The last warm air of summer drew back
as the sun turned away,
the moon was faint through the clouds
turning grey.
Winter opened starless eyes,
her hard breath numbed the ground
where the dead leaves lay.
I thought I saw you today
at a distance
in the crowd.
You looked different somehow,
without me.
Flowers by the roadside
die so quickly in a vase,
you said.
I still find your hair
on my pillow,
your perfume lingers somewhere.
Maybe I'll see you again.
The rain has no sympathy,
spraying bright waves
in the breeze.
I walk,
more thoughtful now
through the shapeless wind,
Long coated in black and memory,
without your hand.
Time passes,
I become less sure of things.
The trees on the riverbank
still wait for you
in silence
2007-12-07 09:01:22 · 10 answers · asked by alexandre 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It is Poignant, Ethereal and very moving....
Life passes by, or dow pass by life,
Memories linger or do we hold them captive.
a breath fragrant, yours or mine,
Deafening heartbeat, mine and yours
a whisper, unspoken thoughts, left unsaid
resound within this empty heart...
A love lost, a laboured pain unhealed
comforts, your love your loss your pain,
remains long after you have passed
2007-12-11 04:44:06 · answer #1 · answered by VAndors Excelsior™ (Jeeti Johal Bhuller)™ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I actually really like it. Some suggestions though:
It might speak more powerfully if you take out your exact experience and describe the situation from a distance to leave some room for imagination and interpretation. Right now, it's only a sad specific story, but opening the story up to fit more scenarios will bring more emotion to it. Does that make sense?
Try using less of the words "you" and "your" to leave room for more describing words.
2007-12-07 09:23:29 · answer #2 · answered by The Loving Addict 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time passes,
I become less sure of things.
The trees on the riverbank
still wait for you
in silence
Simply greattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
2007-12-07 09:15:57 · answer #3 · answered by Confused 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its very good. i used to love writing poems myself.
ok why the thumbs down?? cos i think its good and i used to enjoy writing poems? does someone not like that?
2007-12-07 09:07:50 · answer #4 · answered by Janeywaney 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its great. I think its personal to you. Well done.
2007-12-07 09:11:00 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it needs to be more together it seems to skip from one to the next and not really flow.....
2007-12-07 09:05:23 · answer #6 · answered by just duky 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. but i agree... a few to many skips
2007-12-07 09:10:58 · answer #7 · answered by hbb 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats brilliant!! i absolutly love it!!
did you write that?!
genius!
2007-12-07 09:09:45 · answer #8 · answered by caz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its great!
2007-12-07 09:04:48 · answer #9 · answered by GeeCee 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I LOVE IT
IT IS TOTALLY AWESOME
2007-12-07 10:33:35 · answer #10 · answered by Nikki 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋