Husband critisizes everything i do....?

Question

A little history...my husband has always thought he does no wrong. He was getting better until we recently had a baby girl and now she is 10 weeks old and since she was born I can't do a damn thing right. I pick her up too often...I spend too much on clothes...I bring her to our bed too often...I spoil her too much...I'm creating a monster...I don't put her carseat in right...and on and on and on. When I tell him that he's making me feel badly about myself as a mother, he tells me that it's not his fault that all those things are true and that my bad feelings are all in my head. My husband has a very quick tounge and can think of a comeback in a snap, I on the other hand, get backed into a corner and can't get out. He always wins because he tells me that "it's all in my head". I hear this every fight we have and I'm at the point of being ready to leave him. any advice?

Answer 1

People who think they can do no wrong really are dealing with low self esteem. Their need to know that they are right is simply a cover up for it. Sounds like he has a pretty tough shell. The choice you have to make is quite simple: Is this the man (or the kind of man) I want to live with for the rest of my life? How you answer this question will take you to your next steps. God Bless. I think you deserve better.

Answer 2

First of all, you are the mother and mothers always have the best intuition for their baby. Not every child is the same so by you doing the things that you do does not mean you are a bad mother and you should never feel that way nor let him make you feel that way. There are so many dos and donts of taking care of a child that you need to find what works best for you. A baby needs alot of attention so I dont think he should say you pick her up too often or to bed too often. As for him, he needs to let you have a say in what goes on. He sounds very controling and he should never make you feel bad, you are the mother of his child. I would try to talk with him more about it because it is a problem. I believe that parents should be together to raise a child but he seems to want to be the boss all of the time, thats not really together either. I would mention to him that if it continues then you will be forced to do...AB&C. I wouldnt actually act on it unless he doesnt work to change his mentality.

Answer 3

Your husband is telling you he's not getting enough attention. Start leaving the baby with a sitter for a few hours and date your husband again. Couple that with letting him stay at home with his daughter while you leave. Even if all you do is go spend some time taking a walk, let him experience parenting. Remember, he's not a sitter, this is his daughter. You need to not criticize him for anything he does differently than you do. It is not possible to "spoil" a 10week old baby. Where did your husband learn about babies and their needs? From his family perhaps? Take a look at those relationships and you will find your answer for his behavior. Don't ruin your daughters life by leaving him before you have actually tried to solve this issue.

Answer 4

my advise, the next time he off into this jerk behavior you just hand him the child and tell him; since I don't know what I am doing then you do it your damn self. Get into your car and treat yourself to a movie. Don't answer your cell phone and when you come home and see how well he did with his child. When the baby cry take the child to him and leave, when it time to buy clothes, tell him to do the shopping and when he come back with something that don't fit the child. Send him back until he get it right, hopefully this will drive a point to him that he don't know every thing. And let him know this will happen every time he show his butt with you.

I don't agree with any man or woman try to tell their companion/spouse/etc how to do something when they're not willing to do it their self. If your way is not good enough then he should do it. There is no reason for you to let your self esteem go down because someone think he knows every thing. Who can you be strong for your child when you allow some jerk of a rear end to bring you down. You have to believe in yourself and don't let him tear you down.

Answer 5

Because I have been married for over 6 years to a man whose personality resembles that of your husband, I can honestly say, I understand. With the most heartfelt sympathy, I can tell you what I have done to rise above the critisism. The first thing that you need to realize is that you are not responsible for his behavior. He is insecure and you have neither caused nor contributed to that insecurity. Having said that, you are also not responsible for trying to make him more secure. NOTHING that you try will make him feel secure. It is a wasted effort and not worth your energy. Which, by the way you should be using to focus your attention on yourself and to that beautiful new baby girl. Secondly, you should give yourself a break! You just had a baby for cripes sake! You're emotionally vulnerable and his critisism is probably making it 10 times worse! So my suggestion is to take a few moments each day (perhaps when the baby is sleeping?) turn off the tv, the phone and the computer and meditate. If 5 minutes is all that you can handle, spend that 5 minutes with your eyes closed, focusing only on your breathing. When your mind gets cluttered, gentley bring your focus back to your breathe. That 5 minutes is YOUR time, and the more you stay focused on the important things (like you and your baby) the less time you will have time to focus on the unimportant things like his cruel and hateful words. The other important thing I'd like to share with you is that nobody ever "wins" an argument. But you can rise above it. As the Tao says...end it with love. This may be hard to do when you feel like you're ready to poison your husband with arsenic, but trust me... and trust yourself...the moment you feel your blood start to boil, walk away (I usually go into the bathroom with the door locked and meditate for a few minutes). Be forewarned though, he will probably throw harsh words at you because your reaction is different then he's used to (and men who act the way that our husbands do, do so because they want control). But remember, you are in control of your reaction or in this case, lack of reaction. It may take some time for you to get to know your feelings and to practice this "lack of participation" so don't get down on yourself if at first you slip up. Keep practicing. Even though it may feel better to throw the nastiness back at him or defend yourself against his words, it is only contributing to the vicious cycle of the negativity. Find peace within yourself and peace will be brought to you. Best to you and your baby girl. Namaste.

Answer 6

I have been through exactly what you are now, and I can tell you it is a losing battle.
It sounds as if your husband is verbally abusive, and has no confidence of himself.
What you are describing fits perfectly with the profile of a verbal abuser.
My husband does this to me constantly as well, and when I tell him he is hurting my feelings, he tells me that I am "too sensitive" and that it's in my head.
Read this:
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
and see if other characteristics seem like your husband.

It could be the stress of having a new baby, but that is really no excuse for his constant harping. My advice is to follow your gut instinct. You are a mother..you know what you are doing is right for your child. Focus on your daughter's needs right now, and as hard as it seems, try to tune your husband out. I would suggest counseling, but if he refuses to admit he is the perpetrator, then he likely might refuse. But it is worth a try for the sake of your family. Good Luck.


PS..I have a daughter from a previous relationship and am confident that I know what I am doing. When my husband tells me I am doing it wrong with our son, I hand him the baby and say "Okay, since you're the expert, YOU show me how to do it.." A few times of that, and he backs off big-time. He doesn't really want the responsibility, he just wants to complain.

Answer 7

You sound like me--I always get backed into a corner.

You are probably a very sweet, giving person and a very good mother. He just has you feeling that you are a terrible person and a terrible mother. He is abusing you emotionally and that's wrong of him to do.

It's not going to do any good for you to sit down and talk with him, since he has the unfortunate attitude that you don't know what the heck you are doing or talking about. He needs help and it will have to come from someone outside the marriage. My first suggestion is always pastoral counseling, but that will only help those who are believers. Nevertheless, he needs some type of counseling to help him not make you feel worthless.

Answer 8

Well, the 1 thing I can advise on is you cannot pick up a baby too much, ever! there are animals that stay w/ their young constantly in their first 2 years of life! we are humans and certainly should treat the children well that we have in our house! =)

Sounds like this man is an idiot, lol!

perhaps you should leave him and take the baby, maybe he will wake up and be more understanding instead of critical... a good husband would try to be understanding... =(... this little girl will end up growing up w/ a complex that she does everything wrong, too!

Answer 9

Consistently, constantly, tell him that if he thinks he can do better, to do it.

"If I'm picking her up too often, spoiling her, and bringing her to bed to comfort her, you go ahead and comfort her how you think it should be done."

"If I spend too much on clothes, you go shopping and dress her every day."

"If I'm putting the car seat in wrong, you go ahead and put it in."

In other words, every time, challenge him to do the work, then step off and let him do it. Hand him the baby and walk away. You don't even have to wait for him to complain -- be preemptive. Say you hear the baby crying, tell him, "I hear her crying, but I know that I would only do something you don't like if I go in there, so you handle it."

The best way to shut up a back seat driver is by putting him behind the steering wheel.

Answer 10

Your right leave him! He didn't sit in labor for however many hours and he didn't have to carry the baby for nine months. What mother doesn't spoil her first born? That's like human nature. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a control freak and you need to tell him I don't criticize what you do and I'm your wife, why would you want to bring me down? You also need to let him know if it's all in my head then I'm leaving you, because you put it there. He should stop after that if not you don't need him sweet heart. Best wishes.