Husband began chatting with old friend from highschool. Female, 40s, single recently...should I worry?

Question

He grew up with her family since he was born. They haven't seen each other in a long time, and she has lived in Alaska. When I first met him, he chatted with her sometimes, and I was not worried, but suddenly, out of nowhere, they are in contact again, and now he has her number and her daughter's number in his cell phone, and he is chatting with her on Yahoo Messenger. We are having issues maritally, related to his sister disliking me (without any real reason), and it has strained our marriage. Do you think I should worry? I think she called Leann and asked her to get hold of Steven or something. Suddenly, his friend Brian (who is a horrible man who hates me terribly for marrying his friend and taking him away ...which is very childish), came out of nowhere to visit also, after a long time no see. I am afraid his sister is calling these people to run me off. I am really worried about our marriage at this point. There are problems from every angle.

Also, she has recently (within the past few months) moved back to our town in California. I am concerned that his sister asked her to contact him, because she does not want us together. I am concerned that he is talking with this woman, and he is keeping things from me. He didn't tell me. I found her number on his phone and he hadn't told me. I'm just worrying myself sick over this and I don't want to say anything to him to inflate an issue. He has chatted with a woman in the past and asked her out on a date...I found out, caught him and we are still together. I am worried that he still has a wandering eye. What do I do? What would you do if you were me? Am I over-reacting? I know she's a lifetime friend, although gone for a long time, but I also know he had a crush on her in highschool and growing up and that makes it much, much worse for me to digest.

cms1977: I did confront her and last night she apologized. She admits she has been really hard on me without foundation. It has, however, wedged our marriage with issues that run so deep I am not even discussing them with him. When I talk, he shuts down, so I don't talk anymore. I can't make love to him, I can't feel much...I am just so depressed, I can't function.

This old friend who he was head over heels in crushed on in younger years worries me sick, because in our marriage, it seems everytime there are issues, he tells me one thing and everyone else another. He tells me we are staying together, and yet, he tells sisters/family/friends he is miserable. I don't know what to think. We have a communication barrier and I can't trust him because of the past.

I am genuinely worried. I am not worried because I am paranoid. I am paranoid because there is another, single woman, talking with my husband who didn't tell me and i find it discomforting he hid it from me.

Answer 1

If these outside people are affecting your marriage that badly, then your marriage was never that strong to begin with. You have bigger issues than a mean sister in law. Get counseling.

Answer 2

All marriages have problems. Many can be worked out..some can't. I have to wonder what it is about you that makes you not get along with his sister and best friend. That's not good as these are important people in his life. There must be a reason besides what you think the reason is. I can see where you would be worried because she is single and that poses a threat to many women. Either your love is strong enough and trusting or it isn't . If he has nothing to hide, why don't you talk to her too? They knew each other all their lives. If it is innocent, he should be okay with you sitting next to him or seeing the emails. The IM's are a little more private but can be checked unless he knows how to hide them or get rid of them. See what his reaction is if you ask his dear old friend to come to dinner or ask if you may email her so the both of you can be good friends with her. His reaction will speak volumes. No one can run anyone out of a marriage unless they want to run. Good luck and try to make things right with his best friend and sister. That has to be a big bone of contention in your marriage.

Answer 3

Yes, you've given several reasons to worry.

Urgent you read Divorce Busters immediately. It tells you how to deal with cheaters and the other woman. While waiting for the book:

-Do not accuse him without evidence. Check his email, cell phone detailed bill and see how often they are calling. Collect all evidence and put it away in case you need it for divorce court.

-If you find something inappropriate, then ask him to call her in front of you (so you know it's over) and tell her not to contact him ever again, by text, phone, email, messenger, etc. ever. Remind him of the vow "forsaking all others" and how would he like it if you were calling another man and messaging him privately - it is an unwise friendship. Does she even know he's married.

-If she calls your phone and you answer - be prepared for what you want to tell her "hands off my husband" or whatever. If she does not agree to leave him alone you can apply social pressure by telling her parents, children, family, other classmates, etc. what a whore she is for seeing a married man!

-The hard part, you must be more charming, prettier, kinder, more loving than her. Make your home wonderful to come home to, play soft classical music to relax him. Kiss him hello and goodbye and goodnight. Cuddle up to him when he watches TV. Cook his favorite foods. Bring him tea or a cup of coffee. Be cheerful, don't complain, nag, or argue.

-Make him feel handsome and important. Give him a compliment each day. Ask for his opinions on things so he can feel important.

-Turn these enemies into friends. Yes, it's a challenge, but worth it before they wreck your life. Invite his sister to lunch (you pay) and be so sweet to her. Tell her she has great taste and ask her opinion of something that doesn't really matter so she can feel important. Treat her like your best friend, but give her no ammunition she can use against you. Let her do most of the talking and tell her how clever she is. Invite Brian over for Christmas or for game or football night and serve him a platter of treats and flatter him a bit.

-Look for the single highschool friend on classmates.com and see if you can find any info on her

These are only suggestions: of course you will have to decide what is right for you!

Joy to you....

Answer 4

Oh yes, you should worry. Women are 3D chess players and it definitely sounds like his sister is playing the game. You should also worry anytime your man is chatting with another woman regularly. I suggest you tell your husband that you don't want him calling or messaging this woman regularly. Take time to strengthen your bond. Go out, wear something sexy, change your hair, give him massages, and surprise him with sexual favors. When you're with other people as a couple, make sure they're people he likes and ones who are POSITIVE toward you as a couple. Throw a few cocktail or dinner parties to get the hang of it before considering inviting this woman or his sister or friend. Don't invite them all together if at all. Suggest your husband have outings with his friend and support him having fun. These things will help your husband know that you don't mind him having friends, but in an appropriate context. You're going to have to make yourself more interesting. Take up a hobby so you'll have something new to tell him about. Dress in your trench coat and nothing else and slip out the back door. Sneak around to the front of the house and ring the bell. When he answers, flash him! Go out with your friends, get some new clothes, laugh. When he's not with you, spend your time with people who are positive towards YOU and rejuvenate yourself so you'll be able to handle these negative characters that hover around your marriage. Pamper yourself when you're alone. Women throughout history have had to to step up their game at one time or another. You can do it.

Now that you've added the extra information, my advice is get marriage counseling.

Answer 5

You are in an emotional state. The uncertainty in your marriage is driving you to look rather too closely at all issues. Your husband's association with this woman can be harmless or it can eventually go the way you don't want it to go.

You have no control over it. What you can control now is your anxiety. Be happy and loving. Do things you like to do. Stop bothering about his sister and this friend.

So what if he had a crush then... he married you, didn't he? Enjoy the festive season... shop, read, meet friends and family and be merry!

Answer 6

Both parties have to work at a marriage to keep it alive, both emotionally and physically. What you are really worried about is if your husband loves you enough not to wander. If the answer isn't a resounding yes, than you need to bring your relationship up a notch or to.
Try a traveling seminar by Family Life called 'A Weekend To Remember'. My wife and I went to this and it saved our marriage. It really makes you appreciate one another.

Answer 7

Normally I would say don't worry about it because I firmly believe in platonic friendships (they do exist, I've had MANY). BUT, you said you are already having issues within the marriage and that would worry me. You don't necessarily need to tell him to cut it out but you do need to tell him that you both need to work out the issues. If his sister is meddling you need to sit her down and confront her in a mild way, head on. Don't let her step all over you and if she has "no real reason" for her meddling, all the more reason for you to call her out and clear these shenanigans up.

Answer 8

I would ask questions, watch, and wait. It could be nothing. Untill you have hard evidence that something is happening, don't worry. It may just be a platonic thing. If they were friends when they were younger, nostalgia has a strange way of not letting people see that they look guilty. He may not realize that it's bothering you that he chats with this woman.

I would just confront him, and see what he says. IF he denies it, then take his word for it until you've supporting proof of your worries.

Cheers

Answer 9

When you love someone you care what they think and how they feel. If he knows that this is bothering you then he should not be doing it. If he knows and does not care that should tell you a lot. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.
You may be a bit paranoid about the sister calling on people to interfere. Sit and talk to your husband about the marraige. Tell him that you love him and that you have concerns. Remember to talk not to argue. Be sure to let him know you care. Don't be accusatory.

Answer 10

on the one hand you do not make love to him. on the other hand you are concerned about a single woman talking to your husband.

if you are not making love to him and if he is healthy, he may find it somewhere else.

here is what you need to do to kind of get things back on track;

first , start by keeping yourself clean and well groomed in all respects.

when he comes home welcome him with a hug and a kiss. he might be surprised. let him know you love him and want to get past current problems. tell him you want to get things back on track.

he is clearly undecided. his sister and others are trying to influence him. you have the equiptment to turn things around.

make his favorite meals.

get to bed earlier and try to get him to bed too without nagging.

play with his pogo stick and see if you still control his temperature. very likely your body will respond in kind. if he wants it, let him have it.

keep being nice to him which will give him reason to stay home with you and keep coming back for more.

keep working on him till you get him back in the pen. at which point you will need to work even harder.

try to keep his interest so that he wants you and not the competitive young heifer. a young heifer will be well equipped to entice. but you have the inside track and you likely still have his number.

work your thing.

no nagging.

don't show any jealousy just stay on your mission. jealousy can indicate weakness. be strong.

just be a really sweet loving wife and you will have him eating out of your hand and your plate.

good luck

Answer 11

Talk to him and tell him how you feel without accusing him. Trust your gut. If something smells fishy, it just could be. Do what you can to repair your relationship to his sister. If he doesn't listen, just start acting opposite in ways you would normally around him. He'll start to doubt himself and wonder what's wrong. He may be willing to listen more if he's a little insecure :D