I have been married for 3 years. This last summer, my wife cheated on me, I found out about it, and after a bit of fighting, I was able to forgive her and keep trying in the marriage.
Just last night, while using her laptop, I looked in the browser history and found out that she had created an account in the "singles" section of eHarmony.com . . . she was also looking up her ex boyfriend on myspace and looking at all of his pictures. Of course, I was upset when I found this. When I confronted her about it, she told me she went on eHarmony for "no reason" and that she could look at her ex's page all she wants. She actually got really mad and screamed at me over it just for bringing it up and being upset.
I feel like she is up to no good; she SWEARS she's not doing anything. Am I being out of line by being upset? What should I do??
2007-12-05 07:59:53 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
For her to get mad, in light of what happened in the past, is a bad sign.
Couples who recover from infidelity do so by the unfaithful partner bending over backwards to rebuild trust. This usually means voluntarily sacrificing a certain amount of privacy in order to establish transparancy. And internet use is the first place to start.
She seems to want to act as if nothing happened, and is now defensive about her actions. She is not acting like someone who is trying to work on repairing the damage she has done.
You are not out of line.
2007-12-05 08:06:32 · answer #1 · answered by Michael M 7 · 7⤊ 0⤋
You forgave her cheating without the most important component her remorse.
She is acting like she did nothing wrong. If she knew that
she would not be doing this.
Dude, put some serious limits on your forgiveness.
1. She must be SORRY and show remorse.
2. she promises to NEVER pull that crap again.
3. If you catch her again you will toss her to the street with onluy the clothes on her back.
Her anger is severely misplaced. She did wrong and got caught in suspicious behavior. She needs to do the explaining, NOT YOU.
You have every right to be upset and suspiucious because she has already proven herself untrustworthy.
You have all right to bring it up she is the cheat and she hurt you. Do not accept this behavior.
She is using the opffense is the best defense technique. It is what the person in the wrong does.
Remove your forgiveness and make sure she knows she violated what little trust she had built up.
That is not the behavior of a remorseful person who was wrong from the get go.
Tell her she is free to eHarmony anyone she likes IN HER OWN HOUSE NOT YOURS.
Tell her she can look at all the myspace she wants ELSEWHERE.
If she has a problem with nthat, show the cheater tha door.
You will find that this behavior will continue until you make it clear that her roof goes away if she does it again.
No remorse, no home.
DO NOT LEAVE. IF YOU DO ANYTHING THROW HER CHEATING BUTT TO THE CURB.
2007-12-05 08:15:18 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be blunt about this, the writings on the wall. If she's cheated on you once then she'll obviously do it again. The fact that you found out the first time should've told you then. I know you don't want to accuse her of doing something she's not, but ask yourself this question: " Would she have done the samething you did if it were the other way around. For someone that's been married for three years, she sure acts like she doesn't want to be anymore.
I would file for divorce, because she's showing that the marriage doesn't mean much too her. Let her track down her old boyfriend on eHarmony all she wants so long as it's not with you living with her anymore. I think you better figure out if you want to be respected or blatantly made a fool of. If the shoe was on the other foot would she tolerate this kind of behavior from you? Filing for divorce is you saying "I'm not bluffing!" You deserve better than that, because there are plenty of women out there that wish they were married and would gladly take her place.
However, this is your life we're talking about here. You know how bad really things are for you because you're there. If you love her save the marriage and work it out by explaining to her how disrespectful it is for her to be doing this to her own husband. Sounds like she never got over her ex and now she wants to be free. Just to be absolutely sure you'd better get a private investigator and have her followed.
Hope everything works out for you before it gets any worse God Bless!
2007-12-05 08:43:42 · answer #3 · answered by 00silky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should put your foot down with this woman. She is lucky you forgave her the first time, but she obviously has NO CLUE. Now, I have to confess that I have done what she did, made an eharmony inquiry, but without any intent to search for a man. I wanted my 'free profile' and to see what kind of person I would be compatible with. So it is possible that eharmony is harmless. (But, then again, I was also not in relationship at the time) And, I also did look up my ex on myspace, but probably for different reasons than she did. Either way, if you have a problem with it, and she thinks she can continue to do it in spite of your broken vows that have not yet healed (it can take years to mend that serious of a breach) then you should ask yourself why you want to stay with a woman that will not respect your position as husband.
Its not about her, its about you. You were the one violated by her cheating. You can be upset, you are not out of line, and you can ask that she discontinue those things that make you feel like she's at it again. If she won't do whatever it takes to restore your marriage (provided that you haven't gone mental about every little thing) then ask yourself why go through the torture? And BTW, explain to her that looking up her ex bf on myspace is a form of 'contact' with the ex that is prohibited-even if he doesn't know she did it-NO, she can't look up his page all she wants! If its over, why would she want to......
2007-12-05 08:24:31 · answer #4 · answered by Daisy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she cheated before I can understand why you would be concerned with this behavior. You either need to trust her or get out of the relationship. The relationship is 99% trust. As far as the e-Harmony thing anything could be going on there. I am married 20 years but I went on e-Harmony and took the compatibility test just to see what the results would be. They actually told me I fall into a 20% category that was not compatible with anybody. Cool huh! I guess I will just keep my wife and not worry about some silly website. In a nut shell if you trust here good for you, if you don't maybe it is time to get out.
2007-12-05 08:08:53 · answer #5 · answered by mud pie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The Myspace issue you could get over, but for her to create an account in the "singles" section of eHarmony.com brings up a red flag. I feel she is up to no good and you have the right to be upset. Most cheaters swears up and down that they have not done anything wrong, but the truth will eventually come out. The phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater", is usually correct.
2007-12-05 08:06:44 · answer #6 · answered by Flower 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Is this ex bf the one that she cheated with, or just an ex?
It doesn't really sound like your wife is that committed to you. You just don't do these things if you are. Tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't stop it, then she doesn't care and you might as well find someone who deserves you.
She might jst want to see what her ex is up to but it sounds kinda obsessive or something. Ít's not out of line to feel anxious about your wife postng herself as a single who's looking for love. That's just wrong!
It is HER laptop, remember, and you don't have a right to spy on her. And I don't know all the details about you two. Maybe she feels controlled and trapped by you or something. And I hope you don't constantly suspect you coz it sucks when your partner does this. Bt she also desn't have a right to do whatever she wants when it hurts you. Tell her what you feel about it. If she's worth anything, and if the marriage means anythning to her, she'll change straight away.
2007-12-05 08:11:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not out of line. She hasn't given you a reason to trust her. There's no reason she should have an account on eharmony. Looking at pics I wouldn't be upset at. You can either believe what she is telling you and stay or you can leave her. She may feel that since you forgave her once you will forgive her again. Good luck
2007-12-05 08:14:03 · answer #8 · answered by tjmoore83102 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way you are NOT out of Line she shouldn't be looking up her ex's thats out of line She shouldn't give a **** about them! And you don't get on a dating site for "No Reason"
ALSO she would have NEVER Screamed at you and gotten so defensive about it if she wasn't feeling guilty because she knew she was busted!
Go away for a week and think with out her in your head or maybe go somewhere together so can talk things out and let her know that lying isn't an option that your adventure is based on full forced honesty and that you guys need to discuss every aspect of your marriage and be able to talk to each other honestly and rationally! Good luck but she really sounds like rotten fruit to me, Just No good!
2007-12-05 08:13:57 · answer #9 · answered by Amberlyn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not out of line at all. Sounds like she got upset because she was up to something that she shouldn't be. To look up an ex is one thing, as long as she isn't in contact, but to get upset about it, means she must be, especially if she has cheated already. I give you a lot of credit for forgiving her to begin with, and trying to move past it. I am just sorry she is doing this to you because that is no way to treat someone who gave someone a second chance. I say she is up to no good, and you have every right to be upset.
2007-12-05 08:12:28 · answer #10 · answered by Shannon29 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋