Im a basketball coach and work with kids for my job. Its very family oriented work. She never attends anything, no games, no events at work....even though its been expressed its important to me.
She does little around the house...i do almost everything. I mention i need help around the house....very little gets done.
We get along...but at what point is enough enough? I cant do everything.....i work about 60 hours a week at least, i take care of her, and treat her well. Just feel like im not getting help.
Ive talked with her time and time again about these things calmly and nicely...and i get no results. When do i give up?
2007-12-07 15:31:37 · 15 answers · asked by Matt C 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Those are the real issues. Im exhausted. She has depression....sleeps a lot. Just feel like anything i ask for (which are common things in a marriage) are not taken seriously.
We've gotten her meds...they dont work. And even if they did...it still doesnt fix that she doesnt respect the help im asking for.
Thats what im struggling with. We get along....but at what point do i throw my hands up and say thats it....you dont care about me or my concerns?
2007-12-07 15:39:05 · update #1
Shes not athletic, never works out and yes i would say she is lazy. And thats fine...she is a good person...and im ok if she doesnt go to everything i do. But...she goes to none...and that i do have a problem with. And the house looks like crap unless i do it. And im far from a neat freak.
2007-12-07 15:41:52 · update #2
I think you give up about the time you post this question
2007-12-07 15:35:27 · answer #1 · answered by sara123 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to leave when you can do so with your head held high and the knowledge you have done everything you can to make a situation better...
In my opinion, you haven't done everything you can until you at least TRY counseling, either together or just by yourself. People can get so trapped in their everyday patterns that sometimes it really does take an outsider to say "Hold up! This is not working. This MUST change."
Give up when you feel you must, but to do with your own integrity intacted, get some guidance first from someone experienced in dealing with these issues: a counselor, a doctor, even a faith leader if you would prefer.
If nothing else, this step will tell you if you wife is willing to work on the relationship and just not getting it, or if she is refusing to 'get it'. If she is refusing to even discuss change and outside help, then that is a good sign it's time to walk away...
2007-12-07 15:46:28 · answer #2 · answered by chasingraspberries 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should never give up. But you know when enough is enough and if you feel as though you have exhausted all of your resources then I would start with separation if you can afford it. However I didn't see anywhere that you and your wife have tried marriage counseling, also she needs some serious individual counseling for her depression. Meds are fine but she has become complacent with that and you have allowed her to. I am certain that you are not trying to put too much pressure on her due to her current condition but don't give up on her. Just take it one step at a time and then after a few months if no improvement at all you have to consider yourself and your livliehood(you spend alot of time with children and that's what you desire). Also take one day at a time and please know that I commend you for being such a supporting spouse. Continued success
2007-12-07 15:48:56 · answer #3 · answered by mickey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have her Meds changed... If she is really depressed and it's been like this and her meds aren't doing anything, she needs new ones. I am really against Effexor, I took it and it had the WORST withdraw symptoms.. However, if she is needing something for life, this is it... If her Dr. refuses to change her meds, find a new one... Seriously, a medicated person shouldn't still be sleeping and un motivated like this whether they are lazy or not.
2007-12-07 16:01:09 · answer #4 · answered by Can't stand this 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, it is already over. The fact you are even questioning it means, you should be done and moving on. This woman has lost all respect for you and your marriage. Your story is all too familiar.
Realize you can not change people. People have to want to change and you should not have to put your life on hold. It is time to man up and start living your own life.
If you weren't married, you could've already moved on the first sign of unhappiness. Realize that times have changed since your grandparents were married. The institution of marriage has erroded in recent times. Wake up from the fairy tale and simply focus on your own health, focus on your own wealth, and focus on what makes you happy. Marriage is no longer necessary anymore:
-Having a lifelong, faithful, committed relationship has nothing to do with being "married".
-Owning a beautiful dream home together has nothing to do with being "married".
-Rearing healthy, happy, and successful children has nothing to do with being "married".
-Building a family and life together has nothing to do with being "married".
-Growing old together has nothing to do with being "married".
So, what is the benefit for men to get married? There isn't one. There's nothing I can get being married that I can not already get being unmarried. Every 2 days you are married, you will owe 1 day in alimony unless you've been together longer than 10 years--in that case, you owe her for life or until she re-marries. Don't waste time. There's millions of vaginas out there. Trust me, your wife's is nothing special.
Take your balls out of her purse and do what it takes to make yourself happy. You are a prisoner. She has you hostage. Get yourself a lawyer immediately. Btw, none of this has to be hostile. Be nice and honest. Make it clear you are ready to take control of your life and hope she does the same. You can still be friends afterwards. I guarantee you after you dump her on her ***, she'll be hitting the gym once again.
2007-12-07 16:05:07 · answer #5 · answered by TheTotalStud_StudTotal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does she give you a reason why she's not there for you???
How long I've you been married???
About your work, maybe she's just not into basketball...
But about everything else, I just don't know...
Does she work alot? Or is she just very lazy?
Those are things you should've known before getting hitched...
I'm guessing counseling would be a good thing right about now before it's too late...
Good luck!
2007-12-07 15:38:10 · answer #6 · answered by jcarriere007 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this isnt about cleaning the house or not going to your games. there are underlying issues that need to be discussed, either through open communication, or through therapy. sometimes all you need to start a dialog is a mediator to guide you through the conversation.
you know you're done with a marriage when there is no anger, no resentment. when you can look at the person, and with no real emotion, just say, "we did what we can, but it isn't going to work." i dont think you're there. i think you're just frustrated, and from what it sounds like, so is she. she is obviously resentful or frustrating just by her behavior.
2007-12-07 15:38:06 · answer #7 · answered by Tonya 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You simply give her a choice and a time line. Tell her she has, say, one month to change and start helping you out or she can hit the bricks. That usually wakes them up. Good luck.
2007-12-07 15:36:10 · answer #8 · answered by Kathy R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Matt!
Stop ignoring the real issues in your marriage and deal with them.
After you have exhausted that route, then maybe it is time to think about divorce.
Good luck.
2007-12-07 15:34:48 · answer #9 · answered by box of rain 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say that you give uo on it about the time you have to go to yahoo answers to find out when to give up
2007-12-07 15:54:26 · answer #10 · answered by Doc Phil 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋