More details on What should I do?

Question

A few days after Thanksgiving, I tried to discuss Christmas plans with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I asked if they would all like to come to church (husband's a minister) and then have dinner at our house on Christmas Eve. I got no answer and was told that we would discuss it later. A couple of days ago, I received a typed letter from my mother-in-law telling me the "plan" for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. She said that she and my sister-in-law had already decided that Christmas Eve dinner would be at my sister-in-law's house (We can't come because of church) and then she would be having spaghetti (for whoever, whenever) at her house on Christmas day and indicated that we are expected to come some time that day and that once again my parents and brother are also invited. My husband and I agreed when we had children that we would celebrate Christmas at home while the children are little. I'm sick of feeling angry and torn! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

If you and your hubby are agreed, you're 90% of the way there.
When people attempt to impose themselves on you, saying "no" isn't much fun, but it does get easier with practice.
If you don't want to visit for Christmas, just say so. If they lay on the big guilt trip, it won't touch you unless you let it.
People's misguided expectations or wishes for you to sacrifice what belongs to you, for their benefit, need to be kindly but firmly resisted. I find that a baseball bat, swung as hard as I can about 5 feet above the ground, works well when all else fails. lol.
Too many people have their lives ruined trying to fulfil everyone else's wants, and it never even touches the sides anyway. Choose the good and stick to it.
And have a great Christmas.

Answer 2

So decline on Christmas eve (and maybe have your parents and brother over for dinner) you have other plans at church and stop by later in the day on Christmas day. You can still celebrate Christmas morning with your children. It gets confusing with two families on Christmas. We're talking about 2 days here. Don't get all hung up on who's doing what and how nobody is respecting your plans. Just do what you need to do and be happy to do it. You are not obligated to spend the day at his mothers house, she's left it open to whenever. (Pretty nice and relaxed if you ask me but the typed letter seems a tad impersonal) Make your own traditions with your young family but don't forget that you are melding with other traditions now. His mother won't be around forever. Stopping by on Christmas day for spaghetti means you don't have to COOK that day (my response to that is always woohooo) and grandma gets to see her happy son, wife and grandchildren. Good luck :)

Answer 3

I don't see why you can't do both unless his parents live far away. Christmas is all about families anyway. Maybe you could go over there for an hour to visit then spend the rest of the time doing what you want to do. That way, everyone is happy.

Answer 4

If you weren't consulted or your input not sought, then they shouldn't be surprised that you cannot come. It is particularly insensitive of them not to consult you considering your husband's vocation. Christmas is one of the busiest times of year for minister's and they should be accommodating your schedule. Celebrate Christmas with your own family and make your own traditions for your children. Visit relatives when it's convenient for you. You should not feel angry or torn about people who are being inconsiderate of you and your personal and professional obligations. I would write a typed letter back (since she can't pick up the phone apparently) and tell her what your plans are and that you will visit at another time over the holidays.

Answer 5

Took me 10 years to get enough back bone and tell parents and in-laws that we are staying home for a change. It was so nice to finally stay home we do go every few years.
Yea they got mad but they also got over it.

Answer 6

Tell her what your plans are for Christmas, and that you are sorry that they don't work out with her and your sister inlaw's plans. Enjoy your Christmas with your husband and kids and don't feel bad about it. Merry Christmas to you and your family :)

Answer 7

Tell them you have church Christmas Eve (& they know that) & then Christmas, w/ the little ones, you celebrate at home & THEY are welcome then to drop by for holiday cheer, etc.....been there, done that. BEST OF LUCK!

Stand your ground! And don't let them aggravate you---'say it all with flowers'...(figuratively) & don't be dismayed if they don't show up!

Answer 8

don't be angry or torn.....once I had children, we always stayed home on Christmas, and anyone that wanted to see us on that one day stopped by.....

I was not going to make my kids get up and open presents then rush them off to visit...I wanted them to have fun playing with their toys AND to be honest, when you are helping Santa at 3 in the morning, it's too darn exhausting.

You and your family get to start your own tradition....like we did.....once I was divorced, I even quit making the turkey dinner since the kids didn't really like it anyway, we made our own tradition of making homemade pizzas on Christmas afternoon.......

Merry Christmas! Enjoy it with your husband and kids!

Answer 9

tell her the truth: that you have other plans, not to mention that you and your husband have decided to have x-mas at home with your children, which is the reason you extended the invivation to them.

thank them for the invite, and say no, then move on to your own plans. if they're feelings are hurt, well, that's not something you can control; besides, they'll get over it. let them do what they want for x-mas, and you and your husband do what you want to do.

Answer 10

I liked "abc"s answer very much.

Your In Laws seem a bit controlling. You and your Husband CALL YOUR OWN SHOTS.....