Would you please review my story?

Question

Any kind of advice is appreciated, including useful criticism.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2447312/1/

Answer 1

first of all, you have a lot of passive voice. "there WERE tales" "WERE accepted blindly." "HAD experienced." This way of writing tones down the impacts, lack active participants, and quite frankly make your work less interesting, more textbook-like.

Which sounds livelier: "there were tales" or "even the bravest of men whispered tales that..."
"and were accepted blindly" or "and those who knew no better blindly beleived them."
"had experienced these things" or "barely escaped to tell the tale"

Part 1: in general, nice build up.

Part 2: decent, but the 5th graph is very exposition-heavy. This would probably work better as an extended flash-back, or, if you don't want to ruin your moment, hint more and get back to the details later.

Give us an additional hint/taste about who Cassandra is. Insomnia isn't enough to get us invested in the character; but the telephone call we are mildly interested but we still feel like an observor: the impact of the caller could/should be chilling, as we should feel it with her.

In general, you have a good solid foundation, and an intriguing premise. You clearly have the skill to write effectively; you have mastered the hard part, and can relax and focus more on shine and polish.

Answer 2

I am a very critical reader and I think the story is very good. I would like to read more and find out what is going on. This link only let me read to the beginning of chapter 3. Maybe because its the last thing I read I have one critique. Don't say she knew she was unconscious, you can't know if you are unconscious. You need to say she thinks she was unconscious like it already happened and she is awake. But very nice and where can I read the entire story?

Answer 3

GOOD JOB!