I divorced him in 2001, after he had a child with his 17 yr old "toy". He was 29. After 2 years of bitter hatred, I TRIED to forgive him. We have 2 kids (boys12 & 9). We don't live together and I have the kids. I recently bought a house, and have been coaching our youngest sons basketball team, and taking both our boys to their other practices & games as well as church 2 days a week. The only time I have to spend with him is on Sat. night when the boys are with their grandparents. He never sees them because the court siad he had to have supervised visits because he had sex with a minor (she was emancipated when she got out of Juvie for robbery, so he didn't get charged) and had her living in his home they wouldn't allow visits there, and then he supposedly put his hands around her neck (he never laid 1 solitary finger on me in 17 yrs and this little beeeaaacchh is a drama queen teenager, so I really think he wasn't guilty) and he went to prison for 2 yrs.
2007-12-07 03:53:16 · 13 answers · asked by WTFever 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He hasn't paid his court costs so he won't go to the judge and ask for visit restrictions to be lifted. He also won't call DHS to get a visit. He hasn't seen the boys in 1 1/2 yrs. ANY WAY, he has been treating me like SH!T lately, calling me names and accusing me of screwing someone else wen I can't go see him because of basketball or the kids. He is rude, degrading and offensive.
BUT...I have spent half my life with "Mr. Wonderful" and I am having a real hard time letting go. I think it's because I don't know anything else. Can anyone suggest some good reading or something to help me get over it. I really think I will always love the ******, but the sex isn't even that good anymore, and thats what I used to think kept me around.
2007-12-07 03:59:42 · update #1
THANKS to all of you. I think codependency nails it on the head! I guess I just needed a little "support". My friends all hate him and most of them left me when I took him back. It is one of those things easy to say but hard to do....
2007-12-07 04:11:17 · update #2
why do you still want to be with this man? i understand he is the father of your children, but come on! first he cheated on you and your children and left you for a minor. a criminal minor at that. then he goes to prison for physical violence against her! it seems that you and your children are doing just fine without him. i'd keep it that way.
2007-12-07 03:57:56 · answer #1 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Look, you were smart enough to make it this far without him, why get yourself into something that will only bring you pain and heartache again? You are behaving like a typical woman who over sees the flaws of a man and then puts the blame on the woman. Stop making excuses for this guy. He had an affair while married to you with a minor (even if she was emancipated from her parents), she had a child, which means if you go back to him you will have to deal with her also, then he chokes her and spent 2 years in prison for it. The law does not state that if a woman deserves it then a man has a right to be abusive. Like I said, do yourself a favour and stop making excuses for him. To have sight and still not be able to see is sad.
2007-12-07 04:08:34 · answer #2 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You already know the answer, and you're right. I admire you for making an effort to forgive him, but to me, of all the crap he's pulled, the thing I could never understand or accept is how he doesn't appear willing to make any effort whatsoever to see your children. If they were a priority to him, he would have found a way to pay the court costs or clear up anything else that was keeping him from seeing them.
Bottom line, you and your sons deserve better. Unfortunately, knowing that won't make leaving any easier. I wish you the best of luck.
2007-12-07 04:47:08 · answer #3 · answered by Captain Hammer 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Speaking as a couples counselor, he's obviously filling some need for you, but at a huge emotional cost.
Try these great guides:
Why Do I Love This Person? The Importance of Understanding Your Motivation In Relationships
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-understanding-your-motivation.html
Should I Stay Or Go? Knowing When To Move On
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go.html
For more free relationship advice from a psychotherapist specializing
in couples, family, and marriage therapy
visit http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com.
2007-12-07 06:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by lovehealer 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't you realize that he ain't no victim here? He cheated, he commited statuary rape, he fathered a child out of wedlock, he perpetrated domestic violence and now is convicted of assault... but yet you insist on portraying him as the victim.
I know that you still ove him and probably that's why you are taking his side, but you are blinding yourself from the sad and unfortunate reality. The truth is that you are the only one that believes his lies although his proven record of lack of integrity proves otherwise.
My advice would be to stick to YOUR SONS side and let him handle his issues on his own. He put himself in that situation and you sadly seem to want to pick up the pieces of his mess. To prove that you were right perhaps? To pay her with the same coin and get revenge? For the ego boost?
Have some self respect, you seem like a nice, caring lady, but quite honestly, he doesn't deserve your good heart. He should be longing to see his children, but sadly, he just calls you for s ex and you are allowing that. Next time he calls, tell him that if is not about the kids, you have no bussiness talking to himt. You cannot force him to be a father. Do not waste your time... and BTW, he ain't Mr. Wonderful no more and it seems to me that you enjoy this vicious cycle in spite of your kids. Sorry, but you are doing this to satisfy your own needs and not acting in the best interest of the children,
Good luck
2007-12-07 04:04:00 · answer #5 · answered by Blunt 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've spent half your life with the a hole (and you sound miserable) why would you spend your second half with him? It sounds like you're doing a great job of raising your sons on your own and they will be grown soon so leave this guy in the past don't wake up 10 years from now with regrets.... If he wanted to be apart of his sons lives he would find a way to pay his court cost so he could see them.. I personally wouldn't want him around the boys i would not want them to grow up and be anything like him..
2007-12-07 04:14:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Definitely read "Co-Dependant No more" by Melodie Beattie. And also get, Louise Hay's book, "Love yourself, heal your life". She has a book with this title and a workbook. You need both these books, so you can start loving yourself instead of a man who treats your horribly. You deserve better. And these books will help you get there. Going to ACA groups might help with the codpendency too. Good luck!
2007-12-07 04:38:10 · answer #7 · answered by trapeze 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
WHy is this even an issue? WHy are you spending time with him? He must abide by the courts ruling, or risk losing his kids forever. If you violate the order, and something happens, your credilibility will be called into question. This is his problem, not yours. Provide a healthy and safe environment for your children - first and foremost.
2007-12-07 04:02:11 · answer #8 · answered by that judi 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You deserve so much better! Sounds like you & the boys were finally getting your lives together. Don't walk backwards to this fool! Get your family away from him. After all the drama he has put you through, it would only do more harm to stay with him. He is so not worth it!
2007-12-07 04:10:38 · answer #9 · answered by Katie 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want to stay with a cheater in the first place? How do you know for sure he didn't try to hurt the so called drama queen? I believe in second chances.....but he slept with a minor and got her pregnant...I personally couldn't take a man back that impregnated another woman....
2007-12-07 03:59:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋