My wife is an alcoholic.?

Question

she goes out every night and guys buy her drinks, she isn't home half of the time, but she's not cheating...i gave her permission to do what the f she wants. we aren't in love, we don't have sex, is there any reason to stay married? i've done everything for her and nothing is enough...cars, making her dinner....and when we do have sex, we have problems. we're really good friends, but it seems like that's all we really are. there is no chemistry. we've been together almost four years...i'm 29, she's 26 and she's my first everything. is it too late to move on and start our lives over?

Answer 1

News flash: she is cheating on you

Answer 2

You're only 29 of course it's not too late. If you really loved each other, I'd say you should try to make it work, but if this is a loveless married it's best to get out now, not 10 years from now when you're both miserable and too old to get dates.

Since you care about her, you should try to get her help for her alcoholism. It's very hard to do this though. Some people just can't change or break an addiction.

Good luck with this.

Answer 3

Perhaps your wife is alcoholic - typically, however, the do tend to hide their drinking. She admits that she drinks - do you suspect/know that she is drinking more than she's telling you? AA might be a good place to get info:

http://www.aa.org/

I suspect, cheating or not, the major draw in having guys buy her drinks is the attention that they lavish on her. She may not be having sex with them, but she's "cheating" all the same. The bible says if you lust after someone in your heart, even if you take no physical actions, you are guilty of adultry never the less.

I'm sorry to hear that your love and sex lives have diminished to practically nil. It is sad to see a marriage die. I would encourage you to try marriage counciling (maybe you already have). You both have to put forth an honest effort for it to work. If she (or you) have no interest in trying to save the marriage, it will not help. The fact that you are good friends is actually very good - you do care about each other, in spite of the lack of chemistry, and so you should be willing to give it a try for each other's sakes.

Most marriages, the first year is great, and then the next 4 are awful. All that stuff that you let slide because you were so in love comes to a head. You fight, you argue. About 5 years into the marriage, you finally settle into what things are worth fighting about and what things you are just going to let slide or even learn to love about the other person. For most people, it really does get better after 5 years. In your case, it sounds like you've stopped fighting and just given up with each other. The problem is, this "giving up" time doesn't count towards your 4 years. :-( You have to have the friction between you in order to wear down the parts that rub each other the wrong way. You have to care enough to argue, and it sounds like you've both given up on caring about the marriage.

This is a really good marriage conference called "A Weekend to Remember":

http://www.familylife.com/conferences/marriage.asp

I would encourage you to try everything you can before throwing the towel in on your marriage.

Answer 4

Been there bro. The first thing you have to do is decide if its forever. Going out and getting hammered fills a void if her life that if you can fill with Love will change everything.

My wife was the SAME way! I tightened the ropes and reconnected with her. She's told me several times that looking back (about 3 years ago when it was a constant) that she doesn't know what she was doing and she now realizes how messed up her actions were.

I don't know how your spiritual life flows, but reestablishing mine saved my marriage.

Don't let her walk on you though! At 26 she's had time to get party mode out of her system. You've got to think about why your married each other. There had to be a spark at some point. Search your mind and bring that Love back. Everyone differs on "how to" but its totally possible, it just sounds like she's the one that has to agree to try.

Divorce will solve the problem like a bandade will take care of a stab wound. You'll regret it and at first it's a breath of fresh air, but give it ALL you've got before totally giving up. You've got the power to save the marriage, the energy and conviction is questionable. If you want to work it out, look, read, talk, etc. If NOTHING else works, maybe throw in the towel.

I wish you the best my friend. God Bless and may Peace be with you!

Answer 5

sweety my friend has this same problem with his wife....now she's pregnant and he's stuck. (sorry if that sounds mean but he wont walk out on his child) I question if its even his, but I would never tell him that. He cares too much what people think so he covers for her drinking and stupid stuff like that. Since no one knows how unhappy they are together he is afraid leaving her while she's pregnant will make him an asshole.....dont get yourself into this position....his wife still drinks even though she's like 6 months along....its bad. Run dont walk away from that BS, 26 is old enough to know better and act like an adult rather than a friggin lush...what are you gonna do when she's 30 and acting this way??

Answer 6

Hi Andrew,
I think you already know the answer to your own question. It's in the way you say "we've been together almost 4 years." Sounds like a total drag to you both. Somehow, whatever magic you had (if ever) has been lost. You two are neither compatible nor comfortable with each other. Marriage should be based on love and a willingness to grow together. Since you are both going in different directions, might as well make it official with a divorce and move on. There's no point keeping up appearances to the world and yourselves.
Hope this helps. I wish you well, both of you in your own ways.

Answer 7

move on NOW while you have a chance.We don't have sex but when we do??? What do you mean by that? She is unable to have feelings for you or anything else. Alcoholics don't want to feel,that's the whole point of drinking. Keeping a distance from life and themselves is major job in their lives.You seem to have become aware of some truths already and you can protect yourself.Get some distance and then if you want to remain friends do so when YOU are the one in control and can regulate the relationship.This is NOT about you.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear about your wife but have you tried marriage counseling? If yes, than maybe you should get legally separated for awhile if she is still the same than definitely get a divorce. Besides you may feel a little more at ease. But like you said the 2 of you are still good friends and you still can be. God bless and hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 9

Your only 29 years old, you have a good 50 or so years ahead of you! I guarantee you'll be able to find someone who you love & are happy with. If I were in your situation, I think I would get a divorce. You make it very clear that you arn't happy with how things are going between you two in your question. It's your life, why spend it so miserably? You've got one life to be happy, remember that...Relationships are tough, I know...but as the saying goes "there's other fish in the sea"...You know? Do what makes you happy...

Hope I've helped..
Take care

Answer 10

I am really sorry for you. A young fella should have better. But, before throwing in the towel and getting out of the marriage, just get her and yourself to a marriage counselor. If she wants help for her addition she can get it. If she just doesn't care anymore, then you can't make her. Perhaps the therapist can get some truth out of her that you are not aware of. Like..... many people think they don't love each other anymore, when what happens is that they are hurt and confused and not know how to work it out.
I have been married 45 years and have been in and out of love with my hubby many times.He drinks and I detest it and his drinking behavior, but love him dearly.
I guess what I am trying to say is don't give up the ship too soon. Good luck to you!

Answer 11

Its never too late to start over. If your not happy what the point? She obviously doesnt care either. If she would rather be out late at night with other guys buying her drinks than be at home with the " love of her life" than she doesnt want to be married. Talk to her about what you feel and what you just told all of us. If you really aren't happy thats why there's the beauty of divorce. I know it's not a happy thing to get divorced but if your already not happy why not? after this you'll be happy in the long run.