It is a catholic school and im in 8th grade and i really want to get in. so please tell me what i should change..little or big..
THE TOPIC:
Describe a person who has been important in your life. This should be someone who has personally touched your life and in some way made a difference in your life. You should include why you admire this person, how you might like to emulate him or her, and a concrete example(s) that illustrates his or her importance in your life.
MY ESSAY:
Many people have come and gone throughout my life and have had an effect on who I am today. One person in particular who stands out to me is my grandmother. She currently lives in another country, but I had the privilege of knowing over the few years she spent living with my family. About two years ago, my dad lost his job, so my family went through a difficult time. I couldn’t always do things I wanted to because of my parents’ money problems. My grandmother couldn’t help with
2007-12-06 13:30:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Politics & Government ➔ Politics
financial issues, but she knew how to spread joy to other people and make the best of things. She contributed by doing little things such as washing the dishes or assisting me with homework. When I was a young child, she tried to teach me right from wrong like every child should learn. If I was unhappy, she would tell me to pray and be thankful to God for things I have.
With the help of my grandmother and God, my family is doing fine now, but I know that my grandmother has influenced the many wonderful things that have happened. She moved back to her home country, but we still talk to each other all the time. Things which I would like to emulate about her are her ability to make the best of things and her generosity towards others. I know that emulating these qualities will make me a better person and help me in the future.
What do you think? IT NEEDS TO BE EXCELLENT!! please help
2007-12-06 13:31:36 · update #1
OH AND IT CANT EXCEED 250 WORDS AND MINE IS 249 WORDS
2007-12-06 13:32:09 · update #2
HAHA! i did it all by myself :)
2007-12-06 13:37:44 · update #3
For one thing, it looks like someone helped you, particularly when you use the word "emulate."
Otherwise, it's better than what a lot of high school seniors submit to colleges and universities. I think you should feel confident about it.
(Late in the essay, change the word "towards" to "toward.")
2007-12-06 13:36:37 · answer #1 · answered by Buying is Voting 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You have done a nice jobs but may have taken too many suggestions. It has improved over last nights rendition. However, it is beginning to sound a little too far beyond 8th grade. The people who review for entry into Catholic school will look for that as well as a well written story and may suspect that it is not your work. That can back fire. They are not looking for perfect English and literary luminosity. Generally, they are looking for a certain level of capacity for expression such you can tell a story, your thoughts are coherent, you have a logical flow of thought, etc. If you write a perfect essay, which no one other then the pros can, they may be suspicious.
Don't sweat it and keep it in your own words. What you have is great.
2007-12-06 21:46:34 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in ninth grade and had to do something similar to this last year. You have a very well written essay and the only minor thing that I would fix was in the end you used a form of emulate, I think twice. Otherwise, well done and I would say that your essay is nearing very close to "excellent." Good luck and I hope you get into the school you want. Your grandma sounds like a very kind person. :)
2007-12-06 21:38:19 · answer #3 · answered by xoxoxoxo 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
change but i had the privilege of knowing over the few years she spent.... to this:
I've had the privilege of knowing her and when she lived with us for a few years when i was younger it certainly couldn't have came at a better time as my father lost his job. One could almost suggest that God himself was using her to look after us.
this implies she is still alive and you bring out her attributes and make them feel sorry for you. also, be as formal as possible. if you're going to say grandmother, then say father. saying dad makes you sound too casual. also, being that it is a catholic school, throw some more in there about god and how much he means to you. they love to hear that. maybe include some of your ambitions and what the school can do for your future as well as family. they want to feel needed as well. good luck kid
2007-12-06 21:43:49 · answer #4 · answered by Cleveland Rocks 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no offense, but this is in the wrong section
but anyway,
looking over it, this sentence stands out
"Things which I would like to emulate about her are her ability to make the best of things and her generosity towards others."
i think it would be better as "I admire her ability to make the best of things, and her generosity towards others. It's a quality i hope to develop as i grow up"
or something
2007-12-06 21:35:53 · answer #5 · answered by . 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its good. If you want to trim anything to make room for other things, you probably dont need the first sentence. You write very well for 8th grade. You could probably give some lessons to some here on Answers. Good luck.
2007-12-06 21:39:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's beautiful the way it is. You are lucky to have such a wonderful Grandmother and your Grandmother is lucky to have you. God Bless you both. A star for your post.
2007-12-06 21:35:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very good.It can be tightened up.Please email us to let us know what happened.
Yours In Christ.
P/s Trust HIM to help you.Say a little prayer before you write(And submit)
2007-12-07 01:29:41 · answer #8 · answered by ak6702 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's great the way it is. If that's truly a story from your heart, it makes it excellent already. I'm serious.
2007-12-06 21:45:38 · answer #9 · answered by Lynne D 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋