what do you think of this ?

Question

I miss you each and every day,
why was it you that had to be taken away,
but then I find myself thinking your ok,
now that your out of the pain,

I always wonder what it would be like having you around,
would anything change or would it stay the same,
sometimes I think I hear your voice,
and then the agony I feel is profound,

I wasn't allowed to attend the day,
that could have let go of the grief I carry,
they wouldn't let me say what I wanted to say,
and I felt as though I was betrayed,

I remember all the times we had together,
the memories I hold will last forever,
I used to be resentful and bitter,
but now I see the bigger picture,

I've moved on now to were I belong,
but will never forget,
you've taught me how to be strong,
and your spirit will always live on,

Copyright 6 December 2007
S.J.C

Answer 1

I loved it it touched me kind of reminded me of my uncle that passed away 6 1/2 months ago.

Answer 2

I feel your emotion, but it doesn't stir me as it should. Part of the problem is the use of uneven lines, irregular rhymes, and shallow images. I know you can do better than this. I'd recommend you try to avoid couplets, especially in the opening lines (day/away) as it makes a serious poem like this seem a little trite, which I know was not your intent. Also, if you choose to do a rhymed poem, figure out a pattern and stick with it. If you can't make it flow correctly, if the beats just won't come or the rhyming word seems contrived, then either pick a different word with which to rhyme or drop the rhyme entirely and stick with free or open verse. Had you used open verse (not the same as free verse), you could have ended the poem with a pair of rhymed lines (a couplet) and added impact by attracking attention to your final lines. Which, by the way, are like the ending to a story...they need to be the climax, not anticlimatical.

Keep writing, keep editing, I hear a voice trying to be heard.

Answer 3

Sam J. This Poem has a dep effective message,, with spirit and pain and joy and freedom.. I am impressed with your love and adventure for life,, the excitement of each day ahead, your forlorn look in words,, and your new joy...

Nice Job,, Tom xoxox

Answer 4

Very Good!!

9/10
:)

Answer 5

i like it..

Answer 6

nice^^