My best friend and I have been BEST friends for 13 years (we were 9, we're 22 now.) I was close to her family and she was close to mine. When she graduated from college, she moved back home (that's how dependant and how much of a daddy's girl she was) and when her dad went to the hospital several times for weeks at the time, I would stay with her and try to keep her company and keep her occupied. We found out her dad had cancer about 7 months ago. We all knew it was coming, but he died on Tuesday (two days ago).
The funeral is Friday. I've never been to a funeral, only to a wake. I need to know what to say, what to wear, and what to expect. I need to know funeral etiquette. I need to know for her.
My friend is a teacher and very poised. I know she's probably going to be cryng her eyes out and it's going to be very dramatic to see her like that because she's normally so strong. Her Fiance' will be there, but I'm the best friend and I need to know what to do.
Thanks,
C.
2007-12-06 01:49:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Sociology
How rude.
2007-12-06 01:53:31 · update #1
Wear dark colors and conservative cuts of clothing. You don't need to fill moments with words. Smile when people talk to you. It's okay to laugh if someone is remembering a funny anecdote about her dad. There should be some happy memories mixed in with the sadness of loss. It's okay to remember good times, but know it will probably lead to tears.
All you need to do is be there. Mostly all people who have lost loved ones want to hear is, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
Try to forget how you feel while you're with her. This is about her. Yes it's awkward to watch someone cry and be in so much pain. If you can, arrange to make some meals for her and help with household chores (vacuuming, laundry, etc.). The last thing she'll be thinking about is the day-to-day business of living. For a while, she'll be living moment-to-moment.
Just be there for her and make sure she knows she can count on you. Call her often, drop in to check on her (call first) and bring her meals.
Just knowing someone is making that kind of effort really helps when you feel like your world has just fallen apart.
Know it'll take time for her to be more like her old self. be patient (it'll be hard sometimes and you'll be frustrated.).
Good luck and I'll keep all of you in my thoughts.
2007-12-06 02:04:08 · answer #1 · answered by kckli 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hun just be there for her. You can wear what you want to. Black isn't always worn anymore. I buried my step mother in Oct from cancer and you may be surprised at how things go. Everyone is sad but no necessarily in tears or bawling. There is a form of relief when a loved one is no longer suffering. That's not to say they are not sad. Of course they are. I would just stick by her and if she walks away let her. We all need time to ourselves when we lose a loved one. The shock of it all won't have worn off yet. I am sorry for your friend. Losing a parent is really hard. Life sucks sometimes for sure. I think the fact that you are on here asking because you care so much tells just how much a good friend you are. Be sure to ask her mother or other family members if they need you to do anything afterwards. You will find lots of laughter at a meal following. It's wonderful to remember the good times with someone!!
2007-12-06 01:56:03 · answer #2 · answered by Michelle 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dress a little on the conservative side. Don't wear mourning colors though, unless you're really considered part of the family. That would be overdoing it. You can ask your friend what would be appropriate to wear.
Be yourself. If you are moved to tears, shed them, if not, don't try to. Be present but not obtrusive. Words are not always necessary. Sometimes, a pat, a squeeze of the hand, arm or shoulder can express your presence and sympathy more than words would. Depending on the culture and the practice your friend, her family and her friends, hugs are usually appropriate for people you are close to. Whatever you do, don't overdo it. Don't get in the way. Don't usurp tasks which properly belong to the family, unless asked to.
Ask your friend or members of her family how you can help. Don't be offended if they seem not to appreciate your offer. Remember, they are hurting.
Remember, you are not a professional mourner or whatever, so you are not expected to know what to do under every circumstance.
2007-12-06 02:14:11 · answer #3 · answered by Leon de Rizal 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
im very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my grandad a few months back. And i no its a very hard time. To a funeral people usually wear dark clothes eg. black trousers, black jumper/ coat. I dont no what you mean by what you have to say unless your making a speech but if not you dont have to say anything in particular. The family will be very upset and it is a horrible day but im sure your friend will be ok because she has a very good friend like you. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her when she needs you. xxx
2007-12-06 01:57:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for her. You will feel the need to say something to make her feel better. Don't. Nothing is going to make her feel better. That's as it should be. Her father has died and she needs to feel bad about that and mourn for him. Tell her how sorry you are, ask if there is anything you can do for her, and just be a good listener and a shoulder to cry on if she needs one.
Last week I attended the wake of a friend who died because of a medical mistake. The family was in shock; this should not have happened and they had no warning that it would. I simply held her mother's hands in mine and let her talk about what had happened. Many of us have a need to try to make things better. In cases like this, you just can't, and that's hard. Just be there for your friend and she will love you for it.
2007-12-06 01:56:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wear dark or black slacks, skirt, or dress, and a conservative blouse, and jacket. Funeral Etiquette is somber, thanking people for coming to support the family. Asking them if they signed the guest book. For her...just be there, if she needs anything or any help. She may need a gofer. More tissues, etc. Just be the worker bee if you need to for her. Things will go fine....Sorry for the loss.....
2007-12-06 01:55:31 · answer #6 · answered by Toffy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear about your friend all you can do is just be there for her what you wear or say mean nothing it's not a family get together it's time to mourn and just be support full.
2007-12-06 01:59:50 · answer #7 · answered by jerzyson29 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't try to say much. Just be there for your friend. She'll appreciate that greatly. Cry if you must, but remember, she doesn't need you feeding on and adding to her sadness. Try to remember and recall happy times with her dad.
2007-12-06 01:54:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be polite, welcoming to family/friends, show support. Maybe give your friend a little gift of the memories you shared with her and her father. Wear black. bring lots of kleenex.
2007-12-06 01:52:45 · answer #9 · answered by myraxellenxamos 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dear candy, i do not know how to help you, i just wish you find a way to consolidate her ,
my suggestion is always be there with her, take out time to spend it with her, yousaid she is the strong one, but now you have to be the strong one here.
you ofcourse feel sorry for her but you would have to be a father fiqure for her, just be there and be strong
also according to me your presence there is more improtant to her than what you would be wearing......
please stay calm dear and be strong, she needs you to be STRONG
2007-12-06 02:58:29 · answer #10 · answered by abhi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋