Its nearly christmas, I have a young son but can't stay with my husband?

Question

should I wait until after christmas, I cant' stand it at home anymore, I love my husband but he is not the man I married one min he is nice to me then next he can be so mean, he won't talk to me and tell me why he will go for days without talking to me then he lies and gives pathetic reasons why he has not spoke to me or slept in our bed, when we are good everything is perfect but it never lasts, he insults me infront of our friends, but then can completely change and make me breckfast in bed cups of tea when I want them tell me i'm beautiful etc etc, we have more bad times than up times but I dont' think I can take much more, I have no where to go either no family close by and I don't want to leave my job that is all I have, I can't sit down and talk this through with him as we will just tell me to f off when he is ready to talk to me he will just act like nothing has happened and start being nice again,

But I need answers,, any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks.

I am 28 and my son is 9

Answer 1

It's a tough one and you are the only person who can make that decision but I think the fact you posted it here means that you haven't decided yet so I think you should wait until after christmas. Think about your son and whether he is really waiting for christmas, would he understand if it wasn't like he wanted? It's a big decision and you really need to think it over, I wouldn't rush it.

Be strong and remember that yu deserve to be happy!

Answer 2

I think you should definitely wait till christmas, your son must be well excited about it by now and you don't sound like you've made up your mind so much better to wait.

I sympathise with your situation though, when people grow two faces and get very cold and cruel it's never a good sign. It sounds like there is no violence or safety issues so I think it is best to stay for a while until you get your head a little clearer on what you want.

It sounds like you do love him and do want to stay though, and just maybe things have fallen off track. I would say don't be so nice to him, or needy (?), or complain/nag (?). Instead go out a lot more with your own friends, or colleagues after work and find some hobbies that keep you out and active and happy. The only thing to do really is find your own life again and treat him a bit meaner and see how he likes a mild dose of his own medicine. If you get happier and have more of a life without him he should become more interested and treat you better. And it is healthy to have as many outside interests as you can. Then if it doesn't get better and you do decide to leave you'll find it easier to set up on your own.

I would also say never let him get away with pretending nothing has happened. I find it the most infuriating tactic in the world and the more you let it go the more it becomes the norm. If you have a reason to be angry, don't get over it just becasue he acts like nothing is wrong.

One final point though, it is your home too and you are the mother with a son - at least in the short term if it comes to it he should be moving out not you, that's perfectly reasonable practise.

(I'm sorry but I note yesterday you were asking about ex-wife problems with your husband of about 5 years? Not sure how it all ties in but I'd definitely say if these are both your problems, too much is too much!)

Answer 3

I left my husband two years ago now. The problems were really bad just before Christmas, but like yourself I had the added problem of when to do it as having two kids myself and it being right near Christmas I felt guilty. Alas I battled with my conscience and decided to leave in the new year, however once christmas day and boxing day were over I just had to go......felt it was a bit of a now or never situation. I left on the 27th dec. It was a very miserable period of time. (Like you I still loved my husband but we simply couldnt live together anymore, we were both hurting so much) anyway after about 6 turbulent weeks apart and rowing non stop we said look lets not argue, thats why its we've split up to put a stop to all this. Since then we have given it our all to build on a good friendship for the sake of our children. We both have new people in our lives and all get along fine. Just try to be strong. Make sure its definately what you want....so many people regret it down the line. Is it really at crisis point? Could you work at it? Ask yourself these questions and then make a descision. I feel for you, I really do. Goodluck to you hun. Hope all goes well x x x

Answer 4

Hi, i was in a similar situation with 2 young kids and i left my now ex husband. like you i had no family around but because i had the threat of violence i was housed by the local council. If you own your own home and there is no threats the council will not help, you would be best going to see a solicitor on a free advice hour just to see when you stand legally, if you really are set to leave then i would start putting money away on the quiet incase you have to rent privately for a while. Its a big step so think very carefully and good luck.

Answer 5

You are going to have a tough time trying to find somewhere for you and your son over Christmas. I am sorry to say you may be better off gritting your teeth and bearing it until the New Year. Then I suggest you find a small place to rent so you and your son can leave. If he is being like this towards you, he may well end up behaving the same way towards your son. I assume you have tried to amend this in the past but with no results. Just make sure you are working and providing for your son because he sounds like the kind of spiteful person who would go for custody of your son just to get at you.

Answer 6

You don't say if he has any worries or troubles at the moment so I can only think that he has some control issues. Try one more talk to see if he does have any troubles but if you get the same response put on a brave face try and make christmas good with your son and after christmas leave. Do you have a good friend you can stay with or worst comes to worst get the number for your local refuge, what he is doing is mental abuse and its not right.

Answer 7

I grew up in that environment (but with terrible violence) and although you have a duty as a wife you also have a duty first and foremost as a mother...That is abuse, it does not matter how you dress it up, and he does not have to hit you to be that way...
You need to show your husband that you will not tolerate it because a man only does to a woman what she allows him to...And your son is at the age where he will pick up things and think that this is an acceptable way to treat women in later life...
I dont believe Xmas would be a good one for you as he will not change over night...can you not stay with family for Xmas? or arrange to go away...Your home is your sanctuary, if you dont have peace there, where will you? You need to teach this man that you will not put up and shut up, becuase then it also means that he stood at that altar and never meant one word he was saying to your face, he was lying.

Good luck and if you wish to talk further,email me take care xxx

Answer 8

This is emotional abuse which can be every bit as nasty as physical abuse. It is drip fed in slowly, so that we don't even notice it is happening to us, and then suddenly one day we think hang on something's not right, but cant quite pinpoint what it is.

I would suggest that you have a clear plan in mind before uprooting your child from his home, especially at this time of year, as the fallout from your separation from your husband will have to happen.

Let your child enjoy this time, but please make a resolution that the year ahead will bring about changes that will enable you and your son to live in a happier and healthier environment. The impact of your present arrangements on your son will be great and this negativity between his parents will shape his future personality and behaviour.

There is help available to women in your position, be brave and take one step at a time, you should not live in fear and misery waiting for the next down time from your husband, he should be looking after his family rather than bringing on a whole load of misery each time he feels like it.

You and your son do not have to live this way, your husband is showing absoluetly no respect for you, if he respected you he would not treat you in such a mean minded way. You will gradually loose respect for yourself and be trapped into a way of life that you cannot escape. Take action as soon as you are clear in your mind, where you can go and how you can get the help you need, before you become disempowered to do so.

Even if you have only temporary accommodation for a while you will have taken the first step to a better way of life, free of mental bullying.

Answer 9

This is not going to get better. You have to decide if you should leave now or after Christmas. He is abusive and it will get worse. See if there is a battered shelter (even if he is only verabally abusive) or a battered women's hotline and tell them what is going on and what are your options. You need to do this right away because there are things you should be working on. Good luck.

Answer 10

ur husband is egocentric and is unstable emotionally. that means u are never sure where u are with him. if u stay u are goihng to get more and more confused, more drawn in to his bizarre behavior. if u leave u have to deal with loss of relationship, home and stability for ur child.

for me the deciding factor wd be my son. how is my present relationship affecting him? how does the abuse impact on him? what kind of role model is his father? is he also being abused? am i able to be the best mother i can be while in this emotionally abusive relationship?

u are an adult u can take care of urself. but ur son is only 9 and needs a mum who is ok