never ends. Just move on, look to the future and work toward what you want in your life. Sometimes you have to let go of what's holding you back. Good luck, move ahead!!

Answer 6

Best to forgive yourself or the offending person and move on. You know who's fault it is if you are involved. Just be honest with yourself.

Answer 7

the two deffently. regardless of the way plenty magic is in it, it easily relies upon on hom plenty which you will attain with that magic. And in case you dont have any magic the dimensions doesnt subject count the two.

Answer 8

I agree. This spineless liberal hippie crap of "no one's at fault" is garbage.

SOMEONE is at fault. Perhaps BOTH sides are at fault about different things, but whoever is at fault (whether it is one person or both) has to admit it and WANT to rectify the situation.

until that happens, sitting around holding hands and singing KUM_BAY_YAH won't fix the root of the problem.

However, be careful what you wish for.....there is a chance that YOU are the one at fault !!!

Answer 9

Good luck and cool analogy