im with a girl who has been hurt in the past
she s a commitment phobia and is very ambivalence
i like her alot but she told me she has been hurt soo bad
is there any chance for something? or should i give up and just be a friend n pursue another woman?
any tips and advice will be very helpful
thanks
2007-12-06 08:51:14 · 18 answers · asked by Steven 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
just make her feel emotionally safe with u, never judge her, or dismiss what she says, make her feel its safe to share her inter most thoughts with u, and as soon as she sees its a safe place u will win her heart. as time passes and she can see what your all about, her fears of commitment will go away, but it does take some time so u will have to be patient and wait.
2007-12-06 09:02:21 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have deep loving feelings for her you need to stick with her. If you leave you will only serve to strengthen her resolve that she is not meant to be in a good relationship and that there is something wrong with her.
My wife has same type of past and it has been 17 years of constant reinforcing on my part to help her feel better about herself and I am not quite ther yet. She is an awesome person and I love her more than life itself, but she cannot help but feel inadequate about herself. People who go through these things need someone to hang onto them and help build their self esteem back up, but as I have illustrated this can take some time and commitment.
I would tell her in great detail how much you love her and more importantly for her tell her why you love her, then explain to her that she may as well marry you because you will be ther anyway for the rest of her life.
Make her face her demons as well. Have a heated talk about whatever it is that was bad that happened to her and make her say how she was hurt out loud. She needs to get past the bad. If you love her, then love her. If you don't then leave her now to lessen the damage it will cause.
It has been my experience that this type of person when turned will be a faithful loving spouse and you will be hard pressed to find another like her.
It is going to take time and effort on your part, is she worth it?
Yoda out
2007-12-06 09:01:41 · answer #2 · answered by Yoda 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well if your really care for her you'll be patient with her. A person that has been hurt is very delicate. What ever you do make sure your honest with her. Let her know that u are not like that other guy. Make her feel safe with you. Once the trust is there she'll be yours! If she's worth it then don't give up!
2007-12-06 10:23:04 · answer #3 · answered by Joy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She might have a lot of baggage. First decide if you're willing to sift through all that. You have to care a LOT about a person to deal with a slow-to-trust kind of person. Secondly, trust is not something you get for free. It's not freely given, it's earned. SHOW her you're trustworthy. Over time she'll see it, but keep in mind this means you cannot be caught in lies, lie by ommission, etc. Either way, if she's gun-shy, you got a long row to hoe, but it's still doable. :)
2007-12-06 08:57:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
look up articles about transitional relationships .I urge u .If she has this much baggage she might need time to heal on her own . And u might end up really hurt ,because once she recovers she might be ready to be with someone
and that someone might not be u . so, if u want to tag along do so but with caution and date other people or go out with friends so u don't focus so much on her. I think she on the rebound if it hasn't been long since her last relationship (which she was hurt ,but sounds like she is still hurting ) I think u should run for ur life . Rebound relationship never work once she heals she will break it off with you and you'll end up hurting .I'm going through it right now and believe me it hurts like hell.I feel so use.My ex use me to get over his past relationship. And I think this exactly what u have going on.Steven u seem like a nice guy .Get somebody who is ready to love. Save yourself the headaches.The heartache that I'm feeling right now ,could have been prevented if I would got him rid off him. they r clear typical signs of a rebound that she presenting :
all that anger about her past relationships shows she is not over the relationship which leaves no room for a new love Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-12-07 06:07:50 · answer #5 · answered by jamie 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A lot of times women use this as an axcuse to go at a relationship very slowly. They feel a need to be cautious. Or, it may be the truth and only time and committment will show her you are different. Good luck to you.
2007-12-06 08:55:45 · answer #6 · answered by New Nana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand her pain. You can be her friend and don't expect too much from her. She has to heal from her pass. She needs to take each relationship and forgive herself for what happened. If its her or him that things went wrong. She has to cry it all out. She needs to write it all down on paper as part of a process to let it go. IF they all Cheated on her, she needs to be reminded that there is nothing wrong with her,that they had roaming eyes. Let her know that she is beautiful.
She needs to see who she is without a man in her life also.
Ask her these questions:
1)What makes you happy?
2)Who is first in your life?
3)Do you think you are worthy of love?
4)Do you think you are beautiful?
5)I do hope she says yes to all these questions.
She needs to know she is important and she is worthy of your love and anyone else who will come her way.
In time, she needs to let it all go. Being there for her in a time like this, she needs a friend. Let her make all the moves and allow her enough time to angy,but remind her of your feelings for her. Being positive and spending time with her.
The very best to her and you.
2007-12-06 09:34:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have huge committment issues and worry about entrusting my heart to another. But I also know that if the right man would come along and show me that he isn't like all the others then I'd open up and let him in eventually.
2007-12-06 08:57:29 · answer #8 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There really isn't much you can do, she needs to be able to deal with this herself. If she is telling you that she has a problem with commitment, she either one, doesn't want a relationship with you, or two, she wants a relationship with you, but she will go behind your back and screw around, and if she ever gets caught, she can tell you, that you knew what you were getting into.
2007-12-06 08:55:35 · answer #9 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had the same problem... and my now fieance has helped me out with my commitment issues. Treat her right and show her that you are not going to hurt her. She will eventually come around... It might take awhile but it will happen if you just stick in there
2007-12-06 08:55:19 · answer #10 · answered by chelle B 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋