Can a cheater change?

Question

This question has probably been asked 1000 times, but I'm curious.

So, here's the situation. I've been with the same guy for over 15 years. He's always been very loyal and faithful, and so have I. We've been having problems the past couple years (what long term relationship doesn't have issues) but I didn't see this coming.

I found out he'd been cheating with someone from work. He ended it, but I found out just weeks afterwards. He swears it was a mistake, that he'll never do anything like this again, that he loves me and he'll do anything if I just give him the chance.....blah blah blah.

I honestly don't know what I'll do, and I've told him straight out that I'm not giving him any promises. We have kids, and I need time to figure out what I think is best for me and the kids.

So....long story short. Do you think a guy who's had an affair will do it again, or is it possible (common??) to just screw up once and never repeat the error?

Thanks!

I've agreed to see a couples councillor with him. I figure there's no harm in that, as there are kids involved we'll have to figure out a way to get along, even if we don't remain married. Best to talk it out, regardless of my long term decision.

He's absolutely relentless with the begging for forgiveness, promises that this will NEVER happen again and he swears that he loves me, but I'm skeptical. Why wouldn't I be? Isn't this what all cheaters say? That's the problem. Can I forgive him? Can I ever trust him again? Do I really believe that he's sincere? Do I believe that I'm who he wants to be with, and it's not just for the kids?

*sigh* I tried kicking him out, and he just won't go. He just begs for forgiveness and one chance. He says I can check up on him however I want....but why should I have to live like that.

I'm just very confused and very very hurt and angry.

Happy 2 - Thanks for posting that. I don't know if that will be the case with him, but it's good to know it's 'possible'.

Marina - great post, and great point. I've actually brought that up. I'm not sure I'm capable of the kind of forgiveness he needs. I'm so angry right now that I want to hurt him....I want him to feel my pain. That's NOT who I am, and I don't want to be that person, but that's what this has done to me. If I can't let that go, then I can't be with him regardless. I won't live with that kind of anger.

eeyore- He's remourseful. In 15 years I've never seen him like this. He says he'll do anything to fix this. He knows it may take years, and that I may never trust him the same way again, and that's ok. He'll live with that. He's willing to get individual councilling, couples councilling, etc.

I want to believe him, but I'm not sure I can. I think I need time to sort through my feelings, and I'm darn well taking it.

Splash - While I absolutely agree that the problems in our relationship are both our responsibilities, I do NOT agree that the affair is in any way my fault. I think one can separate the two. I suggested councilling many times last year, and he wasn't interested.....he chose to 'work out' our issues in another way. That was HIS choice.

I hope that makes sense.

Everyone - Thanks so much for your answer, I really appreciate it!

Answer 1

Everyone is capable of making horrible choices. They can also learn from those terrible choices and never repeat the behavior again. He will have to deal with the consequences of his behavior and the damage he created. You cannot just sweep this under the rug. Go to that counselor, you might end up trying more than one. Not all counselors have the goal of trying to rebuild the marriage. If the counselor tells you to just 'forgive and forget', then you need to find another counselor, that is no way to really solve the problem.

Marriages can and do survive this kind of trauma. But, it will take lots of effort from both of you. Take your time and make your boundaries very clear. You have children together and need to find a healthy way to deal with all of this.

Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Answer 2

There's always the cliche statement, "Once a cheater..etc..". I don't know if that's true or not. Call me optimistic but I'm one who believes people CAN change,,,HOWEVER there are FAR AND FEW who really do, and stay that way. It pretty much comes down to you. You need to make a choice. Can you forgive him? I won't say forget because nobody ever forgets an experience like this. It's prob one of the most painful things a spouse can go through. I understand that you have children so if it's something that you feel you can whole heartedly forgive and get past, then do it. Don't be a person who stays for the children but is really miserable. The children will catch on, and what do you do when they're all out of the house? THEN try moving on when you're best years are gone? Stick with therapy. See where that takes you and if after several weeks of going you don't feel you can stay in this marriage then end it. Don't feel guilty HE should feel guilty for making a costly mistake. And you are absolutely right. You should not be in a relationship where you're checking up on your husband. Nobody wants that. Your husband f*cked off the trust, now whatever consequences follow will be on his shoulders.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater. I have been on both sides of the coin. I have been cheated on and I have been the other woman. Men cheat on their spouses for several different reasons. Some it can be just an ego thing, others its sexual and some need a deeper emotional bonding and emotional bonding is the most dangerous. Some men that do not have good sex at home will eventually stray. Men need sex so women should not play around with it and use it as a tool to get what they want or to punish them because eventually they will give up and start an affair. (I'm not saying that this is your case but it is the truth and should be considered) First take a look at yourself and ask yourself what are you doing wrong that might make him want to cheat. Is he getting enough emotional support? are you confident about yourself and your body? are you a nag? Maybe he needs and escape from some of these things. The best way to really find the answer you are looking for is to look at yourself and then change what you need to change and the answer will come. Is he behaving differently now? I wish you the best and I hope you find your answer. Hope I helped!

Love
Abi

Answer 4

I don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater". I DO think it depends on a persons age. For example, I cheated on a bf in high school when I was 16 or 17. I would NEVER EVER do it again, regardless of how bad of a time I was having. I physically could not take the feeling of that, I remember that gut wrenching sick feeling I had in high school and I have felt that a few times when I have been cheated on.

If a person is older, say 21-22, I don't think change is very likely. I think that after that age there are two types of people: those that can cheat and those that cannot cheat (even if they want to). After that age a person should be mature enough to know how to communicate, to have self control, and to be honest with those that they love (honest to tell them that they want out).

Answer 5

I believe people can actually change. I'm not one who believes in the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater." Everyone deserves a second chance and especially if the two of you have children together, you should try to make it work. If you truely believe that he will never do it again and you think he is being completely honest when he says that he will never hurt you like that again, I say, go for it. For better or worse.....remember. I think you should, however, give it some time before you take him back though. You need to show him that you are serious and that it really hurt you. Maybe he will realize his mistakes even more. Anyway, hope this helps!

Answer 6

I think it's possible that he'll never do it again, however I also believe it's possible that the marriage is over even when people do stay together after an affair. Marriage is built on trust, love, fidelity, etc and he has violated each and every one of those things. What do you have now? How do you trust again and love him in the same way? You can't.....or can you? It takes a STRONG and incredibly open person to accept an affair and truly forgive to the point where they never even have a seed of doubt in their mind ever again. Are you that person? See, this really isn't about him anymore---it's about you. You know what he's capable of....are you capable of getting past it and trusting that he will never do it again when you trusted that it would never cross his mind in the first place? I don't know......

Answer 7

Anything is possible. We are currently working with a coupe who has gone through infidelity. They are overcoming tremendous obstacles, and now have an incredible testimony for others such as yourself.

Yes, someone who is unfaithful can stop being unfaithful.

HOWEVER, in our experience, it is very clear that when one spouse commits adultery, the other spouse (you) is not without blame. A marriage is succeeds or fails because of both parties, not just one.

We know without doubt that there are many, many issues that the faithful spouse has either done or "not" done to help in the problem.

So, if you're honest with yourself, you won't point the finger solely at your husband, but do some soul searching to see what part you could have played the mess up, and how you could either help the situation or play a role in the solution of a broken marriage restored.

Make it work!

Answer 8

I think that once they get away with it the first time it makes the next time even easier. My big thing would be that I would never trust him again. It would always be in the back of my mind. If he was late coming home or didn't answer the phone...situations like that would get me to thinking that he is cheating again. For me, I can't live that way. I have to be able to trust my husband and if he cheats, then the trust is gone. This is just how I feel about cheating. If you really want to work this out you have to forgive him...........but can you forget?????

Answer 9

He can change if he is truly sorry. I have found that the best way to avoid any situation that may lead to an affair is to think about the person I love more than anyone else, my wife. He has to want to change and not put himself in tempting situations. You 2 have too much invested (15 years and children) to give up on him. I think if her were a habitual cheater then there would be no chance, but if he only cheated once, maybe he sees the error of his ways and can reform.

Answer 10

There have been husbands that they do that...have one affair and then go on to be only with their wives....but so many men...whether they are married or not are very much only into themselves....and like women and if one comes along that they like....they might have another affair with another woman...

.....for me...I have a real problem with guys that lie and cheat....and it is so hard to tell if once they lie or cheat if they will do it again...and with the health issues of them being with other women and with love and feelings....and with kids.....

...only you can decide what is best for you.....

...I think it always depends on the people involved and how they treat each other.....like if you are completely happy with your husband and living with him and he treats you and your children well...could stay married....
if on the other hand he has not been there for you and does not give you all the love and attention you need to be happy....and if it is good for the kids to divorce.....divorce or get a separation.....but that is a issue too....like my sister would have left her husband if she had more money....but didn't because she didn't want to live in a apartment....he didn't cheat on her...but she didn't feel in love with him...and also she has one child....so many things to think about...