In need of advice.?

Question

I am 21 year old female with a boy of five and a girl of 3. I had my first born at the age of sixteen. I am a great mother..so iv'e been told. I care for my children at home they've never been taken care of by anyone else. I dropped out of highschool so I dont even have a diploma. I am legaly married to my childrens father. I've been with him since I was 15. However he has a drinking problem. He is not violent towards me or the children, but I feeel as though he neglects the children and me. He works as a maintanance man in the apartment complex we live in . He's been there for the past 5 years.it's just that lately he's been coming home late, drinking with his co workers, and has seemed to lose interest in his us. I suffer from severe depression from being at home all the time. I always look forward to him coming home. Lately I just feel that all this staying at home is whats causing me to be depressed and stressed. I have no place to go tho...I have no job. I feel hopeless.

Thanyou to evryone who gave me a supportive answer it means alot. He is 28 by the way. I do plan on getting my G.E.D. pretty soon. I'm just waiting for my youngest one to start pre-k this coming year. Might as well, i've come this far right? Oh and to steven L, this is not made up...I wish it was.

Oh...... my mother is currently in rehab shell be there for 6 months. me and her dont have a great relationship because of her drinking problem, but shes always been there for my kids. As for my father,..he's never been in the picture.

Answer 1

First let me say GREAT JOB for hanging in there and not giving up on yourself or family! I also think it is great that you are taking the first step and asking for advice. There are many factors right now that are causing you to feel depressed and stressed and it is VERY understandable. Most of the factors have already existed and have just become more difficult. There are many things that you need to do to accomplish all of what you have asked. Please keep in mind your willingness to keep as positive as possible even in the most difficult of times, will get you through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel (EVERY TUNNEL)! There might be more than just some times that you take a few steps back, in order to take a step forward. My advise for you is to FIRST seek counseling and for yourself. You may want to start this step off with a visit to your (reg.) dr. to make sure all else is okay and he/she can refer you to someone. During the visit let him/her know how you are feeling, this doesn't mean you are going there for or need meds. When you begin seeing the counselor, let him/her know your goals, concerns etc. It is important on many different levels for someone to guide you. Although you have been the only one caring for your children, it is okay for them to go to day care for a few days during the week. It is also very normal to feel the way you do, other mothers feel this way too! By going to a counselor, he/she can help you with getting your GED, a job, daycare, help cope with your husband and his drinking problem, and help give you the support you need to stay focused. There are a lot of programs within county's and states, that the counselor can give you info on. Please, I beg of you to make this first step. You can do it I know you can. It would be difficult for you to try to do it all on your own by just going out getting a job, putting kids in day care, getting your GED, and on and on and on.....It sounds to me like you are already burntout and thats why you are asking for help. Please know Hope does exist, we just need to believe in it! You are not in this alone and cannot do this alone. If someone you know wants to help you, accept it, let them give you the extra hand. If there is someone you feel comfortable with and trust ASK for help. It is important for you to be able to have some alone time of your own and some fun. The counselor can also help you approach your husband's drinking problem appropriately. I don't know if you are familiar with this addiction, but what you DO NOT want to do is tell him he has a problem or confront him in any such way. The counselor can help you with this. In every relationship it is VERY important for communication. I understand you miss his prescence. It seems like you are a very strong women! Please remember we can't and don't always have to be the strong ones, sometimes we have to let others be part of our stregnth to get through the challenges life brings our way. Take each step as it comes and literally ONE step at a TIME...and in do time you will get there. We can't change the past, but we CAN learn from it. We can do things differently now. It is important to think before we act and not repeat history. I know life may feel like a roller coaster at times, but I know you can get through it just keep positive. OH remember that light...it's at the end of your tunnel waiting for you to see it. Hang in there, the bumpy roads will get smoother for you, for your children, for your husband, your marriage and your family!! Now you can do it , believe in yourself....I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

Answer 2

You are changing and will become more aware of your needs and wants. Unfortunately, you are not enjoying life as a young women. First, get your High diploma (GED). Second, look for a part time job while the kids are in school. Third, let your husband know that you are not happy in the marriage. Statistics show that people who married @ a young age have a higher rate of divorce.
Depression has to do with your inner feeling and desires to succeed in life. You probably are wondering what your life would have been if you had not married @ a young age...well there is nothing you can do about the past however, look forward to a brighter future.
If you husband continues to drink he will eventually become an alcoholic, if he is not already one. Try to offer your children a stable future and loving life. check out this website it has helped me with my tribulations.

Answer 3

You need to think long-term.

Given your circumstances, you are probably not going to be able to do anything for yourself for another few years (at least until both children are enrolled in school). After that, you may be able to better yourself. It seems like you regret not having an education, so while you're at home, you may want to plan what your life will be like after the children enroll in school. Maybe you'll have time to get your diploma. Maybe you can learn a trade.

Some school systems also offer a program called "Evenstart", (or some equivalent). It provides care for youngsters, while the young mothers finish their education. Contact your local school system and see if they have anything similar to this. It can't hurt to ask.

In the meantime, you need to establish some fair parameters with your husband. How many times a week is it okay to go out with co-workers? How late is an acceptable time to come home? He shouldn't have no life outside of the house, but obviously he needs to balance that with his responsibilities as a husband and father.

I wish you well.

Answer 4

Okay so you got pregnant and married a loser. He could grow up and change, you didnt say how old he was . Some guys dont grow up until they are 35.

Number one, you have to think of your kids. Your kids will be in school soon. When they go YOU go. If you can do night school, do it. Tell your husband that you need him to watch the kids X night a week and he needs to be there. Don't Ask, tell him. Lay down the law. Make sure you tell his mom you want to get your GED, so that when the kids grow old enough to go to school you can help contribute to the family.

Make sure you don't have any more children. You know what to do.

Get your GED, and when the kids get into school...get yourself a job. When you get your self respect back you can view your situation in a better way. You are young enough to get yourself out of this.

By the way he may feel trapped too. I dont think leaving him, disrupting your children with no where to go no money and no prospects for self sufficiency is the wise thing to do.

Good luck, and keep your head up!

Answer 5

I feel really bad for you. Is there any way you can afford child care for a day or 2 per week to give you some time to do things you enjoy? Maybe a mothers day out program at a church or something similar? Maybe you could get a part time job, even if it's minimum wage? You might enjoy being around others? Sounds like your husband is not dedicated to you or the kids. You may be headed for divorce unless he changes his ways and starts providing something other than a paycheck. You need some emotional support. You've got to put yourself in a position to have friends and feel good about yourself. Talk to your doctor about your depression if you haven't already. Take something for it. Don't be ashamed. Depression is serious and can affect anyone. I hope you feel better soon. You sound like you really deserve it.

Answer 6

no! dont feel hopeless!
its a big step u even notice that you have a problem with staying home and with the drinking of ur husband.
i know im not in the same situation as u. but if i were u . i would confront him and if that doesnt work. seperation would help. maybe he will wake up and realize that his drinking is affecting you and the kids.
as for your own "fun" you can find a couple of girl friends online. which would need alot of time. and as for u . u have alot of it and one day just go out . find a babysitter and have some fun
maybe movies, or something
or talk to someone.
i know im a complete stranger but hey if u needa talk .
im here. i know what ur going thru .cuz my dad is an alcoholic
and im afraid that will have a BIG affect on ur kids.
since he is like never home

if u need anything else.
just e-mail me or something

take care
and THINK of being happy
it trully helps.i do it all the time.
this is what u do.
when ur sad.? think to urself. what will i get outta being sad. if the anwser is nothing happy
change the way ur thinking.
think of being happy. im sure it'll get better

Answer 7

can you turn to your parents for help? You seem to be very responsible, raising your two children all on your own. I would try and get your GED that might help you get a decent job. I know you seem proud to raise your children, but you might want to think of child care...or even family members so you can work...that might help with the depression...if it is because you never get out. As for the husband...you were both young, so you prolly just grew apart and maybe should move on. I think you are doing the best you can given the current situation, most teen mothers can't even handle one kid...you should be proud that people tell you that you are a good mother!! GOOD LUCK HUN!!

Answer 8

You just need to hang in there!!! I'm 23 and just had a baby 4 months ago. My husband is gone for nearly 12 hours a day at work...and then we are sleeping for another 6 or so hours. We don't spend much time together and I really don't have any family nearby. All my friends have gone separate ways and I'm all alone by myself in the house...and I can tell you that I am depressed too. It is hard to explain but I know what you are going through! I just want you to know that through everything you have two wonderful children that love you and you are doing a wonderful job!! Are there any local mothers groups you could join?? How about contacting a local church to see if there are any family activities going on?? I know it is hard to get out there and meet people...I haven't even done so myself, but maybe you can meet someone in your area that is in a similar situation. Feel free to email me if you want to talk to someone. I know how hard it really is to be alone and stressed out!! Good Luck

Answer 9

I'm really sorry that your in that situation, my mom went through a similar situation with my dad, The only thing that i can tell you is to get a job so that your not dependent on your husband because if he keeps drinking you are going to end up in the hospital because your depression will get worse. Ask your husband to get help for his problem, if he refuses it's best that you leave him because he will begin to bring you and your your children down and your life will become very stressful. He may not be violent now but its only a matter of time before he starts to hit you. if he doesnt get help he'll continue to neglect you and you kids, he'll become distant, he is likley to just come home and pass out every night he drinks and he may not devote much family time. For example it was nearly impossible to get my dad to sit down and watch a movie with us or play any family games, he would rather watch tv in his room or sleep. If He won't quit to keep his family together you need to get away from him.

Good luck

Answer 10

Well, since you dont have anywhere to go, and your children are small, i take it that the money is tight too, but you do have a computer, try online bussiness, try doing the ebay thing, try earning some cash on your side, once you do that, your options wont be that limited,anyone who has to be stucked in a house with the kids 24/7 is going to get depressed, do something on your own with the kids, go to the park, go window shopping, dont stay at home, youre gonna go crazy, where are your parents anyway???

Answer 11

Well, the kids need to be in a daycare so they have social skills before they start school. Start with just putting them in for a few days a week, then have them go everyday. They'll learn other things besides ABC's. When they are their you can look for a job. You'd be surprised what kind of job you'd get. Maybe you can work towards getting your GED. Set goals for yourself & work everyday to obtain them. You will feel a lot better about yourself. Try to find some friends and alternate with your husband on who gets to go out.