Is This Good?

Question

I was bored the other day, so I just started writing...but I wanna know if this sounds good or if you guys have any advice.

Run. Run! That was all I could think but my feet did nothing. I wished I could run, dreamed it. But I couldn’t. As I stared into the eyes of fastly approaching man/my capture, I knew this would not end well. I knew I had to do something, but what I didn’t even know. I inched backward and my capture inched forward, he knew I could nothing. I dash and he grabbed me. I felt a pain I had never felt before as he tightened his grip. I fought to breathe as he squeezed me like a starving boa squeezing his prey. “Please.” I gasped. With an instant he let me go and stared at me with disgust. I was weak and mad at myself for not running when I had the chance. “Foolish girl, why would I kill you when I need you?” he spat like he loathed the words coming out of his mouth. “Take me to the ___, and I might spare your life.”

I stared at him like he was crazy because he was. “I don’t know what your—” “THE _____!” he yelled, cutting me off. “Please…just let me go. I—” I whispered. “Let you go?!” He laughed a worst tone I have ever heard, only making me more afraid. How I got here I don’t even know. How I was going to get out was an even bigger mystery. He moved toward me and I flinched, hoping he wouldn’t grab me again. He balled him hand into a fist and punched the wall, leaving a whole the size of ____ and tear slipped down my cold cheek. “Don’t you look at me and cry,” he said. I bit my bottom lip to stop the trembling, and touched my heart shaped necklace. “You must be mistaken. You have the wrong girl, I—” I was really getting tired of him cutting me off. “You are not the wrong girl…I know your not.” My mind raced and I squeezed my eyes shut. Don’t be afraid. Don’t let people bully you _____. You’re stronger than you think you are, and never forget that. My dad’s words rushed through my mind.

“I can’t dad. I just can’t.” I whispered to myself. He turned toward me and I thought he had heard. “Get up. We’re leaving.” He said like he owned me. “Where are we going?” I asked unsure. He shot me a glance and I knew he would never tell me. “Well I’m not going anywhere with you.” I said defiantly. He laughed again, “Look here girlie. We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” He gave me an ugly stare. “Both end with you coming with me.” He finished and then gave me a challenging stare. I stared right back at him not going to back down, or be timid. I would stand up for myself…maybe. Several minutes passed before he said, “If you don’t come with me right now you’ll be riding in the trunk.” He said never dropping my gaze. I bit my bottom lip. He must have been 3 times bigger than me and had more then 100 pounds. I weighed my options and chances. “If I come with you right now I don’t have to ride in the trunk?” I asked untrustingly. “You will be comfortable.”

He said giving me a wicked smile. “No, I didn’t ask if I would be comfortable, I asked if I had to ride in the TRUNK.” He sighed. “No, you wont have to ride in the trunk. Happy?” I glared at him. “No. I’m not happy. I’d be happy if I weren’t here,” I ground out, and thought…“Do you promise I wont have to ride in the trunk?” he looked at me, his eyes shining, “I promise.” “And why should I trust you?” “I never asked you to. Either believe me or don’t.” I groaned and then pushed past him, trying to at least get him to stumble. He just stood like a brick wall looking at me like I must me out of my mind! How dare he! I ground my teeth. He took the lead and grasped his hand around my forearm. “What are you doing?” I hissed. He just gave me that look again. I mumbled under my breath, hoping he didn’t hear. He pushed the big metal door and a gush of cold wind hit me smack in the face. I shivered, and tried to bite back the freezing cold. We reached his car and he let me go.

He said giving me a wicked smile. “No, I didn’t ask if I would be comfortable, I asked if I had to ride in the TRUNK.” He sighed. “No, you wont have to ride in the trunk. Happy?” I glared at him. “No. I’m not happy. I’d be happy if I weren’t here,” I ground out, and thought…“Do you promise I wont have to ride in the trunk?” he looked at me, his eyes shining, “I promise.” “And why should I trust you?” “I never asked you to. Either believe me or don’t.” I groaned and then pushed past him, trying to at least get him to stumble. He just stood like a brick wall looking at me like I must me out of my mind! How dare he! I ground my teeth. He took the lead and grasped his hand around my forearm. “What are you doing?” I hissed. He just gave me that look again. I mumbled under my breath, hoping he didn’t hear. He pushed the big metal door and a gush of cold wind hit me smack in the face. I shivered, and tried to bite back the freezing cold. We reached his car and he let me go.

I sighed in relief and went to open the car door; he grabbed me again only rougher this time. “What are you doing you lunatic!?” I screamed as he took be to the back of the car. When he popped open the trunk I got what he was going to do. “NO!” I yelled. “If you really think I’m getting in there you’re either crazier or dumber than you look!” he shot me another glace. And I knew he was still going to push me into there. “You promised you w—” I started. He look me dead in the face, “I lied.” He said easily, as he pushed me in.

I know its kinda long sry :) but plz read it

the ____means i dont know what to put there like her name and what he needs her for...

Answer 1

You need a lot of work both in dialogue writing and punctuation.

For instance: "Please." I gasped.

There is no 'period' after please. It's a comma.

Also the following is totally incorrect:

Quote:

I stared at him like he was crazy because he was. “I don’t know what your—” “THE _____!” he yelled, cutting me off. “Please…just let me go. I—” I whispered. “Let you go?!” He laughed a worst tone I have ever heard, only making me more afraid. How I got here I don’t even know.

Unquote

What’s with all those M hyphens? Those long — lines? Those are called m hyphens. They are improperly used. M hyphens are used mostly to show the reader that the next word will be critical or spoken louder than those preceding it. You also never use two different people talking in the same paragraph.

You need to learn how to format dialogue. You also need to learn to punctuate your sentences properly. Some people told you this was good . . . they lied. You need a lot of work. I don't want to upset you, but you'll thank me for it if and when you ever become a true writer. Many of the best have been cut to shreds with reviews.

Get a few books on writing. Grammar, punctuation, dialogue. The library has a ton of them. Don't give up because of what I said here. This critique was for your own good and is part of becoming a writer.

Read this:

Writing a book takes more than just sitting down and putting your idea into words. There are a lot of things that you have to consider.

You need a good grasp of the English language. Spelling and Grammar. You will also need to check and recheck your work. Editors are very expensive these days.

You need to know how to write an effective ‘query letter’ to a literary agent.

Can you write a synopsis that will hold the interest of the agent, and want to make him or her ask for the first three chapters of your work?

Do you know how to outline?

You’ll need to know how to format your manuscript. This includes the fonts that
most agents, editors, and publishers want. You will need to follow submission guidelines just as they are laid down for your submissions. Anything less will result in your manuscript sent back or destroyed unread.

Do you know what Point of View is? (POV) Do you know how to write in First Person Point of View? The can’s and can not’s?

Do you know how to write dialogue? How to format dialogue?

It’s a good idea to know some of the publishing laws. The use of names and places.

These include
o Delivery Of Satisfactory Copy
o Permission for Copyrighted Material
o Grant Of Rights
o Proofreading and Author's Corrections
o Advances and Royalties
o Author's Warranties and Indemnities
o Copies to Author
o Option Clause
Do you know how to get a ‘word count?

Do you know what a prologue is? An epilogue? Do you know how both of them are used and why?

Do you know what the word ‘genre’ means?

You’ll need to know how to use the proper ‘page set up’ for your work. Margins, indents, paragraphs.

Are you prepared to do a lot of ‘research’ involving your work? Many professionals such as, doctors, lawyers, nurses, public accountants, judges, architects, bricklayers, engineers, and police officers read, too.

Do you know what a plot is? A sub-plot?

Can you take rejection and constructive criticism? If you’re easily hurt in the feelings department, then this hobby is not meant for you. Critics will tear you apart or build you up. The best writers in the world “King, Patterson, Koontz, J.K. Rowling, and many others” have been torn up one side and down the other. You can’t please everyone.

If you decide to hire an editor, remember: Your manuscript will be double spaced, which means there will be twice as many pages. A 600 page novel could cost you around $1800.00, some even more depending on what the editor charges a page.

These are the things you must know to work at your craft. But don’t let these things deter you from writing. There are books in libraries and bookstores that can teach you all of these things. Buying these books (if you want to be a serious writer) is the best thing to do. Why? Well, because you can use a yellow marker to highlight all the points of interest. Then you can use the front of the book to make page references to those markings in order to check back on them at a later date, when you need to.

You’ll need to get a copy of Writer’s Market for the current year. This has literary agents whom you can send out query letters to. Some of them allow email queries.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

It's actually not bad! It has an atmosphere, a sense of danger, and despair. You conveyed those quite well.

A few typos or errors:

fastly (I don't think this adjective is correct, "fast" by itself should suffice)

I could nothing (dropped the word "do"?)
my capture (do you mean captor?)

The grammar needs a little polishing but you have a talent!

Answer 3

Good..keep writing!

Answer 4

good, just keep the tenses right
(past present future)
some gramatical errors but otherwise, keep writing!

Answer 5

I really like it! I want to hear the rest! You did a REALLY good job!

Answer 6

I already told you I liked it...sheesh, talk about fishing for compliments!...lol

Answer 7

Haven't I read this before?
Good work...