This is really important. Please help...?

Question

When I was 15 I was raped by my boyfriend at the time. We'll call him Tim. I didn't tell my parents or the police (please don't lecture, I did the right thing for me) but I told my best friend at the time (and best friend of 7 years).

At the time she was really rude about it and called me a liar and said we couldn't be friends anymore. She became best friends with the boy who raped me and ditched me.

I was really upset about it, but I knew that she obviously wasn't a true friend. Since then we havn't spoken much. Only when we were forced to. I'm 18 now and she's 17. She just got out of a 3 year relationship.

Today I had to go along to her house (for her Mum to sign some paper work for me) and we just had light conversation. She said to me oh and guess what.. 'Tim is in love with me'. I was like oh that's great and she replied 'yeah I don't know how I feel though'.

I can't believe she would even consider this. What should I do?

I know she's just being clingy and looking for the rebound, but she knows what happened.

I'm not going to the police, don't even suggest it. I've made my choice about this and it's not as easy and you may think. So please don't judge.

Thank you.

Thanks. Yeah I know.

She's a cocker spaniel lab x. Thanks =]

I have a feeling that if I get involved she's going to want to prove me wrong at all costs. Thanks for not judging.

I've spoken to counselors. This isn't about me, this is about her. How could I just sit back and watch someone possibly get hurt like this?

Spelling Nazi- I was going to address you privately but email, but yours is private.

Because I have found ways of dealing with this and I'm a lot stronger than you appear, I do not take offense to this. I have my own personal reasons for not going to the police, none which you are aware of and you never will be.

I strongly recommend that in future you never call a rape victim a liar. You could do even more emotional damage to him/her.

Even if you are 99% sure that the person is lying, please believe them.

Anyway, why would I lie about this? Why would I lose my best friend over this?

I have actually spoken to counselors and doctors about this.

H-man I wouldn't be prepared to take that risk, it's not worth it.

Answer 1

It's obvious why she called you a liar back then - she already liked him then.

I am sorry to read your story. No-one should have to go through that.

But having said that, you can not determine how your friend leads her life. You can only tell her, and then stand back as she makes her own choices.

The fact you don't agree with her choices really does not enter in to it - she has all the facts, now it's up to her to choose. If she chooses different from what you would have wanted her to - then there is nothing you can do about it.

Agreeing with people is easy when they think the same way we do. It takes real strength and character to accept choices different from your own.

Answer 2

Dear Sarah,

There is not a whole lot you can do, other than apprizing your friend's parent's of Tim's history. I am sure, they would see to it; he stays away, from her.

However, I think, it would be most appropriate; you tell your mother first. You may find it liberating. You state, you made a correct choice, in not coming forward, when the rape occurred. Consider, re-evaluating your choice. Was it truly the correct choice, or was it an error in your judgment?

Regardless, is maintaining your silence now, the correct choice. Remember, you make the choice to maintain your silence every day. Does it still feel as right today, as it did three years ago?

Most importantly, you need to keep your distance from the whole situation. You can't really help, and you can get hurt.

Larry

Answer 3

As I say, you can tell people things, but they have to decide whether or not to listen. You've warned her what Tim is really like, she might need a reminder, but other than that there is nothing you CAN do.

Good advice I got from a friend was as follows. "Jesus, the Son of God came to Earth, did miracles, raised the dead, and told people how to live a better happier life by loving each other and most people didn't listen to Him either. Why should YOU expect everyone to listen when you tell them the truth?"

When you look at it that way, it helps. I can't even get dough to rise, so who would listen to me if they didn't want to?

You're a great person and you do your best. Be happy with that, ok?

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear that happen to you.But I would think that if your *best friend* decided to not believe you and to no longer be friends after you told her, then she was never your *best friend* (sorry to have to break it to you). Also If I was you I would no longer have anything at all to do with her just for the fact that she did not stand by your side when this happend to you. It sounds to me like she had her site on one thing and the guy was it. So I would not say anything to her about him being in love with her . Let her live and learn by her mistakes.One day she will wake up to reality. Move on with your life and do the best you can ( we only get one try at this ) God Bless , * Learn from the past, don't live in it *

Answer 5

Wabby,you have done all you really can do to try help her avoid a similar incident.Unfortunately we can not prevent someone from making mistakes regardless of our good intentions.Do not carry any guilt or worry over this as your friend is responsible for her own choices.( not that anyone has a choice in getting rape but she could stop seeing him)All you can do is be their for her as a friend if her world does come crashing down, if you think that is a good response for you.She has been forwarned ,it is her choice how she uses this info.Take care.

Answer 6

Wabby, my first thought is that this girl is having second thoughts about this fella Tim.

She doesn't know how she feels.

Has she been thinking about Tim and you, and perhaps thinking the same could happen to her.

In hindsight, it is easy to say now, that you could have added a comment like,"you know what happened to me"

Three years can bring a lot of changes to a boy, he may have more self control now.

Answer 7

unfortunatly there isn't anything you can do. the chickie is just dense. You've warned her. Part of growing up is learning who to trust and what to believe. She is about to get a good life lesson. I would never lecture you on that subject because i made the same choice as you about the police. I can tell you this if you get involved in this situation it is just going to dredge up those emotions again. You simply have to tell her that you don't agree with her dating him, but if she needs you you will be there for her. Leave it at that and walk away. get on with your life. you are to good to be involved in that situation. and you have worked to hard to let her sabbotoge your emotions. Let it go baby.

Answer 8

It sounds like she likes him, and didn't want to believe anything bad about him, so in turn, was in denial. You're right, she wasnt a true friend. I believe that the best thign to do is just leave them alone. You did what you believed was best for you. Do what you think is best now.....if you have to, cut her out of your life. She only said that she thought he loved her to get a rise out of you. To see if it would hurt you. You don't need that in your life. You have tried to tell her what happened to you in hopes it wont to her. And that's all you can do. Interfering might make it worse.

Answer 9

Look being raped must have been really hard but the thing is your better than her.
She was to stupid not to believe you. Anyone to lie about rape is a sick ***** but your "friend" didn't believe you now shes came crawling to help.
You have to options:
Leave her don't give her ANY advice and when she drys wolf leave her.
Be a real friend to her and help her but the fact she didn't believe you but its all up to you.

Answer 10

Hi Wabby, Sweetie the best thing you can do is just walk away from her problems that only bring bad memories. She was never a true friend to start out with.
A Friend,
poppy1