Why is that men who voice their TRUE concerns are labelled as "needy" ?

Question

I posted this earlier and many of the replies state that I sound "needy" because I am considering leaving my wife when I have asked for counselling, she says no there's no problem, I buy marriage books and read them / she does not. Her entire focus is on the kids !!!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AizNdSFgZJhKgxYotzxRUXDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071205121022AAmTTSK

I love her and the kids, I'm very involved (coaching, school, church) with both her and the kids..... However, unless it has to do with the children, she rarely wants to interact. She goes to bed everynight around 9:00 p.m. because she is "exhausted" from the day. I work FT, help with laundry, dishes, and child care daily when I'm off work, so while I KNOW she has a hectic schedule, mine is no less full !!!

Yet - if I had a chance to be intimate (not just sex), but talk about hopes/dreams/etc... I would jump at it. But she is "tired". She works 2 days a week.

(continued ....)

I called her this AM from work, she as laying down to take a "nap" as she had dorpped the older one off at school and the younger one was down for a nap, so SHE can rest? What, we get up within 15 minutes of each other every morning, yet she 's in bed by 9:00 pm, I stay up (by myself) until 11:00 most nights.... She complains that I never come to bed with her, but why if there's no chance of "fun" and I'd just keep her awake watching TV?

Is this the "Most men live lives of quiet desperation...." type thing?

I just don't get it. I love the kids too - but she's in "mommy mode" 24/7. I also ask for other things I can do to help out, but get told, "No you work enough....", yet she constantly makes me feel like she's put out by "Mothering".

Its like a martyr syndrome or something.

Most things are a BIG chore to her.

I don't want to leave - but I am beginning to see no other way to solve it. I won't cheat.

Yet - this makes me "needy" in many posters (females) eyes ?

Answer 1

I don't think you're needy and if you want to talk to me you can always e mail me!! :)

Answer 2

I don't think your concerns make you needy at all. It takes two to make a marriage work. You don't mention how many kids you have or what their ages are. I'm a mother of four and what your wife is going through is pretty normal. I think what you're failing to understand is the physical and mental exhaustion of a mother. That's not to say that what you do isn't important but spend a week in her shoes and see how you feel. (That might not be a bad idea....for you both) I've always been very pro-active when it comes to my marriage so my husband didn't have the same complaints. I've seen other women get so lost in motherhood that the husband was just standing on the sidelines wondering what had happened to him. Knowing a problem exists is half the battle isn't it? You know you have a problem but she is happy going along as she is. My suggestion is that you approach this whole situation in a different way. I think considering divorce over it is a really bad idea. This is a phase. Period. Marriage is an evolution and you're just evolving faster than she is right now. It doesn't mean she won't ever catch up. Instead of tossing marriage books at her and complaining, get on her team and help her to realize what she's missing out on. Give her time to talk about the kids (I totally get the no talking about kids rule...we all need it) and then try to engage her in other topics as well. Take the time she's not spending with you on improving yourself. So she's tired at 9pm. That means you have 2 hours at night to read or work out or do anything else you wish. Spend two hours writing her a love letter. Spend two hours trying to find ways to make her less tired! Spend two hours planning a vacation or long weekend with her alone. Find ways to get back on the same page. You marriage is in a transition, not over. Work through the transition and when she is able to give more to you (and she will be) you'll be waiting for her, happy that she's back. Good luck :)

Answer 3

Hello, I posted an answer on your last question, I am a 29 yr old female and I did not adress you as needy.
I think its amazing to find a man like you, you are being taken for granted and you are not being valued as the great man you are,, its very rare to have someone come forward with all this, and to continue "trying", you are admirable, and I think you have done just about everything u can think of to make things better.
Your wife or mate obviously has a problem. , I think she is using the kids as a shield, this over protection she is having towards them is not normal., but Thank God she is not neglecting or abusing them verbally or in any other way as it may happen too., I am glad to hear you are very involved in your kid's lives, and that u are also active at church, again I ask? Are there any counceling groups at church she and you can attend ? Your wife is in a denial state, but there is something going on, and the problem is she is blaming and blocking you, I do not think the solution is to take of to Vegas, you have to get counceling, talk to her openly and let her know you want counceling together in order to stay together, tell her its a last effort to save your marriage /relationship, let her know you are worried , and that you love her, and you want this to be done , for her, for you and for the children, if she is not alright and stable the kids will not be alright either. Good luck and do not loose hope!

Answer 4

You're a rare guy to find. :(

What sort of career or job do you have?

Your wife could just be less mature that you are.

I wouldn't say that you are a needy person. Marriage about equality. Giving and taking equal proportions. Clearly you are giving more than she is giving. You could try finding a hobby to take your time of her, and show you the amount of attention that she is showing you. As for the sex.. well, I would just focus on something else to get your mind of it.

You are obviously a caring guy, and a giving guy. If it comes to the point that you just can't get what you want, and getting a separate hobby isn't helping with the situation, then I would get a divorce and start dating again. But really, just try spending less time with her, and less time thinking about her.

1-2 times a months for sex is really unfortunate though. Was it always like that?

Answer 5

You married each other for different reasons. You wanted a family. A partner, a friend, a lover and a wife. She wanted someone to facilitate her being a mommy. Marriage, sex, etc. are just a means to an end for her. She never wanted a partner, a friend, a lover and a husband. She wanted a support system for her "mommydom".
If you think back, everything she did was geared for this. Dating you, marrying you, choosing the house, having kids... all of it was designed to create a "nest" to raise the kids. That's her primary focus. She has no time or energy for all the other things that make a marriage because she doesn't want to. You work as hard as she. You have just as much stress/responsibility. But you have time and energy left over for these other things, right? Because you want them. She doesn't.
Behavior always follows values. She does not value her marriage, or you, beyond your ability to facilitate her being mommy. Other than that, you are irrelevant.
If you ever did sit down for that "intimate chat", the hopes and dreams she would express would relate to the children, not to you. Not to your marriage, not even to herself.

Answer 6

Don't worry about those answers. Some people get snappy on here.

I agree w/ lbkou04 . Try some date nights and keep talking to your wife. What she doesn't understand is your marriage should be top priority. Keeping a loving relationship with your husband is just as important as raising kids. She doesn't understand that if you don't keep a happy marriage and it ends to divorce.... then she's got a broken household. She needs to be talked to. Professional help, her mom. Somebody. Some people don't appreciate what they have. My husband and I took marriage counseling at our church before we got married. I have to be honest, it was extremely helpful. I learned a lot about my role in the marriage that I would have never thought of before. Our Pastor even explained the importance of a healthy sexual relationship.

If all else fails. Maybe you can take a lil break. Maybe a weekend away, visit some family out of town. Let her realize that she can loose you, so she can get her act together.
Tell her to email me, I can give her advivce on how to keep her man..................Good luck.

Answer 7

Sounds like she might be in a depression, reaching out to her in a loving non- judgemental, non-blaming or criticizing way to help her see herself the way you see her might help. Maybe she's in denial and perhaps co-dependent too. There's a book called Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. The stress of trying to do the mommy thing does affect all parts of your life and neglecting your partner's needs and feelings happens when you feel resentment towards them for whatever reason she feels is important to her. You sound like a good guy who loves your wife, try to give this your best shot, at least then you can say you did everything possible to save your marriage. Good Luck

Answer 8

wow my moms works from 9 till 9 in the evening and she still has time to chat with the kids and my father before she goes to sleep. Its very rare to find a man that is willing to wrk through the marriage instead of giving up. I comend you for that i donnot believe your needy, men have feelings too, and not all of them are dogs. However if she is really acting this way i believe that you should tell her and speak on your feelings sometimes women need to feel like they have a man around and not another child. before you are her husband you are a man...well bottom line i think you should seriously sit her down and speak with her. EVEN IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO SPEAK...IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO HEAR
good luck

Answer 9

I wish I had a man that wanted to talk about hopes and dreams! You sound like you really care about your relationship. She may not realize the toll the exhaustion is taking on you.

I suggest you tell her you guys need a "date night". Set up a babysitter, take her somewhere romantic where you guys can have a quiet conversation and have one of those talks! It's integral to keeping you guys sane and on the same page.

Answer 10

You need to stop living with the "poor me syndrome" and accept the fact that you wife has problems.

Whether it is drinking, drugs, or just depression, you need to address those problems first.

Good luck.