what do you think of this?

Question

as i watch you now
i remember a time long ago
when i was young and free
and could do as i please

with wonder in your eyes
and hope in your heart
a smile on your face
and a spring in your step

you are the picture of innocence
and should never be allowed out
for you will find the problems in the world
and then you become like the rest

fear in your eyes
a different hope in your heart
a frown on your face
and no spring in your step

i hope you stay innocent
so maybe the world has a chance
to remind them of their childhood
and give them some reason to live

Copyright 7 December 2007
S.J.C

Answer 1

Not bad at all.

I wish I could do that.

Answer 2

It's not bad in it "story" of what you're trying to say, but it needs a little modification. A little tweaking. You've written in stanzas, are they meant to rhyme? It's interesting that yr 2nd & 4th stanzas end with the same words--was that intentional? Not a bad thing, but it is literally just the flip side. Perhaps you can find a few different word to say the same thing and still use the end words. Also hope is usually a positive word so it contradicts the intended meaning of the 4th stanza.
This is what I would state for your 3rd stanza:
"you are the picture......THAT I WANT TO KEEP SAFE....
FROM....the problems of the world"
as opposed to not being allowed out, b/c I think safe is your intended meaning. Get it? And watch your flow--the rhythm. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

wow that's very deep. if you wrote it then you are very good at writing. it was good and reminded me of something that's going on in my life right now. you have power and I hope you use it wisely.

Answer 4

excellent words, meant a lot to me

Answer 5

Not much.

Answer 6

sober, sad.

Answer 7

i think it is nice.