Is it worth me even still trying to make our marriage work?

Question

I'm 25 years old and I've been married for 5 years and we were great from the start like usual. But since the start of this year our marriage has done a complete 180. He confesed he cheated on me with another woman back in june but I forgave him because I love him so much. Instead we've grown distant, so much to the point that for the past 4 month we've had sex 2-3 times max. I have gotten to the point were I don't trust him, I check phone bills just to make sure that there arent any numbers i'm not familiar with and second guess everything he says. This week it got so bad between us that we just about had called it quites but we talked it out and decided to make it work no matter what but to be honest with you I feel the loneliest I've ever been. I feel so alone and to make matters worse, when we agreed to make it work I told him that he has to prove himself to me in a matter of trust and he said I need to prove myself too so we can get our "spark" back. I do want to make this work.

Answer 1

It's great that you forgave him and you have moved on from there and do not harbour any ill-will.

But what has changed.

Have you forgiven him really? If you do, then you will trust him. Obviously there is a little voice in you that believes he is still cheating on you.

When a cheater is confronted they turn it back on the accuser and do exactly what he did - "I need you to prove yourself"

Perhaps what he meant is, "I need you to work on it too." meaning the marriage so that he's just not working on it from his end.

Counselling is great if you can both agree.

The other part of this is communication. Why did he cheat? Was there something that he felt was missing from your relationship? If so, why did he not come to you to discuss this before going out to seek it? If he gets the urge again, will he come to discuss it with you prior?

Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! I can't stress it enough. It is what builds a relationship and the absence of it will tear a relationship apart.

Find out what you two have in common and like about the other and go from there. He should be able to tell you and you shuld be able to tell him.

Good luck, I hope it works for you.

Answer 2

CAUTION: Mis trust can and will destroy ANY marriage. And you have good reason BUT, set some ground rules. hang around married couples in your social life, but not just the same couple all the time....you will start sharing intimate and or personal things, and that is not o.k.

Other ground rules should be things like, open lines of communication. If he gets an e mail, txt, phone call, flirtatious come ons - he needs to tell you and be honest about the situation and he needs to address the person (either via phone, txt, whatever) IN FRONT OF YOU and let them know that his marriage is very important to him and that he doesn't want this type of behavior to contine.

Counciling is a good idea. If you cant get him to go you should at least go. Keep in mind councelors are just that and it is ADVISE. It is not always correct, or right, or best.

Answer 3

I hate that people cheat and you've probably beat yourself up a hundred times trying to get to the why, and I know this because I have been there.
My husband cheated on me in about our 7th year of marriage and he was a man who I thought loved me with all his heart and would never cheat on me, but he did, it devastated me and our marriage, we are still married and just so you'll know the cheating 10 years ago still pisses me off
although we stayed married and decided to work it out. It is a very difficult thing to do, forgive is one
thing but the forgetting is another. I honestly wish I
had the right answer to give you here. I think people should work it out if possible but trust is
impossible to earn back and I think what made me the maddest was why I had to basically get over it, when I did nothing wrong. If you love him and it is important for you to save your marriage and he feels the same, then give it a try, you've got 5 years invested in him, but just know that trust will be an issue. Best of Luck

Answer 4

It's going to take some major time. Why? You guys are young and both of you have alot of sexuality left. A line has been crossed and it's not going to get better until you both mature and that wont be until you guys are in your 30's or 40's or 50's, but much later in life when he has calmed down. I would say a seperation would do you both good. You'll get back together, but you just need some time apart. Thats going to be the hardest part because you are going to think that he's out screwing around, and he prbably will be, and you arent going to want another woman to have what you've worked so hard to aquire, but it's only going to make you ugly, hateful, resentful, insecure, and lonely if you stay. Just let it go and when the times right, you guys will get back together.

Answer 5

I don't like your husband's answer at ALL because he only seems to be interested in the "spark" feeling portion of the marriage and not the committment portion. That means he's only interested in how the relationship makes HIM feel and that requires YOU to do all of the work. It is HE who needs to do the work here. If he loved you, he would be willing to do whatever it took to get the marriage back on track. This means, marital counseling, going to church, allowing you to review all emails and phone calls---whatever it takes to bring back trust. I hate to be long here, but it is clear that life is all about him. (Based on what you state), I don't think your marriage has a very good chance of making it--unless you see some miracles happening quick. At 25, it is unfair for you to have to go through the rest of your life doubting a self-centered man's fidelity. There are wonderful men out there and it is extremely, extremely rare for a marriage to make it after an affair.

Answer 6

Then you need to do just that--work at it. I think you'd both need to explain to each other what would constitute proof. You can't just say that you each need to see that trust is possible again, you need to say what it looks like when he's reached that point. Otherwise, he'll just feel like you're constantly checking up on him.

Getting "that spark" back is nearly impossible. You can get some of the spark back, but it will never be to the intnesity that it once was, especially if he cheated and you feel that bit of resentment towards him.

Answer 7

Ok you lost trust in him when he cheated, and he lost trust in you because you started checking up on him. Before you can trust each other again, you have to forgive each other for what has been done. You say that you forgave him, but did you really? You are checking up on him because you think he is still doing it or that he will do it again.

Every marriage deserves a second chance, but if you are constantly afraid that he will do it again, do you really want to live like that?

Answer 8

Seems like you are both having issues. your husband can only prove himself with time. you wont trust him over night. have u thought about couples counseling it might help get the issues out in the open so that you two can work on it and take a vacation get back to each other remind each other why u got married and what u like about each other that way u get the spark back and time to get to know each other again

Answer 9

Leave. You are not certain how many times he has cheated and most men aren't honest about that. The trust factor is important in a marriage and once that's gone there is nothing else left then all you will be doing is second guessing and playing private eye.

Answer 10

Try these great guides, written by a popular marriage therapist:

Adultery and Infidelity: Why People Cheat
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-why-people-cheat.html

Should I Stay Or Go? Knowing When To Move On
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go.html

Romantic Ideas To Improve Your Love Life:
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/romantic-ideas.html