Very unhappy and suspicious.?

Question

My wife had an affair about 4 years ago that I caught her in she denied and denied it, but I had proof. (it was in Cancun) She ultimately admitted to it. We have tried to work it out, but 2-3 years ago I began to suspect a co-worker and her may have had an EA or the real deal. I would meet him at events or at her work he is about 11 years older than her. But he never seemed comfortable around me. I told this to my wife and she ummm - hawwed saying, who, him? no way.
Well, this last year we have actually gone out with him and his wife to dinner and parties. His wife is beautiful, personal trainer. Anyway last weekend I invited some of my clients to a party at my house where the other man and wife met my clients. ...fastforward. I met with my clients the other night and they informed me that so and so (suspected man and his wife) were well known swingers!!!!!!!!!!! This has bugged me to no end. Of course I am wondering if my wife was ever envolved. She does do things alone with them.

The very unhappy was meant to mean now. But I have not been thrilled either for awhile. We have 3 children 6-9, I thought after I found out about the affair I would leave her, but I loved her and gave her/us one more chance. Anyone that has ever been with a spouse that has had an affair, always keeps the radar up. But I hate this. I am going to talk with her tonight about it. She knows something is bothering me. Anyway someone asked what was the question. Well the question is how would you approach this with her?

Answer 1

beloved, I feel for you truly. I dont know how marriages survive by secular guidelines. You need to take a hard look at what you've always thought was 'ok' in your marriage and re-evaluate if it is actually something contributing to the problem. How did your wife cheat in Cancun? Where were you? Why would you let her go someplace without you? Are 'friend' relationships at work OK to you? Maybe you need to re-think that if your wife cant keep things business. I dont have personal relationships with anyone I work with. The workplace is a breeding ground for adultery. You probably thought her going to eat with this guy was harmless when it first started and didnt push back for fear of seeming 'possessive".

Bottom line, if you DONT make somethings off limits in your life/marriage, then you have to expect that the pseudo boundaries that exist become flexible and eventually crossed.

You did the right thing by forgiving her, but now you have to take charge of your marriage. God can show you how to do that. The world is going to call you overbearing but then, the world cant tell you how to stay out of divorce court either. God can.

My husband and I will pray for you both...

Answer 2

From a man's perspective. You're just too overwhelmed by your surroundings-- work and relationship. I would not assume how long your relationship has been with your boyfriend; however, I would say it is quite normal to be skeptical about having a boyfriend living with a girl flatmate. Suggestions: For your paranoia-- Why not get to know his flatmate? In talking to the flatmate, you may find out something that might satisfy your curiosity, or better yet, make your sense of being paranoid go away. For the stress, jealousy,--- Take a walk in the park--i would recommend a big and quiet one-- or maybe sit and read there if you enjoy reading. Nothing is better than a good novel along with a serene place to relax.

Answer 3

This looks like a huge trust issue. Obviously it has happened before, and it could happen again. Just because he and his wife are swingers doesn't mean your wife is involved with them. However, if she shows the classic signs of lying (not looking you in the eyes, avoiding the question, etc) she may have at least thought of it. If you are comfortable enough around his wife, maybe you could get close to her and slyly bring the subject up, she may let slip what she thinks you already know. Be careful though, this may get you into more hot water than you are wanting. Truly, if you don't trust your wife, you need a therapist at least.

Answer 4

This affair was 4 years ago. In that time, has the suspicion ever really left you?

Take it from experience, this is never really going to go away. Go with your gut instinct: If you truly believe she's honest in what she says and is being faithful to you, then truly FORGIVE and get over it.

But if you feel like something is up, like your wife is still the kind to sleep around, you are probably RIGHT.

If this is the case, then who are YOU to try and keep her tied down? Both of you are ignoring who she is. Too often people go through years of marriage in constant turmoil, either hating each other or being suspicious. This is no way for either of you to live a life.

If you love her, it's time to face these facts and go your separate ways. You're going to spend the rest of your life worrying about this, and she's going to feel a number of things but it's going to add up to unhappy for both of you.

I know this is going to seem devastating but take it from someone who has lived this, it is going to be the best thing that happens to you , one way or another.

Answer 5

Why have you tormented yourself for the past 4 years? You should have been gone 4 years ago when you caught her out! You could have been with a good, loyal, faithful, loving woman by now. Don't let any more of your life ebb away in this torturous marriage. You deserve better. I find it so hard to understand how you can stay with someone that's not trustworthy - she's proven that. I don't like the sound of her hanging out with this swinger either, there's evidently a lot of out-of-work contact. That would bother me no end too.
If you don't have any children involved in this marriage, I would say thank God for that and get out now and build a new life for yourself. Best wishes to you.

Answer 6

Woah! That's really messed up! You need to go with your gut on this one. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. The truth will eventually come out. I hope for your sake it isn't true but you know she has cheated on you before and just like I tell the girls, Once a Cheater always a Cheater. I have been in way too many situations where I felt that something was going on and in the end THERE WAS! Hope you find your answer. Good Luck!

Love
Abi

Answer 7

Well it looks like to me that you need to join in because your wife is having a great time in a threesome and yes I do believe that she's joining them in sex, I'm a woman and I can see through the forest and the trees are not in my way. Maybe you should get it together and find someone who will appreciate you and be with only you, there are women who are looking for a man like you, and please get out of your marriage before you become hateful to other women and become damaged goods. you deserved better in life now everyone thinks you are a swinger, you clients are talking and looking at you a little different now trust me. Write back I want to know more, the nest time she goes somewhere with them follow her and see for yourself.

Answer 8

Find something to make you happy. Happy people are resilient people.

If you are always sad and looking for worst-case-scenarios, you aren't making yourself a better person.

You need to talk with a therapist, find yourself some new hobbies, or BOTH.

Happiness has been eluding you. It's your turn to do something to become more positive. Find one little thing to bring a smile to your face: figure out how to solve a crossword puzzle, rent a funny movie. Nine out of ten times, life's answers will come faster when you aren't so sad and lonely. You might even find the courage to leave your wife.

Answer 9

Where you see one rat, there's 40 you don't. Probably you are correct about thinking she was involved with them.

Just based on the EA in Cancun, I'd be gone. Especially if there were no children. Life's just too short.

Answer 10

Sounds like in your case, three's a party and four's a crowd... him and his wife probably on swing with women maybe they will let you watch if you can control your jealously... just a opinion i could be wrong but if she strayed in the past you never no for sure..