Is it possible to reconcile with someone who has hurt you deeply and has not expressed remorse?

Question

I feel that there is forgiveness - which you can do regardless if the person who has hurt you is sorry or not. It's more to unburden yourself of your anger and resentment toward them. To 'let it go' and move on.
Then there's reconciliation - or re-establishing a relationship of some sort with the wrongdoer. My understanding is that a healthy reconciliation is a two way street. The victim must be willing to forgive, and the wrongdoer must be willing to apologize and make amends.
My husband and therapist want me to reconcile with my mother in law, who has done more aggregious things to me then I can mention. I hung in there for a long time, then couldn't take anymore. She has not apologized in any way. She doesn't even talk to me, it's been about 3 1/2 years since she's talked to me. How can I reconcile? I feel this is morally wrong. The therapist thinks that she is not "the type" to apologize so I will have to suck it up and move forward. Is this not right?

UL - Isn't there a Scrabble tournament or spelling bee going on somewhere that you could join in on? (I left that preposition on the end of my sentence just for you).

Answer 1

It's not a matter of anyone else wanting...do you? You can forgive and let go of the hurt and anger...but you don't have to re-establish a relationship with some one who refuses to see or admit they are wrong....and thus they will continue with the behaviors that in the past were so hurtful....and therefore you run the risk of being hurt again and again.....
Point out to them that since she is not the type to apologize, she therefore is not the type to mend/change her ways, since people who don't apologize feel they have done nothing wrong, and you will be left open to more of the same hurtful behavior.....how is this beneficial to you?

Answer 2

No, its not right, but yes you will probably have to suck it up if you want a relationship with her. You are absolutely correct in reconciliation being a two-way street. Have you tried asking her to come into counseling with you? I would try that before I write her off. She might not honestly know how much she has hurt you and might need to hear it before she can move forward. If anything sitting her down face to face and explaining to her in detail how you are feeling will have wonderful benefits for you! Try that and then see where it goes maybe? Good luck!!

Answer 3

Firstly, I would STRONGLY recommend inding a new therapist. I could not forgive someone who doesn't take steps to acknowledge how wrongly they had treated me. I would go through your husband to solve this one. She might not respect you but that's probably because nobody is good enough for her little boy, which means that she will respect what he thinks!! She's the one who should need to make a tough choice, not you. It's either suck it up and apologise to you, or lose her son from her life. Which means HE needs to decide where his loyalties are! You didn't do anything, she did wrong and it's so unfair that they are trying to make you bear the brunt of this unhealthy relationship. Kia kaha (maori for Be Strong)
xx
Cara

Answer 4

Forgiveness does not require an apology from the other party, and you already understand that it is really done for the one doing the forgiving. Try to start from square one, but this time know that you are the bigger person in this relationship. It's also good to know that your happiness is stronger than someone's bad attitude toward you.

Answer 5

Your therapist sounds about right about moving forward but you don't need to give her any satisfaction. You can look for reconciliation without forgiving her. You can speak to her and not wait for her to ignore you. You can make it clear you have the moral high ground and she cannot hurt you. That will punish her more than copying her behaviour, believe me.

Answer 6

You are right about the first part. However, that's usually for spousal relationships. As far as the relationship with your mother-in-law, that's different. I think reconcile is the wrong word to use in this case. Because it takes two to reconcile and obviously your mother-in-law is not willing. But as the daughter-in-law you still have to do your part. That is you still have to respect her and be civil with her. You don't have to lay yourself out in front of her. But as the daughter-in-law, you should still be nice to her regardless of how she treats you.

Answer 7

I think that you should clear things up with your husband, and then change your therapist...!

Your husband has to set the limits. His mother is one thing; you are his wife and that is a totally different relationship.

(If your husband feels you are the one who is acting wrongly, I'd say "red flag" because he has to be able to deal with what's happening, and not blame you for his mother's wrongdoing.)

Remember...We can change NO ONE except ourselves.
You need to find inner peace and balance, and that will only come if you protect yourself from toxic relationships.
Good luck.

Answer 8

If this were your husband, I would agree with you, but it's his mother. You can't have a marriage with such a unspoken rift between you. But with another family member, it is possible to just move on. All they are asking you to do is to be civil to the woman. You do NOT have to be her best friend or even like her. Just be the bigger person.

Answer 9

There are some people who are just bitter, angry, and vindictive, and make your life miserable. I think your therapist is wrong. Those kind of people I simply eliminate from my life, and avoid at all costs.... and once one was my mother in law. At family functions, I avoided her. At her intrusive questions, I just smiled at her. When she continued to harp away, I simply once asked her, "Why do you need to know that?". I was never rude, I simply avoided the lady. You're lucky...she is avoiding you. Good. Don't feel guilty. Sweets, life is to enjoy, and to share, and to have fun with people you enjoy being with. Since she isn't one of them, you owe her nothing. She made my husband's life miserable. She made her husband's life miserable... for sure, she wasn't going to do that to me.... Good for you.

Answer 10

It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, it is what it is. You can't change someone, and you can't make them like you or be your friend. You do the forgiving, so that you don't have hate in your heart, and let it go. You don't need a relation with someone who doesn't want one with you.