They've been divorced for over 20 years. I think she was the one he never got over. He eventually remarried, had a child, and divorced again about 10 years ago. He and I have been together for a year and a half. It has always been a challenge for him to open up to me, and I knew he'd been hurt in the past, but we had finally come to a place in our relationship where I thought we both felt safe and trusted and moving forward. And now this. She contacted him because she needs an annulment from him in order to join the Catholic church. His conversation with her threw him into such a tailspin that he missed a day of work because of it. I know they are continuing to talk and it is driving me crazy. He says he just needs to work through his emotions so that he can finally move forward, and intellectually I understand this and know that he and I have no future until he can let go of his past. But knowing that he is having ongoing communication with her is making me nuts. Help???
2007-12-06 21:44:16 · 10 answers · asked by Deb120962 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
More detail, in response to some of the wonderful answers I've received so far: what I understand is that he & I can't move forward until he lets go of the past, and I just have to let him work through that in his own way. I don't think he harbors any fantasies of getting back together, as she is apparently happily remarried. The divorce was final 20 years ago; she just needs a church-recognized annulment in order to join the Catholic church, which is why she contacted him -- apparently there are a bunch of questions she needs him to answer. So this has dredged up a lot of pain from the past, how she walked out on him, and it's obvious that he never really worked through it. I am just faced with the decision of whether or not to stick it out with him, or tell him to go figure it out and get back to me when he wants a grown up relationship in the present tense. We don't live together. I'm giving him space, although we still see each other. But it's lurking beneath the surface.
2007-12-06 23:42:48 · update #1
It's hard for people to break from people that were once important to him. It doesn't mean anything that they are talking- are they still married if she needs an annulment? If so, isn't it better for them to converse and end their relationship ties rather than stay married yet ignore each other? Not only that, but you don't want to be with a man that is carrying a torch for another woman- you will never know if you can trust him.
2007-12-06 21:49:06 · answer #1 · answered by Dig It 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He says he just needs to work through his emotions so he can finally move forward? I don't mean to be harsh, but if he isn't over her after 20 years, you can't, nor should you let yourself, compete with that. You also say intellectually you understand his need to do it. Do you mean you understand he needs more time than 20 years or that you understand you can't have a future until his past is behind him? Or both? I certainly can tell you that if I were in your shoes, I would NOT understand why he needed more time period, but I do agree 100% you can't have a future with this hanging there. As for "now what?" I am not sure there is much you can do because you said yourself that you think she is the one he never got over. You said this contact threw you both for a loop. I understand why it did you, but why him? Is there a chance he is just upset because it's an anulment, which basically means the marriage never existed, or is he upset because her contact has brought up a love he didn't let die? I guess I am not buying the fact he needs to work through his emotions. It seems, just from what you have said, he has feelings for her, hence the ongoing communication, he may just be trying to figure out how to tell you that.
I have re-written my answer twice now- in an effort to make it seem less harsh because my heart goes out to you with such an awful situation turning your life upsidedown, but I feel I have to answer honestly. Good luck to you.
2007-12-07 06:53:37 · answer #2 · answered by 8 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OUCH, I COMPLETLY feel that, its sucks!!!! Wish i can hear what im about to say, this is hard but simple...I don't think she wants him nor there is a chance 4 a reunion. However, that fact that he is hopeful in ANY way means he can't completly give himself 2 u. When he gets burned again he will be there and "realize" he loves u. YOU, have 2 decide now if thats ok, and if u can really deal with that. Is this something u can forget or will u always resent him 4 that? if not, it will NEVER go away nor work. u in a wierd way have the upper, yes more shittier hand, seeing this all before it occurs. think hard about how it makes u feel and will continue to make u feel, and choose now. in conclution, he doesn't no or is he trying to hurt u, he cares about u, but is that enough 4 u???? god i hope i helped, i'm sorry u r here and good luck!!
2007-12-07 05:57:24 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is really NO NEED for him to have ongoing communication with the woman; he is obviously getting involved again; I mean, losing a day's work over this? Ei yi yi. He is. among other things, amazingly emotionally childish, he really should have more control of himself than this and gives in to his out of control emotions way too easlily. His BS words about "needing to work through his emotions so he can finally move forward" I mean, come ON; all that;s missing is the violin music. I mean, lady, it's been TWENTY YEARS and he's still this fragile???? Something wrong with the guy, dump him.
2007-12-07 06:59:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it will be actually helpful for him in going thru the annulment process...it does bring a lot of old issues up, and will help him figure out where they went wrong. As the process goes on, they will get an evaluation telling why the annulment was granted...they were too immature to get married, their were drug/alcohol issues...whatever it is. That will start him on a process of healing. Just be there and be supportive...he needs to work thru all of this to be a better person for you.
2007-12-07 07:55:13 · answer #5 · answered by beaners1229 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In order for him to work through his emotions so that he can move forward, he needs to cut ties with that woman. I'm sure if they have kids, he can't necessarily do that. But if they don't, he just needs to move on with his life. I think he may want to receive counseling because I'm sure it's taken a toll on him and his life and I'm sure him and everyone around him would be happier if he felt better about his life and himself.
2007-12-07 05:49:06 · answer #6 · answered by Megan 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He actually missed a day of work because of this???? Tell him to send her a copy of the divorce decree and if that's not good enough, too damn bad.
2007-12-07 05:50:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing you can do.
He has the control of what he intends to do.
For now you need to coll it, move out while he is working out his feelings.
He will chose you, if you are important enough to him.
Honey, nothing you can do but add to his problems right now.
2007-12-07 05:52:21 · answer #8 · answered by DeeJay 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time for a new boyfriend
2007-12-07 06:11:48 · answer #9 · answered by Bob 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
can say nothing but completely agree with DeeJay above.
2007-12-07 06:00:47 · answer #10 · answered by DI 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋