Why is it my fault??

Question

Can someone tell me why everything seems to be my fault?
I have Crohn's ( found out about it 2 months ago) yet it's my fault that i have this, and it's my fault that we have bills to pay and can't. It's my fault that my hubby it stupid and didn't pay the taxes when he should have..It's my fault that i can't eat properly and still bleed when i go to the washroom, it's my fault that i shouldn't go to work yet, ( although he is forcing me back) It's my fault . I so sick of the guilt trip he is laying on me, i just want to leave his *** high and dry.
I wash his clothes , i feed him his dinner, i clean the house i take care of our daughter, i do everything that needs to be done, yet it is my fault.
I am at the point right now where I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've tried talking to him. but what's the point. It's still my fault.

well he called at lunch like nothing is wrong. He just does not get it. I told him how much it hurts me when he says the things he says, "i don't mean too" he tells me. And in one way i know he doesn't but how many times do i have to tell him this??He said, "There are other women out there that get hit, and i don't do that. ( i know he never would) I said it hurts emotonaly. And he still just doesn't get it.I am not going to up and off myself, it's just how i am feeling. Just fusterated and pissed etc....

as for the $$ aspect of things...we've been way worse off than we are now. I am just trying to grin and bear the thought of not being able to get the things i want to f or the ppl i love for xmas( which they all know) and try to make it more about family . But.....

Answer 1

Isn't that the disease where you have uncontrollable bowel movements?

It's not your fault. Just clean up the mess and keep on steppin. Your husband is a complete DOLT for not understanding.

Killing yourself will not help you or your daughter. Just keep a stiff upper lip. There's help for your condition. Call the Mayo Clinic. They are doing a study and have some promising treatments.

Call this number. 952.777.9311

Answer 2

My husband used to be the same way, and to a certain point, he still is. I think it's just that when things go wrong, they don't want to admit that they're at fault, so they have to blame you. What your husband doesn't understand is that the more he blames you, the worse your condition is going to get because he's throwing you into a deep state of depression. I'm sure that stress is not good for your condition, am I right? I don't know much about Crohn's...but it can't be good for you to return to work either.

About the only thing that I can possibly suggest if you say that talking to him doesn't help is to slack off a little bit on the housework. You didn't mention how old your daughter is. If she's of age, why not get her to help you out with some of the housework? If she's too young, you might want a family member or friend to watch her for just a few hours so that you can sit and get some rest.

As far as changing your husband's reaction, there might be no way to do that. However, you might really benefit from getting some counseling on your own. Of course, getting it as a couple would be optimal, but if it's not possible, at least get some for yourself so that you can KNOW it's not your fault.

Hang in there--I've been there before and things improved. Drop me a line if you need anything at all! :-)

Answer 3

It sounds to me that HE does not know how to handle everything that is going on with the two of you... your sickness and financial situation and is taking the easy (for him) way out and just blaming you instead of trying to help solve the problem. Maybe a little reverse psychology to get you to fix everything so he doesn't have to worry about it. All the while whether he knows it or not, he is mentally abusing you at the same time.
I would really try to have a serious conversation about this with him and explain how you are feeling. Your disease can be controlled and with time your lifestyle will improve as you learn to adjust to having it along w/ medication, but you can not do that while having someone bring you down all the time. If you can't change the people around you, the maybe you need to change the people (or person) you choose to be around.

Answer 4

You do not need this stress. He needs to quit being so immature and be a man and deal with it. He needs to help you deal with it. Crohns disease is not fun. My sister has it. I would not let him force me back to work. You need to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy. I don't know if I could stay with a man than treated me like this when I was sick. I would also not take care of him. Let him wash his own clothes and fix his own meals. For your own sanity and health you should leave him if this is stressing you so much. He should not be laying a quilt trip on you for something that you cannot control. Do not even think about going to sleep (or anything else) and never waking up. You have a daughter to think of and she needs you to be there for her. You need to decide if you can live with this the rest of your life. I could not. He is going to be a hindrance to you not any help. Good luck.

Answer 5

Your husband obviously has issues and some kind of resentment toward you for laying these guilt trips on you which by the way are not your fault. Its always easier to blame someone else then look in the mirror and take responsibility for things equally yourself. Dont let him belittle you or make you feel inferior to him. Thts what he wants. Stand up for yourself and tell him you are tired of it...you dont want to hear it anymore and if he feels he has to continue then to leave and do it elsewhere that he is not wanted or loved under those terms. Remember the marriage vows??? They are there for a reason and we say I do to them in good faith. Remind him of that.

Answer 6

My wife is the same way.
Excuse me, I mean my EX-Wife :-)
I was blamed for everything . . . even when she admitted she was wrong.

It is called Emmotional Abuse. I think they do it because they are not happy with themselves. They are also controlling, and this criticism helps them feel better about themselves. They pick people like you and me because we are willing to try to do the right thing and please them. I was a real "people pleaser" and it made me a great target for this.

My suggestion . . . do a web search on Emmotional Abuse. I am sure you will find your situation there and help to deal with it.

Also, read the book "Emmotionally Abusive Relationships" by Beverly Lindsey (not sure of the spelling) Contact me if this is wrong and I will get you the right info.

Eventually after threating to move for 10 years, my ex finally left and sued me for support. It was then I realized she would NEVER change and I was not willing to live like that the rest of my life. I got a divorce.

You will find that emmotional abuse is like physical abuse because you will try to be perfect because you know you did make a mistake or two. The problem is that even if you could be perfect, they will find something else to "beat" you for. Even if they admit that "hitting" you is an overreaction and they have a problem, if you didn't do the things you do you would not get "hit"

One thing I did was to stop arguing with her.
I realized that when I did not respond to her attacks - even to the point of just staring at her and not saying anything until she was done and walking away without saying a word - I felt better and I was not feeding her sick emmmotional need to argue and criticize. Think about it, if she were physically hitting me, the best thing I could do is physically removing myself from the home and staying away, so I decided to "emmotionally remove myself." Why try to defend yourself and make a point if as you, too, said, You are wrong anyway?

The bottom line is if he does not recognize he has a problem and get help, IT WILL NOT CHANGE! Also know that at times Emmotional Abuse can become physical.

Get some help soon. I don't think you HAVE to move or get a divorce. But I think you have to do something to cause him to take a look at himself. Trust me . . . Working out your marriage is a far better thing to do. I chose divorce after my ex told our pastor she was not willing to do whatever it would take to fix our marriage.

The book I mentioned above could help you find a way to deal with your husband. It is written for the victim and the abuser. Get him his own copy, don't share one book.

Remember, the stress from your relationship could cause greater problems for your health. It did for me.

Answer 7

Why are you in a relationship where your not happy? that is YOUR fault. Dont take responsibility for things he does, but you realize your making it okay because you choose to stay. You seem like your stressing, but try to look at what you have isntead of whos fault it is for the bad things...because in the end it really doesnt matter whos fault it is, it doesnt change the fact that is it the way it is. So you have a choice...either put up with it or not. Then you can either accept what he does to you...or not. but stop focusing on who is at fault...like i said it doesnt matter....

Answer 8

You need a break,,he needs a wake up call. Give it to him.
Take a break,,,step back from that situation for a minute. You need to work on you,,focus on the person you know you are. Don't let him, or some of the responses on this forum, drag you down like this. You have a daughter, focus on her. Focus on getting better,,,,go away for a short while..He will (hopefully) learn to appreciate you then! Good luck to you and the baby.

Answer 9

You're stressing yourself out and blaming yourself and when you do this he begins to do it too...because you believe that you should feel guilty. DON'T!! you can't help but have Chron's. First you need to really just accept everything that you cannot control..it is what it is..Focus on what you can do to make the best of your situation and not on the bad things that are obviously stressing you out and creating more stress! you don't need it. And if he is still blaming you..i suggest you take a break from him..you really don't need it!

Answer 10

It isn't your fault....I am sorry about your Crohn's...I had a really good friend that has dealt with Crohn's for years....Your husband doesn't sound very supportive at all with you having to deal with this disease....Have you tried counseling? Maybe he is having a difficult time with it too.....If he refuses to talk you maybe you do need to separate....