Moments
This morning the world don't love me but i don't care
i am happy i found peace, i hope it lasts a day
I fear the next few moments..if i seek it and it is not there
and the world don't love me, most days i go through hell.
Moments to me keeps slipping away like sands
i can bearly hold them within the palms of my bear hands
where they go, i do not know..perhaps in my eyes..
where they are turned into diamonds staind with lies.
2007-12-05 11:40:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
...Oops...that should be...
Moments to me keep slipping away like sands! NOT keeps!...right? right.
ho-hum
2007-12-05 11:42:43 · update #1
@Ontan
I'm sorry..i cannot be a pessimist and an optimist all at the same time.
*O.o did i spell that correctly?
2007-12-05 12:22:36 · update #2
@Michael
OW! ***! YEAH!!! AHAHAHA! "Bare" hands!!! Gawd!!!!...hoo hooo hooo!!=D
uhmm...what about "bear with it"? is that supposed to be "bare" with it? O.o
*runs away in embarrassment
2007-12-05 12:51:38 · update #3
@Elaine
thanks ...yeah..."Barely"!
hee hee hee *smiles silly
ohmahgawd =P
2007-12-05 13:04:02 · update #4
..and stained...right....darn i feel like a complete idiot =D
2007-12-05 13:05:20 · update #5
It's not the best thing I've read, but I wouldn't suggest using it to start the fireplace. It is quite well done for a first draft.
2007-12-13 05:39:44 · answer #1 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before it gets anthologised you might like to replace 'bear hands' with 'bare hands'...the former has a jarring effect as suddenly this lament of a lost soul is replaced by someone with hirsute hands.
You should go back in the light of day and edit. Your poem (to me anyway) has too many words and is too loose. "This morning the world don't love me" contrasts sharply with the close of the paragraph when "most days I go through hell." The latter suggests you feel like this often whereas the introduction makes me think this is a new feeling to be explored.
Each morning the world still forgets me -
doesn't love me but I don't care:
I'm happy right now. Wish it could last a day.
Why are you happy right now? that needs to be explored and elaborated. Why do you fear the next few moments? build those elements up and you're clearly onto something.
keep happy, man.
2007-12-05 12:46:32 · answer #2 · answered by Michael B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This shows a bit of optimism, despite the fear. (Sorry, but it's barely not bearly and bare hands, not bear hands--unless you means hands like a bear; also stained, not staind). However, I forgive you because you weren't completely awake!
2007-12-05 12:53:22 · answer #3 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
perhaps in my eyes..
where they are turned into diamonds staind with lies (Copy)
This Is The Best Part In The Recipe, Thanks
Oh, It Isn't 'Bear' It's 'Bare' Unless Your A Bear, Errr!
2007-12-05 13:20:20 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really, really like that second stanza, it definitely resonates.
I will go thru a whole poem I've written while half-asleep only to have the poem elude me as I awaken. Grrr :/
Nice poem tho, glad you were able to retain it and share.
2007-12-05 12:07:03 · answer #5 · answered by Poetry 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
technically, considering the fact that after the 1st time they are already 0.5 ineffective, the 2nd 0.5 could easily be 1 / 4 of the preliminary aliveness. so as that they could be 3 quarters ineffective after the 2nd time being scared 0.5 to loss of life. this is an exponential decay ingredient.
2016-09-30 23:14:58 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its good, it says you have some peace in your life for the
moment and you don't care about the world not loving you
but you are still happy and peaceful. it doesn't always matter
what the world thinks of you, it's that you think the world of
yourself.
2007-12-05 14:25:52 · answer #7 · answered by Mary S 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes i like your poem but i noticed that most of your poems are full of sadness and pessimism.
2007-12-05 12:19:58 · answer #8 · answered by ontan 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Clean it up grammar wise and your on to something.
2007-12-05 13:47:16 · answer #9 · answered by bnyxis 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I missed seeing your poems' and this is one of your best,., I loved it all...
2007-12-05 12:11:56 · answer #10 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋