Should I allow my daughter to play on my guilt?

Question

I am a recovering alcoholic. I lost custody of my 13 year old daughter to her father when she was 3, but have had visitations since. I got sober a year ago and am doing much better, but I am a single mom to a 10 year old also, and don't have very much money. My ex husband does not ask for child support so I don't pay it. My issue is this. My daughter wants a christmas present that cost 150.00 dollars. I can get this for her but then I will be behind. She gets mad if I tell her I might have to get her something less expensive. Every night when we talk on the phone she says "Mom, are you gonna be able to get me what I want or not?" I'm not sure what to do. Should I get it for her and suffer, or get her something less expensive and deal with her anger. Help!!!

Answer 1

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I understand the mother guilt all too well. I was nearly crippled by it when I was newly sober (I have 9+years now). I felt so badly about the kind of mom I'd been when I was drinking that I let my kids get away with murder. It took time for me to realize that this did not make them better or healthier people, all it did was calm my guilt for a couple of weeks, until they laid the next guilt trip on me. So my suggestion to you, understanding where you are coming from, is not to give your daughter a present you can't afford. Give her what you can afford, and if she acts like a brat about it, just say you love her, you're sorry she feels that way, and then try to let it go. Tough, I know, but trust me, this is what you need to do. And this will all get easier the longer you are sober. Good luck and contrats on your year of sobriety.

Answer 2

Congratulations and a big Atta Girl! for your sobriety.

You have made mistakes in the past but you are making good decisions now. The best decision for you and both your children is for you to be financially responsible. If a $150.00 gift is more than you can comfortably afford then it is irresponsible for you to buy it. It will not make up for any of your 13 year old daughter's anger, and it will hurt you. Many 13 year olds are angry anyway. I was.

Be the best parent you can be every day. Tell her in a firm (non emotional way) that while you love her and wish you were in a position to give her that gift that you are not able to do so at this time. Tell her that you love her and if/when your situation changes that you will do more for her. Don't allow her temper tantrum or guilt to make you feel bad about the situation. You are the parent and she is the raging teen who probably has some issues to deal with along with her hormones. Again, you will not win her forgiveness with an expensive present. Teens are difficult and this sort of relationship will take patience and work from you.

I believe in you. You can do it.

Answer 3

Wow, I know this is difficult for you but can you stop and pull this apart a little? The issue is not about the coat. She's not living with you and another child is. As a child, I doubt very seriously if she understands the why's and all that went into that decision. Even if she knows it intellectually, it may be a "hurt" for her.

I don't believe in putting yourself in debt over Christmas. I did that for many years and believe me, it did not solve any problems. Have you considered counseling with your little girl?

There are some anger issues there and you may need the help of a third party to sort them out. It doesn't have to be expensive. Churches, social services, there are many different sources for counseling. Just find one you can talk to and who understands your issues.

By the way, congratulations on your sobriety. That is huge.

You know, you might also want to take a step back from the whole Christmas thing, anyway. Why not ask her for a list of things she wants and you will choose one. Or you could ask your ex about going in half-half with you if you feel you really need to get the coat.

In any event, don't let this take the joy out of Christmas and out of your sobriety.

Answer 4

i know you probably feel bad about not living with her or you konw something like that... but she is only 13 nad i am only 14 but i have come a long way since 13. im way more responsible and intelligent. I know you probably want to get her that present more than anything and that you would buy her everything she wants if you could but no one is that rich, if this expensive present puts you behind then it will be hard to catch back up.... talk to her like an adult and say that you may not be able to get it for her because it will put you behind and explain the situation... and if you want to tell her that you will get it for her but it might not be on christmas, tell her that it will have to be a little late because you have to find the money to get it. but if that would make you feel better start saving some money to get her that gift... but just try to make her understand... and i also get her position because i get very angry at my mother over very small things that shouldnt even anger me but it does and i feel terrible about me doing this but i sometimes cant hold it in... i want to thank you for making me relize how much my anger hurt my mom... hope i helped... happy holidays, God bless

Answer 5

You don't have to deal with her anger, she does. I would tell her that I would love to get her the expensive gift but cannot afford it now. Would she like the money you can afford to be given to her toward the item? If not, give her your affordable budget amount and ask her to pick something in that price range. If she won't - since 13 year old girls can be rather selfish and stubborn!- then choose something you want her to have and go with it.
You are doing the best you can, have made great strides in your recovery and need to stay on budget so you don't stress yourself out. She most likely does not understand this or chooses not to because of her own hurt feelings over your drinking. I hope she is in ala-teen so she has other kids to talk with in her same situation.
Bravo to you, hang in there and just keep talking to her. You do not have to take her abuse, however.

Answer 6

No, don't let her do this to you, sweetie! She doesn't know that you very much want to buy her this gift, and you should tell her that. You want to be responsible and a good mother, so do not buy the present, and take care of your home and family, which it seems like you are doing. Do not suffer because your daughter doesn't understand that is is hard to pull things together. You also have a son, so if you bought that gift for your daughter, you would go even more in debt to have to buy something for your son. Talk to her, and her father. Merry Christmas.

Answer 7

I say give her your time not money or things, outside of what your legal responsibilities are. Please get this (because as a teenager your daughter won't) you can not buy love. It is that simple. She is playing you for your past and the way to make her stop is to give her your time and get her to know you. Yes the first few times will not be easy on both of you and she will drill you till your face is blue but facing up to her anger now will make her respect you more later on in life. I am not in your shoes so I do not know everything you have been through but without question you can not fall back to your past ways if you want to maintain a respectful loving relationship with your daughter now, because if you do fall back, I can guarantee she will throw that in your face just about forever. So now is the time to fix what is broken. You must be strong and take the bull by the horns. Look at it this way, if you believe in a maker then your maker (God) would not make it any easier on you. Good luck and God bless. shellback

Answer 8

Apparently you are not sure about your role as a mother.
Your 13 daughter sounds like a spoiled brat. She also knows how to push your buttons. If she wants a $150 gift, she can start by babysitting or doing chores and saving her money. Then she would have something that she worked for herself and can be proud of.

I would not let myself be pushed by such a young girl. You have enough on your plate by staying sober and taking care of your son. You need your money for household expensenses, and that is that.

Answer 9

I would save up as much as I could, put it into a Xmas card and tell her that it is a down-payment for what she wants and you will give her the rest of whatever it costs in instalments until she has the total amount for whatever it is that she wants. Let her know that is the best you could do, and if she doesn't understand or appreciate your predicament, then there is nothing more you can do. Don't get yourself into debt for a demanding child, especially if you have no way of getting out of that debt.

Answer 10

I think you should be the adult in this situation and tell her no. Even though you may not have been the most responsible parent in the past, you are now and should act like one (not that I'm trying to chastise you or anything!).

$15,000 is WAY too much for a gift for a 13-year-old in my opinion. You should tell her that you can get her something else she wants because you can't afford want she wants at the moment. Seeing that you can buy a $15,000 gift, maybe buy her something she'd like at a better price. Ask her what else she may want for Chirstmas.

If she does become angry, don't give into it. This shows that she has the upper hand and can demand, not ask, want she wants, which turns her into a brat. Now, your daughter is probably an intelligent, well-mannered girl but she shouldn't throw a hissy fit because she can't get her way. Good luck!