Tips for dealing with husband's sexual past?

Question

My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years now, married for about 5 months. I am a strong beleiver in waiting until marriage. But he had been with 3 other girls by the time we met. I know the past is the past, but living in a small town and constantly running into his ex's bothers me. I had no experience before him, so I know he didn't pick up anything from me. He had to have learned it somewhere. I just don't know how to deal with it. We've talked about it a couple times before, but I just recently found out he lied to me the first time he told me. I feel like I've been lied to this whole time. I know he was trying to spare my feelings, but it hurts more to find the truth now and know he's been lying the whole time. I guess it just hurts to know that he shared such an experience with 3 others. It makes me feel less of a person. Any tips on how to work through this (without going to marriage counseling)? He doesn't like talking about it...Thanks guys.

Answer 1

I have to admit that I was a little taken aback when you mentioned that he'd had 3 partners before you, because it seemed like such a small number. My partner and I have been together almost six years now. Before we'd met, I'd been with 41 previous women and she'd been with with about 30 men (I'm 48, she's 50 ).

You're worried that he learned some sexual behaviors from these other three women. Try and turn that into a positive. Those other three women helped him to prepare to be a better lover for you. Some of what is good about our lovemaking is that we've had experiences both positive and negative. It gives us a strength that we didn't have in our youth.

I don't want to dismiss your feelings by saying that they are nothing. You're feelings are your feelings. You do have to power to decide what you want to do with them. You have the power to let go of the worry and see the important thing--those three are his past. You are his present and future. You have something they'll never have.

As to why he lied, was it a case where he minimized his experience out of fear that you would react negatively when you found out that he'd had 3 previous lovers?

Why are you trying to avoid marriage counseling?

Good luck!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

This is why I'm a very firm believer in leaving the past IN the PAST.

What good has it done you to talk about these things and to know details? Absolutely none.

I would need therapy also if I knew about my husband's or any of my ex's pasts. They probably would as well.

Everyone has a past.

You married him knowing that he had been with other women -it's very unfair to BOTH of you that you are taking issue with it now. So you waited until marriage-good for you..but let's face it, most people don't.

He loves you. He married YOU-not any of these other women. You need to take pride in that, hold your head high and get over his past...he shouldn't have lied....but did you put him in a position to lie? Did he know it would bother you? Was he trying to save your feelings?

I don't know why women think that they need to know everything (and some men too)...I mean if he's with you, loves you, married you and is monogamous, I see NO REASON that you should take issue with this now.

Answer 4

Why don't you want to go to a qualified third party (counselor, psychologist, minister) who can keep you both on topic and offer suggestions (exercises even) to help you both work through your issues around this?
That said, how do you know he had been with three other girls prior to you? Did he tell you or was it just "common knowledge"? What precisely did he lie about -- that he had had previous sexual experience?
During the whole time you've been together, was he/ has he been involved with anyone else?
How does his sharing this experience with others before you diminish YOU? You say you're a strong believer in waiting until marriage, and evidently, you did. You have integrity and the "courage of your convictions".
Two things strike me here.
One, a relationship needs to be built on trust, so the whole issue of lying -- whenever, over whatever -- needs to be sorted.
Two, the word "past" means just that. Your husband's sexual past is behind BOTH of you (if it happened before the two of you got together). As long as he is totally committed to you and the vows of marriage you both agreed to, then why not live in the present? His exes are just that: EXES. He chose for you.
Good luck working this out!

Answer 5

I checked out your question because I thought I could relate to some degree. I believe the same way and didn't have sex until after I got married. Fortunately, my husband was raised the same way.
I feel badly for you and can imagine how hurt you must feel. A few thoughts:
He needs to aplogize big time and in a way that you feel he's very sincere for lying. He needs to understand how betrayed you're feeling, so you need to make your feelings very clear, always wording it in an "I feel....etc", and not "You made me feel....etc" because that just always puts others on the defensive.
If you don't want to go to counselling, you're going to have to get into some deep and serious discussion about this so he knows where you're coming from. He needs to reassure you that you are the only one for him now, that he loves you exclusively, etc. If he doesn't realize this, you need to ask him for these things.
The fact is, and you won't hear this much I would imagine, is that, he was wrong. He shared his heart and body with someone not his spouse---even if you were in the future, and now it's affecting his marriage. We're only meant to connect in that way with our spouses and so this is why you are feeling such hurt, and I'm sure he's feeling some regret.

Also, you need to work on forgiving him. It's going to be tough, but you have to start refusing to think about those other women and conciously choose to forgive him. He's chosen you now, you are the one he committed his life too. Hold on to that and make the decision to forgive.

Hope this helps, but let me just say, I think that counselling would be really helpful (maybe with a pastor or something) and it might come down to it and he'll need to get over his dislike for the sake of your marriage.

Answer 6

I have been there. I felt the same way with my husband. He's been the only man I've been with but he's had several partners. Honestly, there is nothing to deal with.. you just have to accept the past. He's with you now. If you're unsure of what to do sexually (I was at first) read some books. Spice things up in your bedroom and create new memories with him. By creating new and fun memories, you won't think so much about his past. That is what I did. It not only created new memories but it made our relationship even stronger.

Good luck.

Answer 7

First of all, I'm sorry some people have been so rude as to tell you that you should "get over it" or that "3's not that many, he's practically a saint". These are the same people who have probably had 30 partners themselves and so they have no problem with someone who has had 30 as well.

You mentioned that you were a virgin before you met him. Well that makes things different. Clearly you value sex. It meant something for you and you waited. The people being rude to you do not value it in the same way--they value it for the physical quality and not the emotional, intimate, exclusive relationship it builds with someone.

That being said, I'm in a similar situation. The man I love and plan to marry had sex with someone for over 4 years, and oral sex with 2 other women and I have had no previous experience (by choice of course). It bothers me. Not because I think of him as a whore or lacking values or anything of the sort but because I didn't get to be his first. Another woman got to lead him through that path and it was purely physical (he was not in love with this woman and the relationship was an excuse not to be alone). With me it will be something he has already done, just with a new person and for me it will be a most intimate experience with the man I love.

As for advice...you have to talk to him. Your husband is your best friend and you should be honest so that he can be there for you. However, do not ask for details. They will destroy you and will give you mental images that will make it hard to not break down when looking at the past. He should not have lied to you because it was deceitful and I'm sure if you were truly in love with him you would have married him anyway. Work through your feelings and have him help you through it but be sure not to be accusatory or judgemental but specific about WHY it hurts you (i.e. because he lied, because you weren't his first, because you found out from someone else, etc.).

Best of luck and again, please try to ignore some of the insensitive, ignorant comments from those who cannot see it from your perspective but believe they live in a world of sexual freedom (as if sex were a currency rather than an act of intimacy).

Answer 8

He asked you to be the most important person in his life. He married you. That is a lot bigger deal than the relationships he's had in the past.

He probably doesn't like talking about it because he can't do anything about the past and has done nothing but try to make you happy ever since you've been together - including marrying you.

I would suggest asking if he can spend "special time" with you - dates, even if on the couch with popcorn & a movie - to help you cope with this new-found truth that he finally found the courage to be honest with you about the relationships he had in the past (which are meaningless compared to what he had with you from the beginning).

He cares so much more about YOU! YOU YOU YOU!

When you start to get upset, look at your ring and remember your vows: to honor him. The past made him who he is today. You love him. Give him a chance to make some memories with you, and these memories will make you smile after seeing those girls around town. "He who laughs last, laughs loudest!" "Save the best for last!"

Answer 9

Guys are wired to want to have sex with as many attractive women as possible.

You've known that fact even before you met your husband. Why then do you feel like less of a person?

You know...Relationship lies are often told out of fear.
The liar feels that if the other spouse only learned of a certain situation, she would instantly leave; or otherwise bad things would happen. It is safe to say then, that the liar values the relationship sufficiently enough to lie about it in order to preserve it. By contrast, if the liar didn't care about it at all, he wouldn't care whether it ended or not.

You might say: Well if he really cared about it, than why did he sleep with her at all? See the first sentence above.

So you could be justifiably upset that he lied to you; annoyed that he didn't have the courage to come clean. Even angry.

But feeling like less of a person--this is not the right emotional fit for this problem.

Answer 10

Does he love you? Not just say it, but show it. Do you love him? Do you think that concentrating on a past that you have no control over is going to help your future together?
If you really want to know, (I don't know why you would) I would suggest you ask for the whole truth. Be prepared for the "worst" and realize, you asked for it, so don't go off on him for telling you what you asked.
Once it is all out in the open, forget it because it will never be important again to a fantastic relationship you can have with him. It's up to you.
Unless your Hubby is still burning those candles, the only flames you should have should be for him...