Portrait
Such a lovely presence, soft to the touch,
scent of a flower, Acaena and Pyrus.
A beautiful sight those are to behold, but unequaled to your beauty, for that we know.
A tower of angels do you command, creatures of light,
Unmatched when you stand.
Their preying eyes are full of deceit, jealous being, One day they'll drown through God's feat.
A ruby Cardinal flies, stalking your steps,
it tries to learn, see what's so perfect,
For heavenly creature is what you are, accidentally dropped from that white star.
A smile is worth all a Kings gold, a flawless Jewel it is to behold,
it shines and inspires upwards bright, demolishes darkness with a sight.
Bestow goodness to out hearts, your a perfect creature from a world of art.
2007-12-07 11:04:12 · 16 answers · asked by SilverFantasy 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Your rhyme scheme is a little confusing and syllables are off in some places, but it's lovely and the imagery is really nice.
2007-12-07 11:08:00 · answer #1 · answered by Without a Doubt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I read the first two lines I was really drawn in, the subtle rhyme works very. Following that, I think it falls into too familiar a rhythm and rhyme scheme to keep the reader interested; simple rhymes (command-stand, are-star) seem a bit contrived and words like "behold" and "bestow" are slightly grating but there are some nice ideas and images. Keep going!
2007-12-07 20:44:58 · answer #2 · answered by alexandre 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the concept is brilliant. but, the last word of every single sentance doesn't have to rhyme. & make the rhytme flow a little better. other than that i really do like it. i give it an 8. but if you go back & edit a little, i think it would be amazing. :]
2007-12-07 20:27:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You started out SO good...the first two lines were excellent!!!!
Unfortunately, and I don't like saying these things in public reading areas....
Too 'wordy'. You can cut out most of the 'ands, buts, ors, the's, and etc...and this poem will mean the same thing!
After the first two lines, you start telling people, instead of showing them a picture....like so,"I hated this guy." Hate means only hate, what I felt. But, "I left his brand new Nikes in the rain." shows! that hate to the reader in no uncertain terms!
Elysabeth Faslund...Poemhunter.com
2007-12-07 19:24:25 · answer #4 · answered by Elysabeth 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its okay its sounds like you tried to hard though it has a good thought but kinda boring im sure you can do better well thats what i thought at first but when you read it again its awsosome a i got a great mental picture amazing
2007-12-07 19:31:47 · answer #5 · answered by *renfield* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it! Very creative and well-written, and great choice of words!
2007-12-07 19:15:19 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't rhyme and there are too many syllables in some lines and too few in others...it doesn't flow.
Don't give up your day job.
2007-12-07 19:12:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
rhymes are a little forced and it doesn't flow that well.
I'd give it a B.
2007-12-07 19:12:05 · answer #8 · answered by ohio gal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
from 1-10
i rate it a 9
its very good
keep it up!
2007-12-07 19:12:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
very poetic!!! I like it!! 9/10
2007-12-07 19:14:42 · answer #10 · answered by Polly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋