what can you dowhen you have lost intamicy and aren't attractted to your wife anymore?

Question

To clarify somewhat....the lack of attraction isn't all a physical thing. We've been together for 15 years...we're both in our 30's now. We have had a tough last 3 years where i feel some of the fighting and words have cut pretty deep. There was a time where i could feel the distance growing between us. I would try to talk about it but I guess with not enough authority. Things got worse before they have got better. We haven't started a family, both want this but because of the last three years I really have my doubts. I really feel i can't open up anymore because of what usually comes my way when I say something that she is sensitive to or doesn't want to hear it. I thought there should be something to follow up then to just have that question stand alone.

Answer 1

I'd find ways of spicing up our relationship, thinking of the good times we've spent together, joys my partner has given me, remidn myself how i'd desired my partner etc..if a third person is not involved, this will work.

Answer 2

I've been with my wife a long time now, and we go through times like that, too. Attraction oftentimes isn't about looks anymore; it's about how you treat each other. If a woman doesn't feel satisfied in the home, she'll stop caring as much about herself, for one, which could make you less attracted and less attractive! She might be feeling the same way. Maybe the reason neither of you are talking about it is you don't want to make things worse. Start acting and treating her like your girlfriend again. Isn't that why the two of you got married to begin with - the way the two of you were together? Try to have a similar date to your first one. Or invite her to celebrate the anniversary of some "first." The first time you saw her, asked her out, asked to marry her, etc. If you don't remember the exact date, estimate. If she's confused, tell her! Tell her you want to bring the romance back and show her that you still love her. Watch the intimacy explode right in front of your eyes!

Answer 3

Why aren't you attracted to her anymore? Has she gained weight? Does she not take care of herself? Does she have a bad attitude? The reasons behind your feelings are really important.

Most marriages go through issues like this. Sometimes it just takes some time and effort to get back on track, and sometimes it's not so simple.

Are you still in love with her? If so, then talk to her and try to work on rebuilding the intimacy. Take her out to dinner, have some wine and then come home and make love to her!

You have to put some effort into it if you want it to work. If you aren't in love with her anymore, then you should be honest with her about that. If it has gotten to that extreme then you may be better off splitting up for awhile. Maybe some time apart will make you realize and appreciate what you have.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Intimacy is not only the sexual attraction but much more. It is a bond of friendship between two people. That bond is built from being open and sharing of feelings, it is a deep trust and devotion, it is knowing without a doubt that the person you are intimate with can be depended upon to be there with your best interests at heart. Without this bond, when sexual attraction lessens, there is nothing more to hold on to the relationship. I would advise you to start re-building intimacy in your relationship with your wife, then the sexual attraction will follow. It appears your idea of intimacy is only the physical closeness and this it not true.

Answer 5

Look you have to treat her the same way you did when you first started dating.
That's the secret to a great marriage.
It's simple and should be common sense, but it really isn't.
It's a lot of work, but if you value your marriage then it's something you should do.
The attraction and feelings will come back quickly if you just follow that advice. It will be better for both of you.
Best of luck.

I've been there.

Answer 6

Apparently this is a popular question. Marriage if full of roadblocks, but the reason you signed up was supposed to be for better or worse. Instead of thinking outside the marriage, think inside! It's a mindset, so do things to perk it up!
I'm first including a link to a guy who asked a similar question. Then I'm including a link to help.
The biggest thing, as strange as it might sound, is start DOING things for your wife. Look and see what she needs and try to get in there and help. When a woman sees how hard her man is working to meet her needs, she is drawn to him, and he ends up with far better rewards! It's the simple changes that mean a lot. Good luck!

Answer 7

Tell her and work on it - you took a vow and so did she. If she is not willing than I say see a therapist by yourself and let them help you draw an educated conclusion. I am sure there are many things that could affect the way you feel... A Family Therapist could be a great way to start getting to the root of the problem.

Answer 8

You find out why and you work on it. A marriage is work. If you think it's because she has gained weight, you get over it. If it's because her personality or attitude has changed, you sit down and talk it out. Find out what is going on before making drastic decisions. If you get to the point that you just can't take whatever is going on anymore, then you suggest a separation to get over the situation.

Good luck and have a great day.

Answer 9

It depends on both of you and what you are willing to do.

The loss of intimacy can stem from countless ways:

Depression
Illness
Stress
Change in weight or body
Problems in the relationship--cheating, abusive behavior, etc.
And much more...

If you know why you have lost intimacy, then that is a great beginning. You need to discuss options with your wife, such as what you are both willing to do to save your relationship with one another. Counseling is a good start (pastoral counseling is a good way to go-depending on your beliefs).

Try talking to her about the reasons you have lost intimacy and see if there is anything she can do to help. You also have to do your best to figure it out and pull your weight in trying to gain it back.

Answer 10

Stop comparing other relationships, for example tv relationships, it's all fake, do you have a tape of your wedding? Watch it together and remind yourselves the real reason why you got married in the first place. Buy her and yourself something sexy, play a lil sex game together, hopefully you can work through this!!