how to deal with someone who won't open up?

Question

Been dating a guy for about 9 months. It was wonderful when we first met. Then we had the issue of his Ex interfering (3 yrs. sep. & divorced). He made changes and things improved, cause he wanted me in his life. I have always been open with him from the beginning about everything (not overly so). Always calm and communicative about stuff. No yelling or swearing, not my style. This is the thing, he always speaks in general statements, such as "I see you in my future", "I will do anything for us". He has never really opened up or talked about deep stuff or the future. He is an overly nice guy w/ a good heart. He says he "use" to be open. I don't know if the Ex beat him down or if it is just me? I have told him he can always talk to me and he says he feels he can. I just don't see it. How do you build something when you don't share deep feelings, thoughts and talks? He says he loves me. Can you help someone to open up or not? And if so, any ideas how?

I am a very good listener, for the person that posted maybe I talk too much. You never learn anything if you don't listen, so I do listen, all the time. It just isn't easy caring about someone and sharing your life and feeling it is one-sided. I want him to feel secure, that's all.

Answer 1

whatever happened to him when he was married caused him to be that way, just be patient and understand him and he soon will open up when he feels its the right time.right now he may be afraid of losing you so he doesnt open up..

Answer 2

Ah... the joys of being a woman! That is not an insult. I LOVE being female! BUT, we have some serious issues with CONSTANTLY wanting people (men, women, children etc) to open up to us. Most women NEED the show of emotion to know that they are vital and needed... don't be like most women! LOL

I totally get that you want this guy to divulge every detail or anything he has in mind for you for the future, to go on for HOURS about the world you two will create... but the simple fact is that MOST men do not communicate that way. He is telling you that he wants you in his future and that he will do anything for 'us' (meaning you two as couple). That is alot for a guy to say! He is basically telling you the 'details', he just isn't bathering on about it... The translation for his brief speak: He wants you and he will work damn hard at making sure he keeps you. That is all you need to know.

Please, try very hard to keep away from pressuring him to cry on your shoulder, or spill every feeling he has for you. If you are very happy when you are together, if the intimatcy is passionate and monogomous, if he accepts you as you... then please, refrain from any push for 'talking'. It will all come in time...If you push him for more, he may run from the pressure. You seem happy. Don't let the woman in you make this a disastor...

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Simple, been in that same situation. I am the guy. So I now where he stand. I am 4 year into the relationship and thinking of marriage next year. So there is hope in your case.
Now, what is in his head. He doesn't know what to talk about. He is the shy type. You have to force it out of him.
Tell him that you want to be with him, so it is good to start saving money together. Once that happen where you two have a joint account or him just giving you money to save in your account. He will begin to feel that you are his world. At that point he will begin to talk more. You can talk about, oh we have so much money in the account now, we should consider vacation. With vacation, you two takes lots of picture. Have him upload and print it. This will enforce in his head, this is my girl now.

My current girl did part of this and more. I did other things to make the relationship more health. So with a combin effort, our big day is next year.

p.s. The main thing my girl did to me was to stop all contact with my ex, which became my best friend. For me, i give that friend up to a point in meeting once every 5-6 month on common friends birthday. Once the word "ex" is no longer in any of your conversion, he will be a more open.

If you want, you can email me what he "just did or say" and I can reply back to you on what he is thinking at the moment. Remember, I am 3.5 year in front of him. My girl or wife to be took some hits in changing me. That is why I am offering to help in this case.

Answer 4

Relax, you only been with this guy for 9 month, not 9 years. What fun is it if he opened up already? If he was open before, he will open up again. My husband was like that, he said his ex, and a lot of girls made him build walls around himself. I don't see no walls now. Being together in a good relationship made him happy and open up again.

Answer 5

OK this is a little unorthodoxed but.... here goes.
MDMA makes people open up to their feelings. The drug was originally used in the 70s to help couples in counseling, but then it got involved in the rave scene and ppl started abusing it so the FDA outlawed it.
It is now known as Extacy. I'm not encouraging it's usage, but it's an interesting fact isn't it?
When I read your question, this immediately came to my mind, just thought I'd share my knowlege.

Answer 6

Eventaully he will, but he is also healing from this divorce, give him alittle time, also depends on who got the divorce, if he did, then he should be able to open up to someone he seems to care about. Don't let this non-openness hurt your feelings, I have been divorced too, but I was the one who got the divorce, I meant my actions and had no regrets so it was easier for me to fall in love again after time. Good luck, just be happy and bide your time.

Answer 7

It's about trust.

Clearly he needs more than 9 months.

He needs to heal first. Unless you are a rebound relationship. Then you are that healing on his way to the next real thing.

He'll open up when he trusts you and not a minute before.

Answer 8

my husband had issues opening up to me. i think it was because all the other women in his life (most importantly his mother) permitted him to keep his feelings and everything else very personal. if u dont learn to open up from ur mother, who else is going to teach you? the next woman, right? well for me i was that woman in my husbands life. i just couldnt stand for him to be so closed in because i am extremely expressive in my thoughts and feelings and ideas etc. so it took a good three years of poking and prodding and arguing and crying and demanding, whew! it was exhausting but giving up wasnt an option because i cant live like that. so now he expresses himself just fine to me, like it was never a problem (its hard to believe it was, but i remember the rejection). All i can say, is be relentless and dont settle. ask questions. of course he'll be uncomfortable with it, its his nature. but u cant coax him out of this u gotta snatch him out of it. or at least that was the road i took. if u find a better less confrontational way, go for it. i really feel your pain tho'.

Answer 9

Try to talk with him, find out if he is really dating or just playing game, what he is thinking about real relationship. Sometimes it not easy to open up.

Answer 10

He sounds like very nice person. The way you describe him, it seems to me you understand him very well. Give him time. He may have been deeply heart in the past. It's clear that he cares for you. Some people can't open up the way we expect them to. If we love them, we just have to accept them the way they are. That's just his way, accept it and be happy that you have someone to love, who loves you.