Why would a husband who is separated, not spend the night with his girlfriend?

Question

Forgot to mention, I am the wife - married 25 years, we split because of an affair, July and August. Separated since Veteran's day, maybe 6 months until divorce. He keeps on saying would not leave house, but would still see her in the 6 months, but I think that would burn like a sore. Right in my face, having to live with him during the separation. Last night I thought we were trying to patch things up, mistake, woman? not one to me, still in picture. So told him today, just go stay with her tonight. I'm sick of you, but he would not do so, would go to a hotel, refuses to spend the night, I said why do you want to go to hotel, why not her place. It turned out he was afraid I would use it against him in divorce. I told him to just stay with her, leave me alone. So tonight we had another big fight. He had to inform me how happy he is with her and I did not ask for that info. I've tried to make him happy for 25 years and it hasn't been enough, what a fool.

thanks for all the answers, I wish I could just leave, but can't afford it. I'm paying for my own divorce, but believe me I will get money back. In Virginia, adultry is more expensive then a just contested divorce and mental abuse which has been going on even more expensive. Contested divorce - $5000, adultry $15,000, and who knows what mental abusive would be. Not a sugar daddy in sight but would not want one anyways. Men discust me now, don't trust a one, already married once, same problem, may become a fiesty nun. But did have a wonderful grandfather has a father figure. Think of him alot and wonder what he would think if he knew what was going on now. He certainly would have his thoughts on it. Glad he's not around to see what happened.

All you support has been a real boost, had no idea I could get a answer to this awful question. I've tried to make this marriage work but it's over, astla vista baby. He will pay with alimony and always have in the back of his mind what she and he did to me. I truelly believe he will be punished one day, not now, he is cruising high but the devils may do each other end. I have no guilty conscience and can sleep fine at night, but sleep has been harder and waking up too. Things have to get better.
Thanks again, you are a great bunch of people, yeah for Yahoo answers!

Answer 1

God, I don't know but that really sucks :( maybe it really is for the reason he said 'he doesn't want you to use it against him' or maybe he is just that much of an *** to not get out of your way so you can deal with it yourself and move on.

Answer 2

Well, you using him staying the night at his GF as legal leverage is nonsense.....the damage was already done when he started the affair with her so what does he think...it's only a little bit of adultery if he doesn't spend the night, but a lot bigger adultery if he does stay with her the night? It's like being a little bit pregnant....no such animal. So the reason he won't stay the night has got to be something else.

Maybe he's afraid you'll change the locks on him while he's on his sleep-over...maybe he thinks you have someone and as soon as he's gone.......he really shouldn't care but there are people like that...they get jealous if the ex has someone even tho they have someone too.......
.....and maybe She won't let him spend the night.....does she have kids by another guy/marriage? Could be. If she does maybe her ex will give her flack if she entertains another man while the kids are there...maybe she's still married and her hubby doesn't know.
....are you so sure they are still together? maybe they aren't and he doesn't want you to gloat over that fact.

Perhaps he's not sure who he wants to be with.....and wants to play both sides of the fence until he can make up his mind, and you telling him to go spend the night isn't what he wants to hear.....he wants you to want him back so if the thing with GF doesn't work out,he still has you.....

I've been thru a divorce after 32 years of marriage (the last ten we were legally separated) tho not over adultery, other reasons.....the best form of revenge is to move on with your life and live a happy one without the ex.....even if you aren't happy about the pending divorce, act as if it's a relief for you and that you're looking forward to getting on with your life......when someone has to inform you of how happy they are without you asking, make a point of telling you, then they are doing it to push your buttons.....don't fall into it.

Answer 3

Gday

Well Im a bloke who has made just about every mistake and done every stupid thing a man can do.

Now I dont know both sides of the story, but it sounds to me like the ex might be a selfish cunning and calculating man.

25 years is a long time to be with someone.

You get used to how you speak to each other (snappily, disinterested), how you argue ( any argument always gets back to some other subject you have argued about before) and never resolving an issue and just plain getting stale with each other.

People always want to feel like they are getting something out of a relationship when they need to ask themselves what they are putting into it.

If you try hard to please and you just cant and you bend over backwards to make yourslef appealing and cant, well go find a partner that will appreciate you and who you are.

The real cruncher is to ask yourself, if you go get someone else will you (or the ex for that matter) be putting up with the same crap in the new relationship in a years time once the "honeymoon" is over.

Was every single day you were together unbearable?

Its hard to remember good things that happen to us and very very easy to remember the bad things.

I hope things pick up for you.

Answer 4

looks like your ex husband to be is not sure the commitment with his gf is secure enough for him to move out and be with her where on the other hand hes more secure being in the house that hes shared with you. You have actually filed for divorce, I think he should find somewhere else to live or maybe you can find your new surroundings a new begginning and let him stay in the house till the assets are divided. Divorce are only messy if one of the partner is being an ***. He cheated on you, and you feel that continuing the marriage is no longer an option, so living in the same house as the proceedings are still going on makes decisions hard on you. I say, pack his bags and leave it outside the door, change the locks... and ask your lawyer for further advice.

Females who have given 25yrs of their life to a marriage to have the partner commit adultery is unforgivable. Where is the loyalty? ... what ever the circumstances were that lead to this act does not give them the ryts to seek sexual tendercies elsewhere, when communication is the key. he could have said to you "hey hunnie theres something missing in our marriage that makes me want to go out and find someone to make me feel wanted" or else we can sit down and talk about how we can resolve my issues?....

ummm yes well i havent been married that long but i know that the rate of men cheating on the marriage is far greater than the woman. my opinion is really it works both ways, both partners need to adapt to changes.

Answer 5

Try to stop talking to him unless it involves the divorce, sounds like he is either trying to hurt you or make you jealous with too much info, and the other person has a point about saying his staying has something to do with the house, do you guys have underage kids, cause most states not only have no fault divorce and it takes less time when they are no underage children, and he is afraid you would use it against him, for what custody, good luck, sounds like a tough situation to be in to have to stay with the man you are divorcing

Answer 6

Family law, legal separation and divorce , I am sorry to say, has a few legal details that must follow a set of rules.

See a lawyer yourself, or a family counselor at the vey least. It seems to me that he knows where he would have a weakness. Maybe he has been talking to friends who are divorced. They would give him a heads up in the legal area.

Why dont you do the same?

Answer 7

He doesn't spend the night with her because he doesn't want to commit to her, he wants a fling and now he's stuck with her, and he knows it. That bit about you using it against him in the divorce is just him trying to save face. To hell with him living in the house with you and seeing her right under your nose. Either he decides he wants to work on your marriage, and his actions prove it, or stick to your guns and show him the door. I wish you nothing but the best.

Answer 8

I went through this after 18 yrs. The truth of the matter is she was not interested in him. She considered him as a friend only. He had dreamed up this whole affair and her wanting him in his own little head. Yes he's a fool just like mine was.

Answer 9

you answered your own question....because he is afraid of you.
at this point, he claims to be happy with her but please understand that he just said that to piss you off. I am sure it is safe to assume that the new concubine is a younger version of you. I am sure that when the new honey sees how pitiful his wallet is after you finish wiht him, she will dump him too.
Midlife crisises can be tough
I am sorry to read that your husband is acting so stupid
pity the new bytch
she cant have much in the way of character either to want him while he is begging you to stay the night
if it is not illegal in your state, tape his phone calls to you and edit them to piss her off for a super personal xmas gift
I promise it will make you feel a hell of a whole lot better

Answer 10

I don't see where you have a problem. You are separated. Just tell him to get out and don't worry about where he stays, her house, the hotel or under a bridge. If he won't leave get a restraining order