I Am So Sad!!!?

Question

My husband and I have been married only a few months. We fight almost every day...usually about some little thing I get upset over (I know it's a bad habit and it's my fault!).

But anyways, he never really listens to me. He comes home from work and I get like maybe a kiss and that's it! I have moved across the country and left school and my family for him and I just don't feel assured. I feel that I need a little more attention just to reassure myself that I made the right decision moving here.

Sometimes I feel that I care for him more than he cares for me, and he really just doesn't care when I'm sad. Tonight I was balling my eyes out and he just fell asleep.

He just never holds me and tells me I'm special, has never done ONE romantic thing, etc. and I do those things for him all the time.

I made the mistake of threatening to leave...and he told me if I would be happier that way then to do it...which makes me feel like he REALLY doesn't care. I need help!

I

I really have the strongest feelings in the world for him and it would tear me apart to leave him..IF I could even do it, but I am just trying to think ahead of time. I don't want to be in an unhappy marriage! I know I can't change him (that is very apparent haha), but on the otherhand I CANNOT be married to someone who doesn't express their love for me. I don't want to waste my time when we could both be happier...yet I just love him so much. I am really really really sad about this :(

One more thing...like today for example...he told me he might sleep on the couch and I was like "no no no! don't do that I want to sleep next to you!!!" and guess where he's sleeping...on the couch

Our sex life is pretty nonexistent...when he is in a really good mood, that is the only time we have sex..maybe once a week :(

And a lot of times he'll complain about it but if we don't spend time together after work I don't want it to just be about SEX, ya know??

Answer 1

If a man is sleeping on the couch, that is a big red flag. You need to sit down & talk about what you both want out of this relationship.

Answer 2

This is not a marriage; it's an obsession on your part. It's pretty obvious that he's emotionally manipulating you. It's a control issue. There is no love here, simply a dysfunctional relationship. He is insecure and needs the ego boost from being in control. You are weak and too needy and clingy, and keep responding to the constant manipulation. Notice how he baited you? He said he "MIGHT" sleep on the couch. Or he might not -- it all depended on your reaction to his statement. Of course you took the bait and immediately began your excited protestations and begging of "NO, NO, a thousand times NO! DO NOT!" because you "NEED" him so much. How far better for you to yawn and say, "Whatever." This is like schoolyard bullying where an insecure bully picks on the weakest person, baiting and teasing them just to elicit a reaction. Without the reaction, there is no gratification. It's enormously immature.

You need to grow up. You're acting like a small child. He is not your daddy; he's supposed to be your husband and you both are supposed to be equal adults! Stop whining for affection. The more you nag him, the further you drive him away. You never took the time to become your own person, pay your own bills and learn how to stand on your own two feet. You never learned how to enjoy being alone. And until you do, this will continue for years. You will end up being a lonely, bitter woman and probably end up divorced as well. Even a cat eventually tires of its prey. When he's had enough of your foolishness and gullibility, he will dump you and hunt fresh game. He's just seeing how far you will go and how much abuse you will take. Grow up! There can be no love where there is no respect. If you have to, move back home with your family. Why did you leave school? Your job was to FINISH school and get a good education, so you could have a well-paying job and support yourself in style! But then if you had, you would have been too intelligent and too strong a woman for an insecure man like him. So foolishly thinking that he is going to support you while you coast, you chuck it all and then wonder why he has all the power in the relationship. Like it or not, there IS a power dynamic in each relationship and the best ones are 50-50 or close to it.

And if he truly isn't romantic, why did you marry him?!

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about this. You prob need to get out of this relationship.

I am going to guess you are both young, under 25??? Y/N. I am also going to guess you have been dating for less than 2 years? Y/N?

You sound more committed to the relationship than he does?

If he truly was in love with you (or MATURE enough) and committed to the marriage (which I am not seeing this) then he would be sensitive to your needs, and take you more seriously.

There is prob some underline stress he is experiencing, perhaps as if he is regretting being married.

DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSON.

If you get through all this, wait 5 years, and after a lot of counseling, then maybe if you have a 1000% stable healthy nurturing relationship after 4-5 years, then maybe kids. Not now, BE CAREFUL here. hear me on this.

Sometimes it's best to cut the rope early when you start off like this. If you are both young, and your relationship was short, marriage was prob not the best way to go.

Moving away from family and friends is prob not the best idea either. Been there, done that, and for the wrong reasons. I can relate to your situation. I corrected this.

I would consider moving back to be with family.

Be strong. It’s not the end of the world. Keep in mind that marriage only MAGNIFIES any tiny unresolved issues that existed prior to the marriage.

Call your family and closest girl friends for support. Counseling is encouraged. Try not to fight. Yelling, etc. by either party just creates negative associations to the other person, and you'll move apart. If he is not a willing participant, it’s over.

Hindsight 20/20, but in the future the person who threatens the relation ENDED that relationship at that time. Even if it is over years later (psychology studies).

Best of luck!

Answer 4

Quit doing all that stuff you are doing...

Read Fascinating Womanhood and Created to be His Helpmeet.

Start this right away:

1 Quit arguing with him - just agree with him (unless it's really important like he cheated).

2 Adjust your attitude right away - be the charming sweet thing he married. Every day is a new day - start it afresh by waking up cheerful and pleasant and making him a nice breakfast. Cheerfulness can be contagious.

3 Act confident rather than insecure. Assume and imagine he loves you rather than he doesn't. Men hate insecure women, it makes them uncomfortable.

4 Greet him hello and goodbye with an enthusiastic hug and kiss him goodnight.

5 Give him a compliment everyday

6 Rub his neck for him

7 Introduce him to everyone as Prince Charming or My Beloved Husband.

8 Pray for him and trust God to help you and go to church so you will meet other nice couples like yourself.

Watch your mouth, what you say - don't be a nag or complainer.

Think he is sleeping on the couch because you are arguing too much. Get a sweet attitude and he'll come around. And be a little playful and fun once in awhile. A little humor can help with the tension - be sure it's really funny and not sarcastic or critical though.

You are probably suffering from homesickness and the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Joy to you!!!

Answer 5

Damn - it took 14 years of. . . well just read my other posts to see the kind of **** I've put up with, before I even once threatened to sleep on the couch.

There is something very wrong with this.

My first and most important advice to you:
DON'T GET PREGNANT - until you are sure this stuff is settled.

Next - I'm not sure, but I think he's feeling like you are, that he was expecting the relationship to be something, and it's turned out NOT to be that. Whatever it is; you're not doing it for him. It could be as simple as doing the housework. It could be, letting him have the remote - it could be ANYTHING - but you're not a mind reader. You need to find out what it is - and if it's reasonable and fair, and if he's worth it, DO IT. And in return - you'd better figure out what you want, and demand that as well.

You guys should have figured this stuff out before hand, but hey, I was young and stupid when I got married - it's OKAY!

This is really the BEST time to work out these problems. What if you just kept quiet about it and harbored resentment against eachother over this for years? Then you had kids? Count your blessings!

Hope it works out for you.

Answer 6

try this everything you want to do or say
DON'T
he waits for you to, so he could walk all over you.
do this for a week don't call him. don't ask why wont you sleep with me?why this?why that?
NOTHING!
and by the end of the week he will be a changed man.then you will fell strong and better off and loved. its hard you will want to do the same old pattern of wwhhyyss ??but look back did you get any good result?
most important part when he changes for the better you put the guard up so you can heal and wont break apart when he gets like this again because he will he is a little brat that wants something and when he gets it he gets tired of it right away and throws a tantrum.
YES
this will work but you need to seek help for the real reason he is like this and why you put up with it.
i have a idea why he is like this i bet he is a mamas boy.

Answer 7

It seems like even if you confronted him and tried to talk to him, he won't respond much. And you certainly can't just change him. It doesn't seem like your relationship with him will just improve over time, so the best thing to do is leave him.

I've been in similar situations and I know that love has to be a mutual thing. Maybe his love was really just infatuation in the beginning and now he's over that. If you can't bare to leave him either you'll have to get counseling for the both of you and figure out his true feelings for you, or live miserably with someone who doesn't love you back.

I would give counseling a shot first. I have heard it can sometimes work. At least it could give you an idea how things will turn out if you stay with him. At this point it's still early in the marriage and since you gave up so much for him you'll really have to consider that leaving him might be the thing you'll just have to do in order to get your life back.

Answer 8

You need to use reverse tactics. You are too needy and clingy. He is too sure of you. You are pushing him away by being so insecure. You have to turn the tables. Put some mystery in the mix. Don't be mean, just become distant and unconcerned. Don't call after him, don't look for him. Find something else to do. When he comes home hardly even notice. Don't threaten him with anything. Nor beg him for affection. If you are strong and do this right, he will come around to find out why you are not the insecure one any longer and he will become insecure.

This really works if you don't cave in to your insecurities. Because you are so insecure he owns you and he knows it. You have to turn that around and make him not so sure about you any more.

Answer 9

Well...lets see here....It is most definitely not the end of the world you know....The fighting everyday needs to stop or be minimized....you say most of your fights is usually over some little thing you get upset about...Have you tried talking to your husband in a civil matter...not so much in a confrontational stance?? I'm sure your husband must work alot and is probably pretty tired when he gets home which may make him have a short-fuse and be easily irritated by things....How affectionate are you when he comes home....could you do more???It sounds like you and your husband just need to sit down and talk....don't let the conversation get heated...and don't even attempt to have a conversation if either one of you are having a bad day. As far as you giving up alot....well that was your choice...and at the time you must have felt it was the sure thing to do....But you can't sit there and blame yourself or him for you making that decision. Maybe you two need to look into some marriage counseling ...it is really good to have a few sessions....there are many married couples who do go to the things to strengthing thier relationships. I'm sure your man cares about you...and if he doesn't it would be his loss....try to talk to him and maybe mention to him about some counseling that it can strenthing the relationship between you two....Good Luck....I hope all comes out well....be safe for the Holidays.....

Answer 10

I know how hard this must be for you, but until you let go of this selfish man, you are a victim of abuse, and always will be. You said so yourself that you cannot marry a man who will treat you with no affection, or could care less about your feelings. He knows that he has you right where he wants you, to hold you down to make you feel worthless, and unloved, my guess he is cheating on you, and he knows you wont do a thing about it, he is living a life outside of your relationship and then coming home to you who will cook his meals, do his laundry, and cater to his every need when he wants you too, be strong, and stand up for yourself, don't let this happen another day, let him come home to an empty house, and find a man who will love you for you, someone who will adore you for all you do, and one that will love you unconditionally.

Answer 11

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Even though people refer to the honeymoon period at the start of a marriage, I think that mastering the communication at the beginning can be really tough. I would try seriously talking about everything that is bothering you. Try not to be accusatory, but rather explain that you feel that the two of you need to work on a few things in order to make this marriage work. If he is willing, you might consider the two of you going to a marriage counsellor together. Sometimes it is very helpful to have a neutral third party to mediate. Best of luck to you.